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Welcome to the new Greek Language & Culture for Beginners course - I'm sure you'll find it an enormously enriching experience.
The first thing you need to learn is your name. Many people in the world have greek names, and there is no need for all of you to feel left out.
All you have to do is check whether you are male or female. To check this, look at the sign on the door to the toilet that you use on weekdays. If it says gents, or has a picture of a man with two legs, you are male. If it says ladies, or has a picture of a man with one leg, you are female. If you are male, add 'opoulos' or 'idis' to your surname - the choice is yours. So, we have:
Johnsonopoulos - Johnsonidis, Daviesopoulos - Daviesidis, Toddopoulos - Toddidis, Graceopoulos - Graceidis, and Singhopoulos - Singhidis.
If you checked and you turned out to be female, your name should end in 'opoulou' (with the stress on the first ou ) or 'idou'. Thus, we have:
Nansonopoulou - Nansonidou
Now that you have a name, you are ready to learn some greek. Recent expensive studies by the Department of Wasting Public Money & Pointless Degrees at the University of The Bloody Obvious discovered that the most common questions (totaling 51% of all practical questions posed) are these ones below*. It stands to reason that if we understand these questions, we understand 51% of The Greek Language.
1. 'THELIS SAK'OULA? which means, "Do you want a plastic bag?"
If you want a plastic bag, say NE(the e is as in egg). You can also nod your head forwards. If you don't want a plastic bag, say OCHI (the ch is pronounced like a clearing of the throat). The gesture for this is to nod your head backwards (the emphatic form includes a tut).
2. YIA'TI THEN 'THELIS SAK'OULA? "Why don't you want a plastic bag?"
The answer to this question is simple. We use another gesture. Just roll your eyes and walk away. In later lessons we will learn about other common, albeit more complicated, gestures such as the infamous mountza and, of course, the flying death-kick.
*Those in relationships with greek people will (usually in the middle of the night) also be asked KI'MASE? which means "Are you asleep?"
The traditional answer to this question is "THELIS SAK'OULA?" "Do you want a plastic bag (over your head)?"
Lesson Two in the series will offer the gift of melancholy, or melangchol'ia. Melancholy, even today, is the biggest killer of greek people, accounting for 97% of all deaths.
Lesson 2: Melancholy - Melangchol'ia
Melancholy is a popular hobby/extreme sport enjoyed by millions of Greek people around the world, which, through the miracles of Equal Opportunity (Valuing Diversity), you too can enjoy.
Anyone, and I mean anyone, can do this - and it makes a well earned break from our relentlessly cheerful lives. It'll make you laugh; it'll make you cry; it might even make your butt explode. All you need to do is:
- think of something that makes you feel empty and suicidal.
- listen to greek music, dance Zeibekika and drink Greece's secret national drink (Scotch Whiskey) - or, in the absence of greek music, to read these lovingly translated lyrics. In these, you can almost smell the madness.
Talk to the Moon, talk to the Agony Mirror, you could even remove troublesome body-parts.
These are real lyrics from real songs - but they are just songs. Please don't attempt any of the actions in song 4 without parental supervision, a large rolling-pin and a sharp pair of scissors.
1. Moon...
Tell me, Moon, as the nights pass,
If he looks at you with another in his arms.
Tell the truth tonight - don't feel sorry for me.
Tell me, Moon - only you can.
Moon, search for him and find him,
And tell him I can't stand it and won't live.
Moon, show him the way to come back to me.
But, if he refuses don't let the day dawn and let the night take me.
We'll leave together before the dawn,
And I'll watch him from above like the moon.
Tell me, Moon, what you see.
What caress and what kiss keeps him company?
Tell the truth tonight - however much it hurts.
Tell me, Moon, whose heart travels with him.
What should I do with my life, my sweet breath?
He's the reason I breathe.
What should I do with my life now we're not together?
I'm dying.
Artist: Natassa Theodoridou Music/Lyrics: Giorgos Theofanous
2. Ten Days and Ten Nights
Ten days and ten nights I didn't sleep.
Alone, I talked to myself and thought,
Why am I going through this?
Why haven't I got over you?
Ten days and ten nights I looked in the mirror,
And wallowed in self-pity.
I asked how I'd been reduced to this.
And suddenly one evening it answered...
It's reasonable to go over mistakes again when you love.
Even though you see them you still fall again and hurt again.
That's the way it is - don't get bothered,
Don't worry and stop thinking about it.
You're neither the first, nor the last who loved.
Artist: Despina Vandi Music/Lyrics: Foivos
3. All Lead To You
I search for images in my mind,
My every thought fades and falls into the void.
Your smile is far away,
I try to 'touch' you one more time.
In the wreckage of my life,
The pieces of my soul fall one by one,
And they all lead to you.
In the darkness I stay alone and weep.
I smell your fragrance one more time.
It's getting light, it's morning.
My life has ended, I love you very much.
