I was always the cool kid that sat in the back of the bus.
I create art for Patrick Bateman.
I get parties started with butt house showers.
Quality time with the fam.
Strip Foozball sucks when there's only dudes at the party....
Chalking it up before I hit up the parallel bars.....and a night of unprotected sex and indescent exposure.
Remember when we were all young and all girls were scared of "sex" and they wouldn't touch a sex hog so they wouldn't be labeled a "slut"? Remember when a girl said "no" it ment "NO!!!!"..... will same goes for us men you matured overly aggressive bitches....
Mutha Fucking Snakes being exposed to Mutha Fucking minors. Best premier party since 1990, the marathon of Back to the Future that led to part 3 at midnight. Thanks MOM.......so at 11:59 pm OPENING NIGHT OF SNAKES ON A PLANE Me and my boys decide to throw a big ass party at the Aliso theaters.
Bring your own booze, rubber snakes, beach balls, forget your clothes at home and even invite the cops. We actually didn't invite them, the theater's management did but was it cause Samuel L. Jackson does a better job at protecting us then they do and the cops were just jealous, or was it cause our sexy poses?....
A even bigger and better Wild Rivers Party ....a second anal party. If you guys missed it I'll be sending you one of the used tampons, that I collected, on the bottom of the Lazy River.
It took 30 min. for Irvine PD to show up.....where the fuck were you guys 25 minutes ago?
The rides were fun.... but so 1994....
Photography in pitch black darkness is still always fun.
I love hanging out with Mexicans. They get all drunk and start making fun of everything around, including each other and the motherfuckers can't stop laughing. If you weren't so worried about them being illegal and stopped sometime to say hi, you'd realize how funny these sons of bitches really are.
Advertisements in Germany. I saw titties on a billboard and it had to do with Colgate.
I enjoyed some German art....
In Germany, stealing bikes is as easy as it is in Newport Beach. And it's even easier riding them through fast food joints at 2 am.
I also love meeting people on Myspace, picnics, grocery shopping, baths with G.I. Joes and hanging out at the mall and stuff .
Checking my car's oil.
When bored, I decorate unconsious people asses into hamburgers. Kinda like a interior designer, except I'm retarded.
I'd like to give apologies to anyone, about X-Mas, who's carpet I might of spilled a bit of egg nog joy on, people I might of bumped into, the party's I was late to, the people names I might of forgotten..........oh and I don't want to forget to apologize to the people I urinated on, windows I might of broke, girls I might of poored drinks on, people I might of bled on and people I might of pushed out of the way, while they were posing for pictures, to go and knock the tree down and started fucking it like I meat stab your 16 year old sister.
...uh, chicks with dicks...I guess...
Volleyball and boogie boarding.
Plumbing....
Passing out, getting drawn all over and getting Tang dumped on my spank.
.....you know just working out.
Photography in pitch black places....like in places where your friends don't know your in the room. I'm like the concept of NOT using a condom.....you think your safe but you regret it later.
Breaking things that aren't mine ....like your little sister's "V" card. I jumped on this sweet ride, also known as a floor waxer, got thrown off into a filing cabinet then ran from security at Mandalay Bay. Thanks Mr. Craft (Joey's dad) for destracting security.
A few cocktails then a friendly food fight and marker war at a "little" get together. P.S. Thanks Kamari and Lindsey.
Wee pee pees and Pee Wees.......wierd?
Hanging out with the homeless, buying them some booze, hearing them convince me they're straight but they'll suck dick for rock, then falling in love with the homeless bastards.
I like hanging out with my friends....or watching them hang......what ever comes first.
IS THIS NORMAL?????
Let's talk about people
I DON'T WANT TO MEET!!!!!:
-I hate Oprah. She's got so much money that she's letting people know by buying islands and shit. So I'm traveling, to those islands, and spreading my spores to contaminate her citizens and her precious islands with my dirty brown kids.
-Gangsters in Rancho Santa Margarita.
