AnJi

My Nemesis You know that saying, 'One door closes, another opens?' I have realized that this little quote is quite true.I woke up this morning, brushed my teeth and began cleaning my lopsided house. This has become my daily and rather boring routine - walking back and forth upon old rickety wooden floors in a house that I am certain to be haunted. All of this sudden free time leaves me with too much time to think, which is strangely dangerous these days. I have become paranoid with the nagging suspicion that I am the guinea pig in some secretive experiment. You don't hear that Twilight Zone music playing in the background??Didn't think so......I met him two years ago in a little hole in the wall joint. Everyone was quiet - keeping to themselves and I could not help but to stare at him - breathe him in for he was strikingly handsome - personality bold. I bought him a drink and had it delivered through the curious, narrow minded waitress who frowned at me as if I were inviting him to join an evil satanic cult. An advance like this was not common behavior for me and I looked up at the ceiling and sighed - cringing in imminent rejection...And then all hell broke loose.....No, now don't go visualizing barstools being tossed about, swinging chandeliers and flying beer bottles in the midst of some bar room brawl. Ah, I see you are possibly entertaining the visual of rancid, hot sex in the bathroom stall? No, though I agree that this would've been my ideal night, we innocently talked for awhile and then continued to talk every now and then.I don't know if everyone has ever had their heart stop the moment they see a particular person but my heart literally pounded so hard until my chest ached as he would drop in and say hello. Let me tell you - I dug this man so much that I ran like a cat being chased down for a flea bath - never to be seen again for months.Needless to say, we bumped into each other again. We became fast friends and this time I did not chicken out. Instead, I tried (very hard) to play it cool when we met and talked about common interests and laughed like old buddies. Then those icky-mushy feelings began to arise and I was frantically kicking them back down - to no avail.There were times when we were close, wickedly dirty and so very far apart. The fickle temperament of this relationship drove me to the brink of madness as I would play hard to get and then later find myself on my knees, begging (pleading) for him to stay. Love me, take me, ravish me....Yeah, I was pathetic - hopelessly dying, eager to make him MINE as I saw his girlfriend and felt a fever of raw jealousy take hostage of my controlled mind, body and soul.Where in the hell did I go?? Oh, hell no!! That is not my ego, self respect and dignity retreating to the other side of the fence?It became a sick, fun, sexually enticing-ill-feeling and demented game that he and I played and I loved every minute of it....That is, until I just settled with the notion that I could never EVER live happily WITHOUT this man...It was as if he was bred to be mine, molded-sculpted and made for me, and I tossed and turned night after night trying to revise a plan to make it happen.Then one day he vanished....His house was empty, truck gone....I cried for days that led into weeks, then months. I prayed to God to bring him back, wished on every orphan penny that I discovered, wrote a letter to Santa Clause and even pondered on the thought of practicing witchcraft....Anything to bring him back so I could hear those words that always chilled me to the bone, smell his cologne, taste every inch of him.So, I was in the process of moving into this old creepy house and felt exhausted and defeated the day that our paths again crossed and I frantically searched for a fire extinguisher to snuff out the flame that would turn into a brazen, furious fire. I tried the whole game of playing it cool as we brushed shoulders in the bar. I wore every sexy outfit I could muster up, slid into the sexiest high heeled shoes and sprayed just enough perfume to drive him mad. The whole cat and mouse game began and my head was spinning, my body on fire, and my emotions were taking hold of the wheel. I started losing sleep but felt invincible because the exhaustion was unfelt beneath the rush. He was the drug and I needed a fix...Just one more hit!Yeah so, can you imagine how I felt when I discovered that he HAD to of been a distant relative of Houdini? His vanishing acts were becoming a normalcy. I would wait for him to come back, standing at the bar - sipping on my Bud Ice as I casually looked at the door in anticipation.Hope turned into despair, which erupted into caged fury. I despised him, hated his guts. I snickered at the fantasy of torturing his ass through evil acts that would make my heavenly ancestors turn in their graves. His excuses rang in my ears, twirling around like a kaleidoscope of brilliant colors, masterful lies.So, back to this morning...I dwell in my mourning of losing someone that I grew to love and then reach out to the one that I hate... I had tracked him down and contacted him the day before - leaving a pathetic, heartfelt message to please contact me. "I am lost and I NEED you," I cried... And it was no lie because only two people have only affected me in such a way that leaves me feeling like a hungry, rabid beast. This is my out of control heart; unyielding, unconditional, too judge mental, hugely vulnerable and relentless because maybe in the end there are too many barriers...Let the walls crash down and FINALLY see what settles beneath the debris...I open the door and there he stood, no hate or disgust in his eyes...I choke as I stood motionless, fingertips shaking as I search for something soft in those green eyes. He steps in closer and I fall into his extended arms and crash there, unfold, feeling small but I see the light and as I sob uncontrollably and tell him everything about the other who has also broken my heart and I even throw blame his way. I melt against him and for the first time I know that we finally really see each other and we laugh and I feel this sudden overwhelming feeling of freedom, grounded - because the truth is upon the table and he is still sitting there, different and bigger than ever as he pulls me onto his lap and holds me....I once referred to him as my Torturer, killer of my heart, weakening of my soul. Today he is my friend, someone that I know that I have always loved and also a man that I really can not live (too long) without... My Nemesis....And as I watch him in silent mirth, sustaining the urge to surrender completely, lose myself in the moment - I realize that maybe not all the orphan pennies could possibly make him stay forever - but today - hey, that's okay... A little about me....?? I am an average chic who loves hillbilly redneck bars, funny, loveable people and iced-tea...My biggest passion (other than Chris and the kids) is writing. I am currently writing on my Vampire book, Crimson. If you enjoy reading, you can catch the rough draft sometime in my blog upstairs... Word to you PERVS that have nothing better to do than to pester women in here about their panties and God only knows what else...I am fully aware that there are plenty of slutty, moral-less women lurking around in this joint but I've got a little secret for ya...C'mon - come closer so that you are sure to hear me correctly: I AM NOT ONE OF THEM! You have two choices...tip toe your raunchy-scrawny little (or big) ass down the hall to the sluts corner or perhaps you just need to stick with your little magazines and keep your VASELINE very close at hand....No - not hands - I'm sure it doesn't require TWO...
..I edited my profile with Thomas' Myspace Editor V4.4