Artist: Despina Vandi Music/Lyrics: Foivos
And the Most Disturbed Person in the Universe is... Anna Vissi with...
4. This Time
This time, I won't make the same mistake; let me die if I do.
This time, I swear, you won't exist in my life.
This time, I'll break my fingers so as not to call you again.
This time, I'll tear my tongue out so as not to talk to you again.
This time, I'll break my legs so as not to go back to you.
This time, I'll break my heart so as not to love again.
This time, I'll burn my body so as not to touch you again.
This time, I'll put my eyes out so as not to look at you again.
Artist: Anna Vissi Music/Lyrics: Nikos Karvelas
If you think you can better Anna Vissi's effort, please tell me all about it.
Lesson 3: Food & Drink
Today's lesson is arguably the most important of all and arguably the most confusing. The confusion doesn't stop when you eventually learn the difference between FOOD (FAGHI'TO) and DRINK (PO'TO).
People frequently say to me that they feel disillusioned by the enormity of the task of learning Greek and tell me that differentiating between a KNIFE (MA'HAIRI), FORK (PIR'OUNI) and SPOON (KOUT'ALI) is just too much.
The answer is easier than one might imagine. In response to the tiresomely repetetive nature of this question, I devised a simple test. First you thrust the piece of cutlery into the fleshy part of your palm. Now, look at your palm. If there are four holes it is a PIR'OUNI. If there is one hole it is a MA'HAIRI and if there are no holes it is a KOUT'ALI... or a plate. If it turns out to be a plate, well done, move on to the advanced class and learn the difference between cuttlery and crockery.
Now, on to the FOOD (can you remember the word?). For this example we will use something simple - a WATERMELON
(KAR'POUZI). In the example we will be ordering for one person of average build and constitution - so we will need at least two. Having said that, we don't want our intrepid hero getting hungry - so we'd best have him order three.
Waiter: 'ISTE 'ETIMOS NA PARANGEL'ITE? Are you ready to order?
Man: THA 'ITHELA TRIA KAR'POUZIA. I would like 3 (three) watermelons.
Waiter: 'THELIS SAK'OULA? Do you want a plastic bag?
Man: NE
Waiter: O'RISTE! KA'LI 'OREXI! Here you are! Bon appetit!
Man: SEFHARIS'TO. Thank you.
Now that our man in Greece has sated his appetite, he now needs to slake his thirst. His first problem (which was alluded to at the start of the lesson) is to be able to tell the difference between FAGHI'TO (which he's thoroughly sick of by now) and PO'TO (which he wants).
The scientific definition of drink is anything that can be drunk. For this reason ouzo, whiskey, gin and bleach are drinks - lamb, peas, shoes and salted slugs are not. In our example, our man will try Greece's national tipple - WHISKEY (OUISKI).
Waiter: 'ISTE 'ETIMOS NA PARANGEL'ITE? Are you ready to order?
Man: THA 'ITHELA ENA BOU'KALI OUISKI. I would like a bottle of whiskey.
Waiter: THELIS FIS'TIKIA? Do you want some nuts?
Man: NE Yes (remember not to expect the plastic bag question, or you could lose out on free nuts)
Waiter: O'RISTE! MIN PNIGESAI! Here you are! Don't choke!
Man: SEFHARIS'TO Thank you.
Now you know how to order FAGHI'TO and PO'TO, practise on your unsuspecting friends. You may be so convincing that they won't trust you, even when bearing gifts.
Lesson 4: How to Recognise Insults from Quite a Long Way Away
Every language in the world occupies a rung on the ladder of civilisation, which is determined by its breadth and depth of expression.
According to leading Oxbridge scholars, this means the more swearwords a language has, the bigger and cleverer it is to learn it. The biggest and cleverest language goes one step further every single word in the greek language sounds like an insult.
To illustrate the difficulty of knowing whether or not you are being insulted, here is a simple quiz. All you have to do is spot the insult:
Q1. One of the following is a tummy-banana:
a) FLI'TZANI
b) THAMNOS
c) POUTSOS
d) MEETI
The others are a teacup, a nose and a bush.
Q2. One of the following is a dunkin' donut:
a) MOU'NI
b) SEEKO
c) PA'POUS
d) MELI'TZANA
The others mean aubergine, fig, or grandfather.
Q3. The local orthodox priest swoops into the post office like Batman and pushes to the front of the queue. What do the others in the queue shout at him?
a) KAR'POUZI!
b) LOU'KANIKO!
c) POUSTI!
d) TAS'AKI!
Clue: One of the words means sausage, one means watermelon (Have you been paying attention?), one means ashtray, and the other one doesn't.
Q4. An inconsiderate elderly pedestrian runs into a BMW driver in the middle of a busy crossroads, stopping everyone going home for their lunchtime kip. 5 seconds later the queuing motorists are fuming and the local orthodox priest 'blesses' the soon to be a corpse's skull with an incense burner on a chain. Everyone toots their horns and screams
a) PRI'GKIPISA LIA!
b) VRE MALAKIZ'MENO!
c) SA'NIDA!
d) NOSO'KOMA!
