About Me
First things first! Yes, I am the asshole who writes the column on DeansPlanet.com, a haven for wacky interviews and slightly risque girlie pics. You can check it out HERE.
Or, maybe you're sick and tired of seeing pics of Lindsay Lohan's ass, and you just want to read my shit. Screw you, it could happen! Anyway, you can find my personal collection of pointless missives and interviews HERE.
Oh, and OF COURSE I have a blog! I'm just as pretentious as you are! So, now that we have that out of the way, let's move along;
I was born a poor black child on 10 April, 1974. Well, I'm not really black... but I can cut a funky freestyle and I got some pimped out rims on my piece of shit car, so close enough. Holla. I came into this world as a breach baby, so I started out life backward. As such, I've been trying to get my shit together ever since. Having been raised in that cultural Mecca known as suburban Detroit, I learned everything I needed to know about life from Beatles records, 80's movies and Three's Company, which taught me that life is nothing more than one giant misunderstanding. It also taught me that boobs are jiggly.
These days, I live as a confirmed bachelor in an apartment that's (unfortunately) not too far from my hometown. I spend a lot of time writing and drinking incredibly cheap beer; in fact, I probably drink way too much, but that's only because I don't get along with my liver. (It's rather aloof and stand-offish.) I've been polluting the net with my bullshit ever since December, 2002, when I took my position as a DeansPlanet.com staff writer. I'm hoping to branch out a bit (read: "whore myself out for money") in the near future. Considering my overall disdain for humanity, I have no idea why I'm on MySpace. But since you're here, feel free to poke around a bit... just keep the fuck out of my liquor.
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And now, the required lame ass MySpace survey! Bear with me now as I fall in line behind the rest of you mindless sheep;
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Jeremy the Loner
Birthday: April 10, 1974 A.D.
Birthplace: In a taxi cab on the way back from the liquor store.
Current Location: Skiing in Maui, jackass. Obviously, I'M IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING COMPUTER.
Eye Color: Brown, like a chocolate frosted Pop Tart.
Hair Color: As black as my father's cynical heart.
Height: Oh, fuck off. So you're taller than I am. It doesn't make you better than me!
Right Handed or Left Handed: I always use my right hand... unless my wrist cramps up from overuse.
Your Heritage: Irish. English. Italian. Hindu. Asian. French. Scottish. African-American. People in my family fuck anything that moves.
The Shoes You Wore Today: I've been barefoot all day, but it's only 7:00am right now. Jesus Christ, why can't I fucking sleep? Look at what I'm doing to pass the time!
Your Weakness: Brunettes in tank tops and tight denim shorts.
Your Fears: The only thing worth fearing is death. And me, I WELCOME IT.
Your Perfect Pizza: One that doesn't have the delivery boy's love goo slathered on it. Hey, I'm easy to please.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: I would like to overthrow the Pope. I can't believe nobody approached me to take over after John Paul died!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "Are you sure your parents won't be coming home? I could get in a lot of trouble for this, LOL!"
Thoughts First Waking Up: "This isn't my house!"
Your Best Physical Feature: My massive biceps and pecs. And you could bounce a girl scout off my tight ass.
Your Bedtime: Whenever the booze runs dry or I pass out. Whichever comes first.
Your Most Missed Memory: Alcohol has thankfully robbed me of all memories of the past, including last night.
Pepsi or Coke: Neither. Bring on the Ice Beast, motherfuckers!
MacDonalds or Burger King: Whichever one is closest (and still open) when I stagger out of the bar late at night.
Single or Group Dates: Group dates? No, thanks... it's hard enough to be naked when I'm by myself. Never mind the audience.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: 5 O'Clock Vodka. Legally, they can't make cheaper liquor than that.
Chocolate or Vanilla: I refuse to answer such a politically incorrect question.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Look, only grown-ups drink that shit. The only time I'd ever ask for a cup of coffee is if I wanted something scalding to throw in your face.
