average dude? profile picture

average dude?

My first name's Butt

About Me


It's my dick in a box!
Please don't send me friend requests without messaging me first. You will either be ignored, or (if your profile is interesting enough) you will get a message from me asking you who you are and what it is you want. This is because I take the appellation "friends list" literally - meaning that, as far as possible, I like for everyone on my list to be someone that I talk to with some degree of regularity. I am not interested in having 658 friends (or, for that matter, even 200) so, if you want to be my friend, that's great. But talk to me first... please... thank you....

Do not be fearful of what you do not know. There is nothing you can do about these things, so you may as well let them happen and be glad that you can witness and learn from them. Do not be fearful of what you do not understand. Mystery and obscurity are not threats. One needs only to ask questions and search for truth to find satisfaction. Not necessarily to find truth, mind, only to search for it. It is for this search that we get up and go out into the world every day. For, indeed, if it is not to find the answers to questions we have not yet asked, then what? To pick up stamps, and try not to pay too much for tomatoes? To be on time for work? To get that cute new dress? Please. Don't get me wrong, I really want that dress. But only because it shows the small of my back. No, there is some other reason we are all here, a reason that transcends all the worries of global warming, gay marriage, and who will be the next American Idol.
I cannot tell you what this reason is, nor can anyone else. Anyone who says they can is either lying or delusional. Some are both.
All that said, I'm not crazy. I just like to get a rise out of people; I like to make people say "what? just what does he think he's prattling on about? i bet he just likes to hear the sound of his own voice." Whether I do or not is immaterial. If you're still reading this, I've done something right.

My Interests

Longboarding, snowboarding, photography, music, theatre, reading, writing, arithmetic, smokin weed, small explosives, haggis.

I'd like to meet:

Anyone. Everyone. No one at all.

Okay enough cryptic shit. I like people who are straight up. I like people who know what they want, at least today. I like people who think my lame and sometimes offensive jokes are funny. I like people who think their own lame and sometimes offensive jokes are funny. I like people who like beer and weed and occasional mushrooms, or at least who don't mind that I like those things. I won't ask you to carry my cross, so don't ask me to carry yours. Those fuckers are heavy.


I don't even really know why I do this anymore. A lot of things about myspace really piss me off: people who add you just so they can have more "friends"; people who post "chain bulletins" (the newest and most insidious form of the chain letter, where if you open it, you are automatically subject to its karmic whims - bad luck, love, or sex - if you don't repost it); people who post stupid surveys about themselves, especially when they preface it with something like "why do I do this?"; the increasing number of corporate entities with myspace profiles who use it solely for advertising..... I know the only way that this kind of thing is possible is through the selling of advertising space, but when companies start their own profiles, it feels like a step too far. It is another example of how the corporation is treated as a person in our society. Anyway. I'm ranting.

Maybe I want to meet you. Neither of us will find out until we try. As the Deaner said: Give 'er!

Music:

Just about anything. But everybody says that.

I like:
Old rock 'n' roll, especially on vinyl. Probably 80% of what I listen to.
Good hip hop. I've even heard some really good stuff that some might call "gangsta". I will say there's more bad than good in the hip hop world though
Folk music. What does that mean? Everything. And that's how I like it.
Some electronic stuff. dnb, jungle, break beats, some speed garage, very thin selection of house... again, you gotta wade through gallons of shit to find a few ounces of gold
Weird stuff. I may not be able to listen to a whole album, but anything that a large percentile of the population would say is weird is entertaining to me for a time.

Want me to go on? Too bad. This is boring. Got a specific group in mind, ask.

Movies:

Weird, dark humour is best. Don't like scary movies; real life scary enough.

Some faves from the last few months:
Napoleon Dynamite - by no means genius, but I laugh like a Japanese schoolgirl every time I watch it
Storytelling - from director Todd Solondz, who brought us Happiness and Welcome to the Dollhouse
The Ladykillers - sort of dumb, but just weird enough that it makes the cut
Fahrenheit 911 - Michael Moore is easy to hate, but he's a necessary character in these times

I don't know, more of them. My attention span for this kind of thing is shorter than a 13-year-old's beard

Television:

I watch, very often but almost exclusively, Family Guy, The Simpsons, South Park, King of the Hill, Kids in the Hall, and several stand-up shows

Simply put, almost all of my tv time is spent on the Comedy Network and Teletoon, with a couple of token visits to Discovery Channel.

