The Kenny Rogers Experience

Despite his inability to sing or play any sort of instrument well, The Swede vowed to press on in the face of insurmountable odds. No one would play with him and so he played with himself. When those two minutes of bliss were over, he decided to record some of his terrible song ideas and post them on the internet, where they could become despised, adored, or completely ignored on a global scale. Fortunately he lived in a time where any asshole with a computer and a little patience could record their own music digitally and so he did just that.Amazingly, just days after posting his first song on MySpace, legendary producer Rick Rubin stumbled across the track while trolling the internet for underage pussy. A recording date was set and Rubin brought in legendary producer Phil Spector to help engineer the session. This turned out to be a bad idea when the two legendary producers began to have creative differences regarding vocal tones and Spector produced a gun which he'd had concealed in his large hair. The resulting firefight claimed the lives of three studio employees, four musicians, and a drummer.The project was briefly shelved during court proceedings stemming from the incident until legendary producer Moby expressed in interest in re-recording several of the tracks with the assistance of friend and fellow legendary producer Fatboy Slim. Midway through a late night recording session, the two legendary producers had creative differences over which pizza delivery service should be called and what toppings should go on the pizza. The two legendary producers were both skilled in martial arts, and the resulting hand to hand combat resulted in multiple contusions, lacerations, concussions, and the tragic end of their friendship. Both legendary producers stormed off the project and a pepperoni and pineapple pizza was brought in.At this point, legendary producer George Martin was hired to remix the tapes with the assistance of legendary producer Sean "P-Diddy" Combes. When the two legendary producers got into a fistfight over proper microphone stand placement the project was scrapped and the Swede vowed never to work with legendary producers ever again, returning once more to the peaceful solitude of home recording on Garageband. Calls from Quncy Jones will not be returned.BUT THEN A FUNNY THING HAPPENED:One day The Swede was at his computer, hard at work crafting utterly tasteless tunes when a knock came tapping, gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door. Expecting to find a large black raven on his doormat, he instead opened the door to find a menacing figure there, clutching a human skull encrusted parasol in one hand and a set of splintery drumsticks in the other. He introduced himself simply as "Mike". Behind him in the darkness lurked a shadowy figure holding a bass guitar who introduced himself as "Sam" (obviously an alias).Convinced that they'd come to rob him, The Swede struggled to slam the door and reach for his home defense blackjack, but the two nefarious characters were quicker and soon had him pinned to the floor by the neck. Before he had time to piss his pants, cry like a little girl and beg for his life, they informed him that they'd heard the racket as they were randomly passing by casing the neighborhood for good burglary targets. Since they were both wanted by the police, the two proposed changing their last names to "Swede" and forming a band in order to create new identities to stay one step ahead of the law. The added motivation of dual death threats sealed the deal, and thus The Swedes were born.Later that year during one of the band's scheduled nature walks, the three members stumbled across a shadowy figure found skulking in the forests surrounding Portland. Suffering from severe dehydration and hypothermia, the three Swedes took him home and placed him in a shoebox, eventually nursing him back to health on a diet of goat's milk mixed with their own blood. The mysterious individual claimed his name was Jim (although was unable to provide documentation of any kind). With the aid of a borrowed guitar and other people's gear, he was formally inducted into the musical combo in a bizarre ritual involving feathers, rattles, and raw chicken parts. There may or may not have been a Dreamcatcher involved. This infusion of new talent to the ensemble inspired the merry band of ne'er do wells to change their last names to "Rogers" and begin calling themselves The Kenny Rogers Experience pending emergence of a more clever moniker and/or legal action from Kenny Rogers' surgically mangled eyelids.Calls from Quincy Jones may be considered...