Jim Jividen profile picture

Jim Jividen

Literature is the Hatchet With Which We Chop at the Frozen Seas Inside Us.

About Me


Hi. I'm Jim.
I'm a lawyer, having been a dues paying member of the California Bar since I was 24.
But I don't do that anymore. So, I suppose I'm a failed lawyer. Aw.
And I'm a professor, teaching at a small college in south Florida since the top of 2004 after earning a 4.0 in picking up my second graduate degree, this one a Masters in US History. I'm good at the gig. If, in a peculiar twist, the fate of humanity were to rest on one man to deliver a lecture on the categorical imperative or involuntary manslaughter, I'd be the guy you wanted at the podium.
But my school recently shut my department down, leaving me to scramble for courses. I believe next quarter I'm teaching The Poetry of the Oppressed. So, I suppose I'm a failed professor. Aw.
I'm a playwright. In 2006, a play I co-authored, Spoon Millionaires was produced in Ohio. I've been speaking, performing, or writing constantly since I was 14; this seemed to be my best shot at fortune, glory, and having my peculiar combination of whimsy and obstinance recognized by the world at large.
And it's funny. Honest. If you read it, you'd like it. Everyone does. And believe me, having written plenty of things that most people barely understand, I know when it is people enjoy something I've written.
But it doesn't appear to matter, as it seems that I've failed at this also. Wait for it....aw.
I won a bunch of money on a game show; started a sketch comedy troupe; DJ'd for a local radio station; was a stage actor, a National Endowment for the Humanities Scholar, and a nationally awarded competitive speaker.
But truthfully, most of those things turned out badly too. Discouraging. Single tear.
I like San Francisco sports teams. I like food I do not eat. In ways good and bad, I am the Charlie Browningest motherfucker you ever met. I aspire to be an agoraphobic.
I dig me. A lot.
I'm a bit of a mixed bag, all told. I mean, if you're expecting Billy Dee Williams, you're probably in the wrong place. But I do irrationally enjoy barking out the word "Ballin'!" for no apparent reason.
I occasionally blog. I think I'm good at it. If you'd like to hire me for a book or a television series or a children's party, or a donkey show, I'm likely to accept. I'm less discerning than one might think.
I am unnaturally attracted to the letter L. I like conjunctive adverbs. I enjoy the quirky, and were I to ever meet a woman whose eyesight is failing and whose standards are sufficiently low that she would consider spending her life with me, probably she would be left handed, at least metaphorically. I think, probably, I'm looking Tina Fey or maybe the all growns up version of Angela Chase. With a most excellent rack. 'Cause I'm all dude, you know, despite evidence to the contrary. Twisted steel and sex appeal. Yup. True story. It's not a dealbreaker if her name is without L, but it would really help a brother out. In fact, if you are a single woman and you have L's in your name, I would almost certainly date the hell out of you. It's a concern.
I get me, Chico. Whether you do or not.
I like to talk about the American Railway Union led Pullman strike from the end of the 19th century; I like to talk about the 14th Amendment being the most significant piece of legislation in the history of the Western Hemisphere; I like to talk about the many variants of the suplex.
I have any number of aliases:
Toothless Julie, the Recently Debt-free.
Bo, the World's Most Gorgeous Retard
Kinda Slutty Louise, Who Cannot Play the Banjo.
Ernie Who Hoards Mints for the Winter
Tom the Itinerant Sheet Cake Thief,
Pockmarked Milton the Mighty Donged,
Margie, who had 2 Back Alley Abortions even after Roe v. Wade.
Toby the Bearded, Who Eats His Own Beard
Toothache Jackson, the Lightly beaten.
But you can call me Jim. Or Miss Jackson, if you're nasty.
There are people who, for whatever mildly disturbing reason, find me entertaining. I worry about these people.
Thanks for popping in. Proud of you. You can also find me at the following sites:
www.spoonmillionaires.com
www.whatifwrestling.blogspot.com
And, of course, read my myspace blog. It's right up there in its assigned location- go get it, son! Snatch the pebble from my hand! It's in English and everything; you can read it left to right and sound out the big words.Proud of you. Mean it.

My Interests

Theatrical comedy. Websites about theatrical comedy. Paying to see theatrical comedy when it comes to my town. Women who particularly enjoy authors of theatrical comedy. Spoons. Millionaires. Searching for some way to put those two things together. Come on, brain--think, think, think!
I'm neither anti-Semitic nor am I an opium fiend. So, if you're looking for such, I can't help. I'm sorry to disappoint.
Consider this for a moment. If you say to me "would you prefer strawberries or cherries?"I say "strawberries, every fucking day of the week. No contest." Just load me up with some strawberries, son. If my college ever has a shortfall during a pay period, they can pay me in strawberries for a couple of weeks.But if you say "which is the better pie?"With exactly, I mean, exactly the same intensity, without an ounce of variation or hesitation, I'd say "cherry."Now why is that? Why can't the strawberry people make a better pie? In any human endeavor, is there a circumstance analogous to the odd relationship between strawberries and cherries vis-a-vis pie?
Yeah, I am exactly like this. This is exactly what I'm like. Yeah. Do with that what you will.

I'd like to meet:

This is the fatter version of me, from August, 2006, "acting". I like to point out how much cuter I am than this now, but eventually, whatever points the weight loss gets me will be outstripped by my advancing age, so I'll let you make your own aesthetic decision. Giving a subtle, understated, but powerful performance is Kirk Hiner, co-author of Spoon Millionaires. . Sometimes people show this to their children. I am uncertain I approve.

