Josip

I was born right next to Jim Morrison's Parisian grave to an unwed mother who was in the midst of a 3 day acid trip when she went into labour. Needless to say, my life was never easy after that. My mother was a Canadian of mixed Irish-Mongolian-Croatian- Senegalese-Ojibway-Punjabi-Portuguese-Arab heritage, while my father (whom I only met once) was a Polish-Prussian drunkard who wandered the earth. At an early age I had to adapt quickly and seek ways to provide for myself, as my mom was usually strung-out on one drug or another in between protest marches and radical theatre stagings. I worked in the morgue, right near where I was born, bloodletting for most of my early years. My mother died during that time after injecting a lethal dosage of heroin, angel dust, crushed qualuudes, a horse tranquilizer of sorts and some honey. After that, I attended school at a monastery in Switzerland, but was quickly expelled after I was discovered copulating with a variety of farm animals. I took to begging in order to survive, and ended up joining a gypsy family where I wandered the whole Balkan peninsula, singing songs on a broken-down accordion. A kindly German man took pity on me one day and became my patron as I toured Europe as part of a prized oom pah-pah band. My striking features got me noticed by a modelling agent and I was soon all over the runways of Milan and Paris. I made vast amounts of money, but soon tired of the shallow emptiness of the fashion world, and retired to a spiritual retreat in Nepal. After a while, however, I met a pair of snowboarding champions from North America and the sedate life of a Buddhist monk became quite dreary. I joined my new compatriots and we travelled from the southernmost tip of Chile to the glacial mountains of Canada, in an endless search for kicks. While in the Americas, I finally met my father, while he was lying on his deathbed in Los Angeles. He told me that I was the descendant of Prussian and Polish royalty and that he was living in exile after the Communists removed his rights to his heirdom. My full proper name was revealed to be the High Duke Joszef Marek Stanislaus Milos Szerdjarewiczkyi IV and I have been cheated of my right to the Prussian throne, as the country no longer exists. I stayed on in L.A. for a time, trying my hand at film work and eventually ended up composing soundtracks for pornographic films. Too much exposure to sex had me seeking redemption. I began to seek guidance through a Croatian nun living in California, but instead I deflowered and impregnated her and followed her back to her native land to raise our triplets. I currently live on the outskirts of Zagreb, tending to my cattle and my sheep while vigourously training my boys in soccer and basketball, cause that's where the money is, eh? Become my friend and contact me at any time...