Megaphöne Deadbolt™

Arguably the most unappreciated pioneer in Inspirational Death Metal, wunderkind Hans Christian Fucklordson formed the driving force behind Megaphöne Deadbolt TM. With a discography spanning over 30 years, early works proved to document the absolute limits of what a four-track, an autoharp, and a set of maracas could accomplish. But these excursions into proto-punk snapshots of childhood obesity, hateful scrapbooking, and laxative dependency were quickly replaced by a monolithic guitar sound never again equaled.Although no records of virtuoso Hans Christian Fucklordsons background exist, the most commonly accepted myth is that he emerged from a glacier in Greenland during the early sixties. He is said to have then hijacked a fishing boat and disappeared into the primeval Canadian forests for years. Surfacing on an Ojete Records b-side from Mexico in 1972, the track Yesca won acclaim in the Southern California surf circuits. An amalgam of found recordings and heavily layered autoharp tracks with a simple, bare-bones maraca rhythm section, the psychedelic power pop appealed to a wide range of drug aficionados. A string of minor hits brought together the original and only lineup, bassist Edgar Allen Taint, drummer Rudyard Cockling and guitarist/vocalist Hans Christian Fucklordson. The trio cemented largely because of the almost embarrassing servility of Taint and Rudyard, allowing H.C. to constantly reinvent the sound of the band.The addition of the bassist and drummer made live performances possible, and an incessant touring policy began in the winter of 1974. Direct exposure to public opinion immediately forged Megaphöne Deadbolt TMs sound into a thunderous, incendiary hard rock bringing to mind the work of Blue Cheer, MC5, Black Sabbath, and the Carpenters. As the rigorous touring continued, H.C. rapidly reached critical mass due to the stress of the road and a nasty barbiturate addiction. In May of 1975, the band played a fateful show at Chicagos now legendary Thirsty Whale, where Cockprick Records owner Mikey Cicero signed them to a lifelong contract.The first move Cockprick made was to get the band a tour manager. Enter Luther Napalm Death Vandross ironically named and nicknamed prior to the inception of either Luther Vandrosss or Napalm Deaths career. Although Napalm Death sued both recording artists several times, cases were always dismissed due to Megaphöne Deadbolt TMs relative obscurity. The stress now taken off of H.C., the bands road-hardened sound began to blossom. It was also Napalm Deaths influence that brought the band to Evangelical preacher Billy Grahams doorstep. Freshly born again, the band hit the studio in late 1978.Cockprick immediately enlisted the help of producer Quincy Jones to craft the album, but H.C. absolutely refused the tampering, as he referred to it, of any further outside influence. It was his intention to do all studio production himself, with a little help from his savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. As posterity has shown, Mikey Ciceros financial genius lie in his ability to trust Hans Christian Fucklordsons vision. Quincy was ushered out of the project - by force. The resultant album, 1979s Hate Lizard pushed the boundaries of rock to new vistas of mind-splitting ferocity, rejecting all expectations of harmony, pop-formula song writing, and general empathy for the listener. This album was first to institute a pattern of random sonic brutality, revolting in its Bible-based genesis, establishing a string of early-eighties masterpieces yet to be fully appreciated by the general churchgoing public. An ever increasing level of pre-pubescent sophistication resulted in deeper, more intricate songwriting - recalling much of the stimulation H.C. supposedly gained during frequent visits to Carthusian monasteries.Combined with blistering Flying V assaults, Taint and Rudyard pounded a chthonic dirge that fashioned a profound subliminal influence on the early death metal icons, but this would never be admitted. Megaphöne Deadbolt TMs Christian lyrics and close ties with Billy Graham proved a point of contention that would never be resolved, forever excluding them from any heavy metal canon. Fanatical touring generated enormous revenue for Cockprick, but poor album sales and a contract rendering the band virtually indentured servants kept out of reach the type of lavish lifestyle expected of artists of their caliber. Extensive sexual misconduct landed Rudyard with every variety of Herpes known to modern medicine, and he became an important case study at Lawrence Livermore Laboratories in Nevada for the development of a warfare-grade Herpes mutation. A continued addiction to Quaaludes - a drug pulled from the US market in the early eighties - forced H.C. to make frequent visits to Romania, where the drug maintained black market popularity, being used to pacify orphans in their state-run orphanage system through the mid-nineties. Appearing late and loaded, if at all, to most performances made H.C.s Christian message a bitter pill to swallow, and 1994s Messiahs Dongload tour was to be their last.Frequent rebirths up through the present day spawned several additional albums, with vast thematic departures from earlier work yet retaining the inspirational death metal framework. A brief second coming in Japan in 2002 put enough money in Hans Christian Fucklordsons pockets to finance the building of a 400-story geodesic dome outside of Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland commemorating the place of his emergence from the glacier (and his self-prophesied return). Taint and Rudyard are said to spend every waking minute in the dome with H.C., preparing for the End Times and making bathtub Quaaludes.