Music:

80s popular music that could somehow be utilized in a play set in 1986. Like the theme from Silver Spoons, for example. "Here we are/face to face/a couple of Silver Spoons./Hoping to find/we're two of a kind/making it something/making it something else." Tremendous.
I got a bearskin rug. I got a fireplace too. I love me the Grammy Awards, where it's 1984 forever.
My favorite song is the version of Everlong that Grohl sang on Stern. If you haven't heard it I'm uncertain we have anything left to discuss.
Currently, I'm listening to the soundtrack from Once. As a 1/2 member of the tribe, there's nothin' like a heartbroken Irishman.

Movies:

Movies? Fuck movies. Seriously. Who has time to waste on what is probably a terrible movie that includes absolutely no references to spoons or millionaires? Instead of movies, why not spend time at the live theater? Perhaps at a comedy. Modesty prevents me from suggesting which one.
Oh, I guess I do like documentaries. And gay porn. But not documentaries of gay porn, curiously. I find those to be pretentious.
King of Kong is good to watch.

Television:

I liked Buffy. But those bastards ripped it off the air and broke me in my tender places. Now, I just go to the theater to see Spoon Millionaires, which is a lot like Buffy, but you really have to see it a number of times to make that connection.
I enjoy watching commentary tracks. It turns what would otherwise not be a documentary into a documentary watching experience.
If you aren't watching The Wire, you're making a mistake.

Books:

Books are overrated, compared, you know, to theatrical comedies. Although, I do enjoy whatever is the most recent leftist screed. I'm way left. Like, "I worked for Jerry Brown in the Democratic Primary in 1992 and since then the Democrats have been far, far, far too conservative for me" left.
In fact, although I've been voting for President since I was 17 (true story) a candidate I've voted for has never once won. Not a primary. Not a general election. (True story.) I get an unnatural degree of satisfaction from this.
Once again, I lost this year as well. The candidate I voted for in the primary not only lost the primary but now has dropped out of the race. 20 Years of Losing! I should get t-shirts made.
I loved the Charles Schulz bio with a boundless melancholy. There's also a baseball book Robert Coover wrote about 40 years ago that scratches me in my most tender of places.

Heroes:

Heroes...I'm a little too solipsistic to really have heroes, but I guess U.S. Supreme Court Justice Willian Brennan, who first articulated the notion of the living Constitution and everyone who badgers their area theaters to write the co-authors of Spoon Millionaires a sweetass check in order to bring the greatest theatrical comedy ever written to their town.
Were you to read a summer, 2007 blog entry, you'd see that my heroes often times wind up committing homicide. So, if say, Michael Moore or The Fonz ever wind up killing everyone in a convenience store one night, blame me. I have the power supreme!

My Blog

Marcus Aurelius, Lauren Conrad, Jacques Lacan, Saved by the Bell...its Jims first Blog in 2K8

My very first memory is of being at the hospital.   I was getting circumcised; which is a bad enough experience, but the process took approximately a day and a half, just given, you know the imm...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Sun, 20 Jan 2008 10:54:00 PST

Jim Explains How 9 X 8 = 73.

Know what I was really good at?   (Yeah, yeah, long time, I know; you've missed me; I'm like an angel on your shoulder; my words are needed to lubricate your glide through the sometimes treacher...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Sun, 18 Nov 2007 10:44:00 PST

7 Plumbers in Six Years (or: Beavers Really Were Once the Size of Bears)

Me (about 3:30 AM last Sunday night): What...what...what....what...whathwatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat?   That's my groggy, "there's something happening that should not be happening at 3:30 in the morni...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Sun, 29 Jul 2007 01:13:00 PST

Goodnight You Moonlight Ladies - A Fond Farewell to Kirk

Jim:  So.   Kirk: No, but I...nevermind. The people who would've gotten that reference joke aren't reading MySpace.   Jim:  So, I'm sittin' around drinkin' diet raspberry Snapple...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Wed, 18 Jul 2007 06:36:00 PST

Jim Poses Ethical Dilemmas

This is unusual, I recognize. Oh, first, for those who have asked, please note that once again my entire blog, from August of '06, through today, is accessible, and feel free to go to spoonmillionaire...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Sat, 07 Jul 2007 01:00:00 PST

Everything Will Happen. OJ. Benoit. And Jim

My first hero was OJ Simpson. In the late 1970s, I was a poor kid growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, as OJ Simpson had been a generation before.  And I was a San Francisco sports fan, of ...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Wed, 27 Jun 2007 11:04:00 PST

Who Better Than Jim to Blog Mothers Day?

"This is the Voice In Jim's Head - I know, I know, all you sweet ass bitches love you some VIJH.  Jim, he's sort of a pussy, half crazy, possibly syphlitic, who knows the horrible blotches that m...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Mon, 14 May 2007 04:49:00 PST

Jim's Religion Blog. A Controversial Exclusive from spoonmillionaires.com.

The blogs at the spoonmillionaires.com site, while still wildly profane and inappropriate for a person of my professional stature (I'm very, very important and respected.  Seriously.  Stop l...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Sun, 06 May 2007 07:30:00 PST

Jim Gets All HighBrow and Shit: The Hermeneutics of Spoon Millionaires, A Marxist Critique

It's time that I blog. It's time that I blog, but I cannot. It's a good thing, actually, the reason I cannot blog is that I am remarkably free from the type of inner anguish that has fueled me artisti...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Sun, 22 Apr 2007 10:13:00 PST

Kirk kindly makes it easier for you to remember him when he's gone.

Jim says it's time I got a blog up here, and he's right. I've started three now, but abandoned them all faster than my bastard children I left in New York City.I should point out, I guess, that that w...
Posted by Jim Jividen on Wed, 11 Apr 2007 07:00:00 PST