The Elyse Huntoon profile picture

The Elyse Huntoon

I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on your sister.

About Me

Please, oh, please excuse my videos! They are really, really, really old. A lot has changed since then...


About me? I hate people who don't use their blinkers. The pee noise makes me giggle. As a matter of fact, most bodily functions make me laugh. I hate heels. I like scrawny guys. I like cartoons. I'd like a scrawny guy to watch cartoons with... someday... when I'm older. I hate the ice cream truck playing Christmas songs in July. I like pizza. I think Chicago is the greatest place in the US. And sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much. Yes, Geico commercials get me hot. I'm a huge fan of live music, and MySpacing drunk. And making nouns into verbs, And making up words altogether for that matter. As far as drinks go, my balls have certainly dropped. i drink Makers straight up, on the rocks. I think vodka is the most foul substance on the planet, next to Gin. Mullets are very entertaining, and so are little people, howver, I have never seen a midget with a mullet. [open new window, google, midgets with mullets]. Now I have. I'd still like to see one in person, though. I would trust anything that Allstate Insurance black guy said to me. I truly believe he must be a great person. I fall asleep on trains at night, and have a record set of missing my stop four times. I'm strangely proud of that last fact. I love karaoke, but I absolutely cannot sing. Oh, and where would life be without ham-n-cheese Lean Pockets?

My Interests

Stand-up, imrov, sketch, society, geniuses, and idiots.

I'd like to meet:

Lots of smart squirrels.

Music:

Gomez, G. Love, The Flaming Lips, Incubus, Tool, Goldfinger, Ween, The Beatles, Soul Coughing, A Pefect Circle, System of a Down, NOFX, Simon and Garfunkel, anything the Muppets did, Fatboy Slim, Tommy James and the Shondells, Billy Joel, Fatty Poindexter [support your local music scene], 311, The Sex Pistols, 36 Crazy Fists, Keller Williams, Cream, Rise Against, Stevie Wonder, Phish, Bran Van 3000, Less Than Jake, Nirvana, Save Ferris, The Strokes, Jem, Stone Sour, Bon Jovi, The Aquabats, Janis Jopling, Godsmack, The Beastie Boys, Angry Alanis Morisette, Nirvana, Drowning Pool, etc...

Movies:

A Beautiful Behind, Womb Raider, Schindler's Fist, Shaving Ryan's Privates, Glad he ate her, Driving Into Miss Daisy, Riding Miss Daisy, Batman in Robin, Blowjob Impossible, Dyke Hard, Star Whores, Sorest Rump, Edward Penishands Gangbangs of New York, On Golden Blonde, How Stella Got Her Tube Packed, In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon, Saturday Night Beaver, Sick Degrees of Penetration, Legally Boned, Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves), When Harry Ate Sally, Romancing The Bone, Lord Of The G-Strings, White Men Can't Hump, Ocean's 11 inches American Booty, Pulp Friction, Swollow Hal, Spankenstein, Breast Side Story, Blown in 60 Seconds, Buffy The Vampire Layer, Buttman and Throbbin', Rambone, Sperms of Enderarment, School of Cock, Free My Willy, and Sperminator

Television:

Family Guy
South Park
The Simpsons
Aqua Teen
Perfect Hair Forever
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Books:

The Babysitter's Club series and Sweet Valley High.

Heroes:

Bradley from Long Beach California, and to all the good people who had the courage to follow a personal dream...

My Blog

The Unfunny Story of How I Killed My Phone

Due to the mass..ve ..nqu..r..es about just how my phone ended up ..n s..xteen p..eces, ..'d l..ke to take th..s opportun..ty to expla..n ..t all at once, ..n blog form. Th..s ..s not a funny story. ...
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Sat, 21 Jul 2007 12:05:00 PST

My first Chicago house party, drunken cab ride, yak, and half-nakie-ness. [PICTURES!]

"Want to go to my friend, John's party?" Dean asks, as if he really didn't know what kind of person I am by now."I'm game."We jump on the train close to midnight and split a 40 on the way there. I'm ...
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Sat, 16 Jun 2007 01:18:00 PST

Let me be quite frank, 'cause I'm that crazy nigga Luda..

I can't get this lyric out of my head.  In rap, do they still call them 'lyrics'? "So, when I get old, I'm gonna rock, roll, shake, and shiv-ah,With some blacked out lungs and a fuct up liv-ah!" ...
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Mon, 22 Jan 2007 10:36:00 PST

Drunk Thoughts

I want to make a cereal called, "Pieces of Shit Like You." That way, I could tell people, "I eat Pieces of Shit Like You for breakfast..."And they'd be all like, "You eat Pieces of Shit for Breakfast?...
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Mon, 04 Dec 2006 01:47:00 PST

California-n-Vegas

Going to Cali and Vegas in two weeks.  I'll be gone for two weeks as well.  Two is a magic number. I absolutely cannot wait.  
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Sat, 07 Oct 2006 11:16:00 PST

Going places? At least I left my mark on some one...

I got called out at the Alice in Chains show as a comic. The first time I got called out rocked my taint, but this time was way cooler. Don't you know who I am?  I'm Elyse Mother-Fucking Huntoon,...
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Mon, 02 Oct 2006 01:26:00 PST

ByeByeMySpace!

Peace out MySpizzlers!  I'm off to ACL after the Backdizzle show tomorrow.  So come out to le show and say what's up, then wish me on my merry way.  I'll be MySpace free for FOUR D...
Posted by The Elyse Huntoon on Thu, 14 Sep 2006 01:35:00 PST