Mike Nolan profile picture

Mike Nolan

A DELIGHT, ROMPING, GOOD FUN! - The New York Times

About Me

Mike Nolan: The Haiku

I be Mike Nolan
X's and O's are my jam
Let's tango, asshole.


I'm head coach of the San Francisco 49ers. I used to be a defensive coordinator in the National Football League for quite a number of years, but, it wasn't payin' the bills (pay-per-view is really expensive!) and I decided that maybe I have what it takes to run "the show" just like my pappy Dick Nolan (Heh heh. His name is "Dick") used to do back in the day...

I love you pappy.

My Interests

Football...duh! Also, on my days off, I enjoy hiding in the bushes and waiting for kids to walk by so I could jump out and startle them, causing them to pee themselves... haha! stupid kids! Oh, and when no ones looking, I like to practice my "mean face". You know, the one I always make for no reason whatsoever? It's actually quite similar to my "O" face but that's 'kinda personal. You have to really know me for me to tell you something like that. Or, you could give me money. Mike Nolan enjoys money...give me money!

Other interests include: working out, fascism, going to my neighbor's house and opening everything with a door on it (cabinets, refrigerator, oven, drawers) and then telling him I was raised in a barn, and huge balls.

I'd like to meet:


"No Ken, I don't have change for a dollar. Can't you see we're trying to play some football here?! Go wait in the car...and take Cody with you."

Keep on truckin' Timmy...wherever you are.

"Listen guys, this joke isn't going to work until one of you pulls my finger..."

Is that the playbook in my pants, or am I just happy to see you?

No, It's just the playbook.

Music:

Bruce Springsteen, Supertramp, The Village people, K.C & the Sunshine Band, Run DMC, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Pornosonic (porn music of the 70's and 80's).

Movies:

The only movies I watch are game review tapes...and porn.

Television:

Television rots the brain. I prefer to snort a few lines of coke and run through the streets naked. Heh, one time, during practice, I was so high that I challenged former player Andre Carter to a naked Greco-Roman wrestling match because I didn't like the way he was looking at my number 1 draft pick, Alex Smith. Suffice it to say, he beat the crap outta me, but, at least I got to wrestle a black man in the nude!

Now that I think about it, I don't think I like the way Manny Lawson has been looking at Alex...

Books:

The playbook, baby!

Heroes:

My pappy "Big" Dick Nolan (that's what my mother calls him...*shudders*) Bill Bellichick, Andy Reid, Bruce Vilanch, Steve from the local Subway who know how to make my sandwiches just the way I like, hot lunch, and Brawny (the paper towel man).