Do you Smoke: Yeah, right. $5.00 for a pack of cancer sticks? I can't even afford to fucking eat.
Do you Swear: Absolutely not! The only way you can truly swear is to take the Lord's name in vain, goddammit!
Do you Sing: My neighbors have been treated to my Barry Manilow imitation on a daily basis. At least, they were treated to it until I drove them to move out.
Do you Shower Daily: Of course! In what other instance during the course of the day is it considered acceptable to dance naked and rub yourself up and down? I NEED that little daily break.
Have you Been in Love: Regrettably, yes, but I think I've since been cured. DID YOU HEAR ME, BITCH? I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! Okay, that's better.
Do you want to go to College: I wanna go to that college in "Revenge of the Nerds" so Louis can hook me up with a cheerleader.
Do you want to get Married: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! No.
Do you belive in yourself: "I believe that children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." Pass me that crack pipe, Whitney.
Do you get Motion Sickness: Nah... I take bouncing motions like a champ.
Do you think you are Attractive: Oh, Lord, no. I think I create lesbians just by walking down the street.
Are you a Health Freak: Are you kidding? I cover everything I eat with at least an inch of salt. Even ice cream.
Do you get along with your Parents: Who?
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yeah, because there's always that chance I'll get struck by lightning. BRING IT ON, GOD! I'M READY!
Do you play an Instrument: I'm going to resist the urge to make a disgusting sexual reference here.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: A better question would be, "Have you STOPPED drinking alcohol?"
In the past month have you Smoked: Well, my pants started smoking when I saw this hot babe on The Weather Channel the other day. I love chicks in power suits!
In the past month have you been on : Been on what? A hobby horse? An Oriental chick? Who wrote this fucking thing?
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Actually, I have. (Sorry about the incident with the ice scraper, sweetie.)
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes, but security won't let me in the door with my rifle. Bastards.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Don't Oreos come in a bag? Either way, no. If I'm gonna eat some "box," it ain't gonna be a bunch of shitty-tasting cookies.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Oh, come on! Now you're trying to FORCE me to be disgusting! I'm going to refrain from answering this one, too.
In the past month have you been on Stage: Yes, and you should have heard my karaoke rendition of "Love Stinks." I made Adam Sandler my bitch.
In the past month have you been Dumped: No. That would necessitate having a girlfriend, wouldn't it?
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Oh yeah... people always go skinny dipping in Michigan during the month of April when it's 40 degrees outside. I'm not a member of the fucking Polar Bears Club.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Only the heart of a cute Russian chick. Oh, and a car.
Ever been Drunk: I'll bet you're thinking I'm going to say, "Yes, right now" aren't you? Oh yeah? Screw you.
Ever been called a Tease: Yeah. Tee hee hee! I tease people with my child-bearing hips every time I slink across the room.
Ever been Beaten up: No way. I'll fuck your shit up.
Ever Shoplifted: No, I have never lifted a shop. I could lift a big rock, though... just point one out and I'll show you.
How do you want to Die: Like Scarface. All I need is lots of guns and piles of cocaine.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Something other than this. Like Wayne Newton, or whatever.
What country would you most like to Visit: One where my meager earnings would equal great wealth.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: I don't care. Just close those eyes and get ready to be disappointed, baby.
Favourite Hair Color: Upstairs or downstairs?
Short or Long Hair: See above.
Height: Short enough to make me look tall, even when she's in heels. Hey, are any midgets reading this?
Weight: Light enough for me to sling them over my shoulder, or drag them around like the primitive caveman I am.
Best Clothing Style: Easily torn.
Number of I have taken: What??? Again, who's the dumbass who wrote this?
Number of CDs I own: Not as many as you, probably. I spend my money on shit like beer and Easy Cheese.
Number of Piercings: I pierced the bottom of my foot the other day when I stepped on a tack. It didn't make me feel "cooler," though.
Number of Tattoos: I have your mother's name tattooed on my ass. I love her tender, yet rough, caresses.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Everything from 1997 on.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!
