i soon as i wake up...every night, every day

im not breathing today.. and heres why.samuel l jackson is on tv at the moment, slipping his dry sandy gooch into beckhams (female) anal passage. chris martin from coldplay is singing along in the background and collaborting with kanye west to produce "orange sex beats" jiggley diggley toadey beats.i havent recieved my award yet for that day i crumbled up 90 mexicans and baked a badger pie for the local maggot breeder. i was wearing a no frills leather jacket and stopped to watch a mayflower drug buster from toronto build a tower of leather in dedication to the queen,i have a 50% rotatable haircut.spina bifada runs rife in my family, jools holland and julian clary had an argument on radio 2 last night, over the legitamacy of the existence of gravity. julian clary never wears anything that isnt stained with gravy. and underwear made of knock off lime extrct.that blonde one from girls aloud sucked off jimmy hill in the background and the kasier cheifs did covers of ealry stereophonics songs.my new idead for a televsion series; obscure celebertiys performing gratuioutios sexual acts while shit bands jam along in the background. like a toad in the hole, but instead of mash potoato id use a pile of cocaine/speed compound mixture. and instead of a snag (the banger) id use a barn owl.i fell in ove with you the day you followed through.sir, i can only apologise for that day i shit all over your bed, and grabbed it and rubbed it into your pillow, i realise now that thi scould ONLY have caused upset, and would not like it if you had done that to me, infact i would have taken it very badly. and please pass on my apologies to your mother.gary linker, the spotty nosed slack jawed gangle bruised goose masher yesterday tried it on with my girlfriend. he wanted to do a kiss and tell and sell his story to the daily star, i told her to go along with it, but just as he turned the lights out and was ready to grasp with her pert little frame, i swapped her for pete doherty, and took infared pictures of the floppy eared motorhead fan hard at it with britains favourite crack addict.i have little to no hair around my testicles, but an ABUNDANCE around my anus. pourquoi?a nice cold guiness poured directly into my arsehole makes me laugh until my lungs hurt.fucki tjust start typing...making love to a honeydew melon, and i realise my hairs falling out. its the minerals and fickle lime deposits that build up that the small of your back during periods of heavy sweating that do it...im sure of it. and what to makeof the situation over deep fried battered strawberry's?the small soft eaters.... so, i was thinking about happy days, masturbating of course, when all of a sudden my head became hot, i thought about taking my balaclava offcurtain call for 5 twats. take the stage you FUcKING cockroaches. put the sluts down, you mongers. the people expect beer chanters, and they will have them,, one pub pomposity! single minded carling drinkers. I predict a riot! false prophets for the drunk. never cry over spilt pies, u filthy morons. shellshock over meat encased pastry, the sticky cave of carol vorderman is mine for the taking. highfliers, fast blowjobs. the national currency of Cambodia is grease, a lump of grease the size of your fist is 50p. one off buys large specials, mammoth amounts of grease are required. local etiquette dictates that the buyer should scent the grease with expensive and rare ocean fragrances and offer the virginal trout's of his daughters as deal sweeteners, mungo cherry slap-up boulder-dash lobster bash cram it in the pram parsnip pushers. flakey as the trigger-man of a poorly performed yakuza goon monkey epilepsy inspired brothel sparse reclining grout of a pristine bathroom suite with running cement for water and a red hot goose for the purpose of revealing secrets of lime green sticky gummers, long monsters made entirely of nipple like material, uber sensitive and likely to provoke violent and spontaneously capering ham wielders. keytones of a slingstone, fred flinstone overthrows the deadlocks of Kaiser chiefs, the radiators are busted, there's a dead pigeon inside my heating, and my brother requires entry! I owe him a dozen eggs, but I won't allow him access!!! no way, not today. show the ferret to the nutrients. Scottish kilt pin willowers. swing the banjo beat hammer, hold sweet on the kicker card, ride it hard all the way to the river, never fold, peter Doherty's failings in the games of poker is that he will always fold in a re-raise situation, this is how I can afford that little bit of extra meat every weekend, long strings of the banjo, the chords of my soul,my heart is a pure Wednesday soul breaker, which pumps pure bluegrass, silk worms. if a man invented a contraption for firing out horseshoes at high velocities, I would give him a wide birth! for he would be a dangerous man to cross any day, sharpened horseshoes, deal sweeteners, coconuts loaded with rock salt, fired at you. all can be bought at the supermarket, and made in an afternoon for less than 25 pounds. the worse place to be in jail is Calais, the last time I was in jail in Calais, I was stung many times by wasps. so close to home, yet so far, and during shower time I was approached by at least 4 men, big sex predators, big sharpticks, which he hand fashioned from his own arm, shaved his hand and bone to a razor like sharpstick. im labeled as a bad character, no matter what I do. for my acts of farmyard degradation probably, a-force Audley Harrison, introduced me once, to Ainsley Harriet, they are good friends, and close business partners, we had a competition to see who could eat the most