Seize My Balls - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I adopted an angry Emo smiting, homo bashing, idiot killing lil' viking fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray for my god damned fetus!
My old lady said I should put something positive here. Here is my positivity. I love you babe. I also love cake, pie, and cookies. Music is also very exelent. I enjoy fire, creating fire, and watching fire burn stuff to ash. I also drive Radio Controled vehicles, everything from Crawlers, to buggies, nitro, and electric. The other thing that is fantastical is my Old Lady, she is awesome, and I love her to death. Love you Courtney.
I'm getting tired of these pompous assholes that feel that I am beneath them. You retards come to me looking for some "to die for" item for your office and decide to treat me like shit because I don't sit behind a desk playing with my self all day like you do. Sorry, I don't mean to make your arrogant ass actually have to move.
Honestly I don't give a flying fuck what car you drive either. So, don't ask me some painfully obvious question about fitting a chair in your Porsche. If you do decide that it is in your best interest to ask, I am extremely sorry about dropping my keys down the side of the door and trying to catch them with my steel toed shoes.
So, if you fucking morons keep treating me like some little peon and trying to crush me under your thumb I'm going to go fucking ape shit. You need to take a step back and look at yourself and ask, "Will this big angry fucker stomp me if I keep taunting him?" You would be astonished to know that most of us "peons" that work in retail actually are far more brilliant, talented, and forgiving than you may guess.
What most of you idiots don't get is we spend all day getting treated like shit so you can feel like you have a huge dick and some power in your life. In reality we are the ones that get fed up and bang your wife because your head is stuck so far up your own ass you can't see daylight anymore, and someone needs to please your old lady because your excuse of a pair of balls isn't cutting it.
For all of you desk jockeys that think I don't work hard, your delusional. I put more into work a day than you asshats put in to work in a whole week.
I am hands down the most hateful and non understanding person you will ever meet. I have no tolerance for most people, things, and objects.
I hope you die,
Ben,
Donations are being accepted for the "Get me the fuck away from people" fund. Please send me money you ungrateful bastards. .. MySpace Profile Help!

My Interests

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I'd like to meet:

Ok, I've spent some time thinking about this and I think I've narrowed down the Staples totem pole, and what your job title means.
Sales Associate - Peon, The lowest man on the totem pole. These guys bust their ass for pennies, and go far above the call of duty with no reimbursement. They are the ones that also catch the full wrath of everything. In the shit rolls down hill theory, these poor saps are at the bottom. If it wasn't for these guys who stay with the company for some stupid reason, the company wouldn't be shit.
Department Specialist - Fancy name for a sales associate, no added leadership ability due to the total lack of support from the management staff.What drives these guys? no one really knows. Department Specialists are considered the department head, supervisor if you will. As a specialist you will catch all the hell for your department looking like hell, terrible sales, lazy sales associates, but you are not granted any power to fix it. You also get the biggest fucking of all the associates, the most is expected of you, with no real reimbursement for going outside your job description to help. Although you would like to think better of yourself, you are just a worthless peon, and will be treated as such. Not only by management, but by our loyal customers.
Key Holding associate/Department specialist - The biggest hoax next to Roswell. By accepting this job you are just asking to get your asshole reamed out pretty good. You have every bit of responsibility of a manager, with zero power, zero preparation, and ZERO reimbursement for the HUGE responsibility you have taken. This is the stores way of having extra managers with out paying them. This job includes all the short comings of a standard associate or specialist, with even more bullshit thrown on top, its like a layer cake, with an extra layer of poop.
Assistant Manager - First in the line of god like rulers of our stores, they are above all law governing associates. Enough said.
General Manager - The head godlike ruler of a store, although some can be seen reasonably often lurking around the sales floor, more than likely you will find them in a giant guarded room called the "Managers Office". I'm not sure what they manage in that office, but they sure manage to piss off everyone below them. Some of these rulers do come out to offer guidance to the peons below them. This advice and guidance is often spoken in the language of bitch, moan, and complain. Not all General Managers are douche bags, but it seems to be part of the requirements to be one, and more often than not they are.
District Manager - The governing figure to all management on a multi-store level. Little is known about this elusive person, although he is a frequent visitor to some locations, their tongue in cheek compliments come back in form of "email" to tell the real opinions of the store.
Now, a little about my background with Staples.
Most of you know me, know about me, and how I feel about it. What you may not know is, as much as the place pisses me off to the point of homicidal dreams, it is by far the best job I've had. I would probably piss and bitch about any job, but since I have decide to make myself a fixture at my store by not going anywhere or aspiring to be anything I'll bitch about it.
If any of you would like to add anything to this, please feel free to send a comment or private message to me telling me what I missed.

Music:

Various, mostly metal. Anything that startles brain function. Here lately, a lot of stuff involving Mike Watt.

Movies:

The Big Lebowski

Television:

I own one

Books:

Dr. Seuss

Heroes:

My Grandpa, greatest man I've ever known

My Blog

Motorola sucks dick, period.

As some of you may be aware I have been fighting a losing battle finding a Motorola Q that is worth a shit. Well you may be surprised to know that it was a losing battle that resulted in a switch to a...
Posted by Seize My Balls on Wed, 13 Feb 2008 02:13:00 PST

Weed and You

First, let me start by saying there needs to be more choices under catagory for these damned blog things. So, you think you are mature enough to smoke weed. Think again. If you are actually thinking a...
Posted by Seize My Balls on Tue, 17 Jul 2007 11:40:00 PST

Everybody Loves a Thug

So, what the fuck is the deal with these vaginas? I went up to the gas station to get gas tonight so I didn't have to do it in the morning and there is a whole pack of "thugs" hanging out by the front...
Posted by Seize My Balls on Tue, 17 Jul 2007 09:59:00 PST

Scientology and you

You have to be a total moron, or completely dimwitted to actually believe in this bullshit. You idiots think that a book written by a FICTION novelist is law? The fact that Tom Cruiz believes this sho...
Posted by Seize My Balls on Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:51:00 PST

Straight Edge

As defined by Wikipedia Straight edge (also known as sXe, and xXx) refers to a lifestyle, a personal commitment, a philosophy, and a subculture that is closely associated with the 1980s brand of hardc...
Posted by Seize My Balls on Thu, 31 May 2007 02:52:00 PST

Regurgitations from my mind about Emo kids

Emo kids have to be some of the most dim-witted fools on the planet today. Believe it or not, we just don't give a rats ass about you or your misguided life. Its not that we don't understand, we...
Posted by Seize My Balls on Thu, 31 May 2007 02:13:00 PST