-Don't ever lie to me. I will find out you lied to me then lead our friendship/relationship on so that I can hurt you real bad at the end just like you hurt me.
-Animal abuse combined with second hand smoke and drinking
-It grosses me out when you talk about anal with your chick. I've heard some nasty stories and that hole was intended for one use only so....let me eat my Mcfish sandwich in peace!
-The Boogie, Anahiem Orange County, was fun in 1998 guys.....let's move on.
-Bitches that poor drinks on people for calling them kunts.....I was joking around.....and drunk
-Do you kinda really know what the Iron Cross has represented in the past or do you think it just looks cool tattooed on your leg or stickered to your lifted truck Hitler?
-Don't try to make me feel sorry for you especially girls that do the sad bottom puppy lip to look cute, like at the fair cause you can't win them a stuffed animal. I'll eventually win one for you when I want to, but then I'll poor beer all over it, stab it and fuck in front of little kids. I might give you a little sympathy if that pitbull starts swollowing the flesh, of the leg, he just tore off your body.
-If you can't support or make a kid happy then practice birth control. If you are a single parent and go out too much and leave your kid at your parents your child will end up 100x worse then you. Think about it and focus on them or do them a favor and ditch em at a mall cause the lost and found will raise them better then you......
......and lost and found probably won't do drinking games with those little ones too.
-Sweet tattoo of the butterfly/star/Caddilac symbol/ flames, bro. Did you go and get it with all your friends who already have one? When you got there did they all point at tattoo number 343 on the wall and say "that whould look sweet bro, you can look like all of us now."
-Do you know the meaning of the Confederate Flag, Clive?
-Yeah bro sweet mosh pit moves. You got so sweaty you had to go and take your shirt off and mosh in your wife beater bro. Bet you can't wait to get to the car and call all your buddies and tell them what a sweet mosher you are brosif.
-Don't want to hear you chew your gum.
-You're on the "list"?......cool so stand in line for me to step on your face.
-Ahhhhhh, a personalized liscence plate.
-You're fat!!! So quit thinking you're buff , tough guy.
-Over protective and jealous people. They made it this far in life so I think they'll be okay and don't really need you to stick up for them Biff.
-If you're in high school and all you talk about is fighting and how you can "box", your just asking for it, and it will happen and I hope after the guy knocks you out he touches you in front of your grandparents.
-Don't fuck with me when I'm sleeping.....I always get even.
If you have pictures of yourself on myspace flexing under some sort of light overhead, there's probably a old man (we won't say it's you dad) jerking off to those pictures. Look at Ponch and Jon below. Typical homos
-If you drive a mustang.....that sucks. If you drive a mustang with one of those graduation tassels, and you graduated 4 years ago....that really sucks....loser! I'll see you at the Del Taco I hung out at, 8 years ago, with all those high schoolers, fag.
-If your mom or dad live in Coto De Caza and have one of those liscence plate holders that say "Coto, no other place like it," I hope they stall in front of a train.
-Use your signal when cutting me off and don't flick your ciggerette out the window when your forgetting to signal.
-If you leave a comment on a girl's comment list saying "Thanks for the add, you're hot, can't wait to get to know you cutie".........your parents must of tried to abort you at least twice.
-If you smile too much because people tell you you have a nice smile and you think your're cute when you smile, I hope you bite into the curb sometime.
Nice fake tan. You want your speedo back Gerrard?
-If you go out during the day, with "your boys", to the mall all dressed up to meet girls, your an idiot Ameed Ishkar.
-Don't ever wink at me.
-If you do the fist to fist "hello' at the gym or some sporting event, your dick's small. If you do that and you're 40 plus of age, you have no dick.
-Don't tell me you hate cops cause it's "cool" to hate cops. Tell me some good story as to why you hate them like they forced you to watch your grandmother get battered with their penises across her face or they stole your little brother's last Squeeze-It.
-Why do all you 909er's look the same, then move to Huntington Beach? The (951) isn't fooling us either.......