Books:

I'm going to kick out the authors:
Joseph Heller (Catch-22, God Knows)
Edward Abbey (The Monkey Wrench Gang, Hayduke Lives)
John Steinbeck (The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, The Winter of our Discontent)
Paul Theroux (The Mosquito Coast)
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (Player Piano, Cat's Cradle, Breakfast of Champions, Welcome to the Monkey House)
Sue Townsend (The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Age 13 3/4; The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole; True Confessions of Adrian Albert Mole; Adrian Mole, The Lost Years; Adrian Mole, The Cappucino Years; Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction; here's hoping she puts out another sometime soon!)
Mark Twain (aka Samuel Langhorne Clemens) (The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
Lewis Carroll (aka Reverend Charles Lutwidge Dodgson) (Alice In Wonderland, Alice Through the Looking Glass)
Aldous Huxley (Brave New World)
There is more, but you've probably lost interest. I know I have.

Heroes:

I borrowed a bunch from Hogan

My Blog

complete sentences & about me survey (yes, diana, I am this lame)

1. I love... chinese sauces & prog rock2. Right now I want... her3. I feel like... getting this over with4. I hate it when... I ruin a sauce5. I fear... losing her6. I'm lonely without... her (do we s...
Posted by average dude? on Mon, 20 Nov 2006 02:30:00 PST

Canada: the polite police state

The following is the text of a questionnaire left by the police at my house following a number of arsons in the neighbourhood (Strathcona):Instructions:We would like you to read the following instruct...
Posted by average dude? on Sun, 10 Sep 2006 11:25:00 PST

riddle me this

why do they call them tennis bracelets? who the fuck plays tennis wearing $1500 in diamonds? people with too much money and not enough sense, that's who.ps. westerns rule. go wild bill go!
Posted by average dude? on Sat, 29 Apr 2006 02:24:00 PST

analyzed

Advanced Global Personality Test ResultsExtraversion 76%Stability 60%Orderliness 50%Accommodation 43%Interdependence 70%Intellectual 70%Mystical 56%Artistic 83%Religious 10%Hedonism 43%Mater...
Posted by average dude? on Mon, 24 Apr 2006 04:58:00 PST

Highway Girl

She had a beautiful apartment, she had a beautiful apartment. Actually, it was a lousy apartment, but she's very handy with her hands, and she's got architectural digest magazine, so she knows what s...
Posted by average dude? on Sat, 25 Feb 2006 07:56:00 PST

Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabe "Beware the Jabberwock, my son The jaws that bite, the claws that c...
Posted by average dude? on Sat, 08 Oct 2005 02:15:00 PST

Never get between a man and his smoke break

I have noticed, in the restaurant industry in particular, that there seems to be a certain sacredness surrounding the smoke break. I mean, no matter what your job is, in no matter what industry, if yo...
Posted by average dude? on Tue, 04 Oct 2005 04:22:00 PST

Whaddalife

So, this weekend, I attended a wedding. It was a very close friend's wedding. And when I say that, I mean that the bride was my ex-girlfriend from junior high, who cheated on me with one of my friends...
Posted by average dude? on Mon, 26 Sep 2005 01:09:00 PST

Not Finished

Ponder, if you will, the following interaction: "Was it not finished?" "Yes, it was not finished". This was an exchange between a coworker and I yesterday. Let me preface this by saying I was s...
Posted by average dude? on Mon, 19 Sep 2005 10:33:00 PST

raspy-voiced and sore-necked but happy

I have but one thing to say: System Of A Down rocked the fuckin Pacific Coliseum last night like no other. First time they've been to Van in six years, and last time I missed them at OzzFest by like h...
Posted by average dude? on Sun, 18 Sep 2005 03:53:00 PST