butter. no time limit. we both ate 4kilos, ainsley kept up with me, I could eat no more, and ainsley went on to eat another two kilos, how embarrassing.he can cum on a ten second countdown routine, even from a flaccid starting position. which is why he insists the crowd .. steady cook give him a 10 second countdown, smacking his man batterGemma was a strange one, I mean...I just don't know why ? I mean, I realized what was going on, I just couldn't stop it. stuck, if you will. imagine that, incarcerated by a big jumbo tweaker, I was the hot dog for her bun. despising your girlfriend, but forever trapped, hating the very site of her, oh no, Gemacolicus. big greasy gem, big motty Gem.. there was this one time... we were in Barnsley, for the whole vodka bite experience, balls to the wall, left eye to the nipple ring, with horrible gem, my overweight girlfriend, I just kept spending my load... and we required the bus back home, gem refused to lend me the bus fare , because I was so drunk, but she insisted on taking someone's car, and driving me home, so we jumped in this car, furry nipple rings, technical horses... shiny king dick accelerator, rumbling pram squashers. and im real sloppy, and refusing to wear my seatbelt, and Gem goof's and crashes the car into a goddam tree, when she insisted on wiping her arse with my socks, I drew the line... I pissed in her palm, rubbed a sugar and lard concentrate into her forehead and slipped my meat inside her earlobe, just like I saw jack Kerouac do once on prime time TV, if you ever get hard up for money, I've heard David Attenborough takes payments of 1000 pounds to put one of your digits in a loaded gun and pull the trigger, there's a quick twenty grand you can win, or you against the hump headed parrot fish, or a Siberian businessmen, both big rock biters. cock foster single mum imposter. pink sloppy chopper ping used on every thousandth Tesco customer. cum curry paste. loaded chops.the vaginal yearnings of a big wooly wall shanker knifing his way through Brooklyn, three sheets to the wind, scared for his life but determined to remain in the sanctity of his and his children's rectal cavity.spread your glutes and take the hit. you'll never need to force the fish. during the filming of twins in the 1980's Danny De Vito took so many hallucinogens, peyote and san Pedro etc, that he finally found out what it's like to grow out of your own hair, and has since required heavy tranquilization via the means of giant fist shaped suppositories of raw crystal meth. when pete Doherty was very young, he got his foot inside a milk bottle, and has since left it there, and it only broke when he was 22, now his foot is the exact shape of a milk bottle!the last time I got drunk on cider was a low class whore brothel, in surrey, where Chris Tarrant was hosting a charity auction of infected celebrity sex toys, and after wards there was a lot of gratis sauce, Chinese vodka mostly, me and Taran whipped out the Bulmer's, and he played jazz on a long thin cello. Huey Morgan of the fun loving criminals got so drunk that he started handing out hand jobs, originally starting off gratis, but increasing in price as demand grew, sometimes taking up to twenty phalluses to task at any one time. Tarrants insecurities all stem from the force feeding of cheese as a child. which went for 4 years by his father, at least 2 hours a day, the big blue moldy smelly cheese, Gorgonzolas, old stilton's, so much raw cheese before bed time. dead dog in a box. that's what's in that centre stand on deal or no deal. the dog that ate his dad, a dog ate Chris Tarrants dad, a dog with human hands, suffered from terrible bouts of cramp. a victim of the salt drought of 1987. so he ate Chris Tarrants dad, I loathed him. jiving around like a big fleshy whirligig, raving it up with long crab stabbers, long crazy catchers for the whore-hose surgeon. uses his tongue as his fifth limb. the eyes of a nubile spider crab. the comfortable lungs, of a dead parrot pigeon. retired crab eyes.in the winter time, aLL robins come together , belly up, to form foxes. that's how foxes came about , all the robins fly together, fleshy meat battles, punting out casino odds in the street. my best friend at work is called dick boulevard, he is a sea fish expert, and a laser surgeon, and his long gangly eyebrowsers, hide no secrets of his life as a moonlight mudslinger. but in a knife fight in a tunnel, shank or be shank style, I would back him against most, even against a hog, but in a marine environment , forget about it, he couldn't even fight off a randy sea lion.. Brenda sells knocked off prawns 4 quid for 4kg of unshelled, baisted, prawns. simple.deodorise.defrost.season. encase within Brandy snap cones and served to chinese war veterans, all of whom were smoking yogo seeds and whizz through piss bong and whooping it up on brandy and performing a strange ritual where two at a time they wouldstand back to back, reach around and furiously beat each other off while the others circled around. Jumpin up and downand mimicking the noises made by crows, they went on for hours those noisey pigs, grinding it out until every last man was spent. Just keep thinking about your fans, tranfer your bodily fluids liberally when requested and secretely at all other times. Follow the path of least resistance. Like flouride on water, flowing to the sea. SLide along the world ona chemically lubricated gravy boat powered by a wall of wet warm powerful energy which i envoke from within myself through the love of being very alive spoon fulls of hemp butter mdma in appropraite doses all administered via the dagenham residence of concrete brow mopper Zoe Ball.