-Hanging out at a 21 AND UNDER club is cool when you're not 21 yet. But what the hell are all you 23 and overs looking for when you go there? Just let the little girls get to their mother's, in the white Dodge Caravans outside waiting for them, safetly. And I don't care if the kid has been on Kids Incoorperated and his name is Aaron Carter, let him go!
-If you aren't handicap then don't park there using your grandmothers tag. You're fucking lucky that you can walk dick. There's people out there that would do anything to walk normal again so park in the back and be thankful for what you have.
- If you're one of those guys that goes up to the bar and says "yeah and make mine strong".....your chest hair is popping out of your collared shirt El Cheapo.
-You're on actor/actress/model.......fucking cool, so where you waitress while you wait to make it big?
-Does your mother pluck your eyebrows cause she wants the daughter she never had bro?
-I've seen enough pictures of you flipping the camera off and sticking your tongue out. It's really not cute.
-Not every person that is brown is a Mexican. Try using the word Hispanic. It'll prevent your food getting spit on, your car getting fucked up at the mechanics, and your wife getting raped. They're people to. And when you talk to one you don't have to talk to them like they're retarded and def.
-Yeah I already know I'm fucking rad so if you see me out on the street and recognize me from Myspace it be best you run from me. Just leave a note on my car telling me how cool I am and how neato it was seeing me and we'll talk about it, on Myspace, how awesome it was to be at the same place at the same time. If you come up to me chances are the way are lives were suppose to be will get all fucked up and mis-timed because those couple seconds you took out of your routine. You'll go home and masterbate 2 minutes later then normal, BUT get caught by your mom. The UPS guy will come a minute later the next day and run your dog over that wouldn't of been in the street a minute ago. A fat suicidal man will jump off a bridge onto your car on a freeway when you would of been a mile further.....all just cause you stopped and talked to me. You won't die the way you should all cause you messed up the clock in your life to say hi to me, so...... keep walkin cause you might fall in love.
-If you drive a nice car, live in a big house, and have expensive clothes it doesn't make you a better person then me. There's a good chance I have more money then you do. Some people like to live comfortably. So don't brag about all the shit you got for X-mas or I'll come over drunk, push your tree over and do a cannon ball into your presents...and/or your mom's breasts.
-If you complain where you live cause how the people act just shut the fuck up. We live in one of the best places in the world. At least you don't look at the window to see your siblings run from tanks and soldier's bullets.
-If you tell everyone about your problems (family especially) cause you need sympathy, just shut up and learn to deal with them cause what I've learned is a lot of people don't care cause a majority of you, with the problems, would never stop and listen to anyone else.
-How many more times are you going to tell me your fat? Do something about it. Ordering 2 double doubles w/ fries and a FUCKING DIET COKE isn't going to help. Go for a jog. Or tell you what, I'll knock your complaining fat ass down and go jog for you.
-You go out of your way to laugh at some southerner with a mullet, but look at all of us. We all have fucked up hairstyles. Mine looks like a animal died on my head. And girls with the extenions, stop pointing and laughing at those mullets. At least they can get it wet. Now lesbians with mullets.....that's funny.
-Put your Puka-Shell neckalce back in the ocean where it belongs.
-Don't look at yourself to long in the mirror cause you still look the same as you did one day ago. Especially at the gym. Your muscles don't grow by the second. And please don't ever lift your shirt up to look at your stomach. Congrats, your really really skinny and can see your tiny little stomach muscles fag. Hey I heard they're looking for some guys with six packs for Next....you vagina!
- Settle down man. That guy just accidently tripped over that rock and slipped his dick in your girlfriend.
-Any guy that enters a hard body concert like in Mexico. If your fat and you do it for a laugh, now that's awesome.
-Don't talk to me like you know everything cause I've seen it all including your mom's ugly kunt.
-So you don't like colored people that sucks but....as much as I hate to say it we live in a free country where you can express yourself, but why do you have to be so mad about it?
-You have "connections" .....fucking cool Fabio. I don't care if it's with clubs, clothes, the mafia, blah blah blah. If you really think about it it's not hard to get connections. It's all about 6 Degrees bitch...Kevin Bacon style.
- It's cool if you wear a sweat band around your forearm. I understand you got your style but then don't go laughing and talking shit on some black guy for walking around with a white towel like at a club or something. Both of you are going for style points or either it's to wipe your exercise equipment down, I don't know.
-You wear stuff that says something about porns star or ultimate fighting but do you do either? Prove it to me. I want to see slap marks and a bleeding ass.
-HEY LOUD TALKER ON THE CELL PHONE, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TONIGHT....so can you turn it down a scoach?
-Hey buff guy no reason to wear a rash guard out.....oh that's your shirt.
-What's up with flames everywhere like on your car, on your clothes, on your furniture, or tatoo? Are you hoping for a hot firefighter to come put them out homo?
-Don't sit at my Black Jack table if you don't know how to play. I will follow you out to the parking lot and take the money from your wallet that you lost me.
-Don't scream that loud at a sporting event cause everyone else is. Do you even know what's going on?
........um.......Ladies......FUCKING TRIM THE BUSH!!!
- I don't want to see your chest pretty boy so try buttoning up some of those buttons up. It's called a collared shirt for a reason, not a fucking bathrobe.
-If I have a girlfriend and you know she has a boyfriend then don't try flirting with her. I'll start fucking your mom.
-Did you just disrespect my mom?
-The oldest son on Home Improvement.
-That little fag Jamie(the son) on Small Wonder.
-Security guards who are usually former marines. You're not at war anymore, your a fucking security guard at Triangle Square (outside of Sutra) so settle the fuck down.
-If your a girl that walks around like a model(at a grocery store ect.,) I hope you fall on your fat ass. And don't ever.....EVER push me out of the way at a club or bar or you'll be wearing my drink kunt.
-You were on reality t.v. .....WOW. I was once in the backround of a news report of a McDonals burning down.
-Don't end your name with a y or ie if not necessary cute guy.
-If your going to litter don't do it in front of everyone like throwing it out your window in traffic, badass! You're such a fucking rebel. And everytime you litter you kill a dolphin.......or possum and frog.......and rat?
Hulk's daughter has a tremendouse voice, she's 7 feet tall, has hands and an adams apple bigger then mine and I think a bigger dick.
Tyrese?.....No. But Tyson could get away with raping a white chick and blame it on Tyrese.
LOVE THE MOVIE AMERICAN PSYCHO.
After dates I usually wake up the next morning in the middle of the desert on a abandoned road, with my wallet gone, no clothes, a soar asshole, a new tattoo of my mother sitting on the toilet and no memory of what happened the night before.
My brown skin and white features will let me get away with saying anything I want without insulting you but more, confusing you.
We go to Baskin Robbins a lot and eat the deliciouse Blueberry Surprise.......one cup, four spoons please. Weeeeee!
My most favorite book store in the world.......no words, just an immediate smell of fish, like a date with your sister..
Remember when we were in Jr. High and High school and there was always the funny guy that wrote in your yearbook binding "does it tickle when I write in your crack?".......HA HA.....not funny dead bitch.
Is there any super hero that has ever popped a 2 foot kid out of their cunt.....nope. That is why my mom is sweeeeet. She's also from the deep jungles of Peru. She's not scared to cut you a piece of fruit and share and she's also not scared to carve the word "bitch" on your forehead.
On Thanksgiving we go out and give thanks to white people for making us poor....
I'm working out at taking over the Queen's reign......
What super hero could go face first into a lava rock with a 150 pound guy on his shoulders, get up and laugh about it? My rapid recovery was do to alcohol (Read my Blogs for full story with pics)
Can't forget Joey Craft's dad. Drinking Crown out of the bottle, taking our clothes off, then running from security in Las Vegas.....a God!
1st ANAL Wild Rivers Party 2005.