Clue: One means floorboard, one means nurse, one means Princess Leah, and the other one doesnt.
Q5. Your next-door neighbour's cat (disguised, of course, as an orthodox priest) keeps launching commando raids on your binbags, giving your household waste and used toilet paper the freedom treatment. What do you call your neighbour?
a) BOUTI'A!
b) ODOND'OKREMA!
c) BAR'OUTI!
d) KOL'OPEDO!
Careful not to call him gunpowder, thighs or toothpaste.
Great! Hopefully, youve managed to pick 5 (five) letters, one from each question. To find out whether you have the answers right, you need to find the (very poorly) hidden answers.
Lesson 5: How To Not Get Things Done
This lesson should really be Lesson 1, but I've been putting it off for quite some time, so it has sauntered in at number 5. If you like, you can call it the first prequel, Episode 1, or even Work - The Phantom Menace. If you want to save your time and waste everyone else's, read on.
Before we actually start the lesson, I have to let you in on a little truth that the church would rather we didn't know - and I don't mean that if you sleep with your head under the pillow, the Tooth Fairy really will pull all of your teeth.
Since 3500 BC, around teatime, just after He'd knocked off and gone to the pub that He'd just created, a secret as ancient as the world itself has been kept... until it was discovered by a rather bored and over-paid Tom Hanks.
On the first day of creation, God created nothing and it was good.
On the second day of creation, God thought He'd fill the second day with goodness as well.
On the third day of creation, God thought about creating something but figured He still had plenty of time - more goodness.
On the fourth day, God stopped the pretence of calling them days of creation.
On the fifth day, God thought it was about time he did something.
On the sixth day, God thought about starting.
On the seventh day, in a mad sprint for the finish line God created all kinds of everything in one day. Snowdrops and daffodils, butterflies and bees, sailboats and fishermen, things of the sea, wishing-wells, wedding bells, seagulls and aeroplanes, things of the sky, winds that go howlin', breezes that sigh, city sights, neon lights, summertime, wintertime, spring and autumn too, Monday, Tuesday, every day, dances, romances, things of the night, sunshine and holidays, postcards to write, budding trees, autumn leaves, a snowflake or two and the bloody duck-billed platypus.
The truth is that we are only supposed to work one day in seven. For this reason, we need a way to ensure that other people's 'important' (ha!) requests don't encroach on our well-earned downtime. The only phrase you need to learn is - THA TO KANO 'AVRIO.
Roughly translated this means "I'll do it tomorrow" but can mean anything from "Even if you ask me tomorrow, I'm still not doing it" to "Your car will still be broken tomorrow."
Let's see if you've grasped this important lesson. Take a look at the following situations - how would you respond to each person?
1.Maria: O THERMO'SIFONAS STAZI. - The immersion heater is dripping.
2.Eleni: NOSO'KOMA! TO MO'RO STAZI! - Nurse! The baby is dripping!
3.Yannis: TO A'MAXI MOY STAZI. - My car is dripping.
4.Dimitris: I KATS'IKA MOY STAZI. - My goat is dripping.
5.Katerina: DIO KAR'POUZIA, SAS PARAKA'LO. - Two watermelons, please.
Those who were paying attention would know that the answer to number 5 is always THELIS SAKOULA? not THA TO KANO 'AVRIO.
But what if you actually want to get something done? Well, in lesson 6 we will learn all about bribery. Bring money...
Lesson 6: Bribery - DORODOK'IA
In today's lesson we will learn how to convince people to do anything or forget anything. It's amazing what a little 'LADOMA (oiling) can do.
Getting People to Do Things
This kind of bribery is like playing whist OUIST. The only difference is that we don't always know how many players are in the game.
There are 4 suites:
'HRIMATA - Money
PAID'AKIA MAI'MOUS - Monkey Chops (the ai as the ie in pie)
'HARES - Favours
HIRIN'ES BRIZ'OLES (OXI KATAPSYG'MENES) - Pork Chops (not frozen)
Pork Chops are AT'OU (trumps). Favours beat Monkey Chops, Monkey Chops beat Money.
In our example, three people need a plumber (YDRAVLIK'OS). All three have washing machines that have flooded the kitchen, causing dangerous pirates to congregate.
YDRAVLIKOS: 'SIMERA DEN BO'RO, THA TO KANO 'AVRIO. - Today I can't, I'll do it tomorrow.
Kostas opens the game:
KOSTAS: 'PARE ENA KI'LO PAIDAKIA MAIMOUS SAN 'LADOMA. - Take a kilo of monkey chops as a bribe.
Maria follows:
MARIA: 'ELA STIS TRIS KAI THA SOU KANO MIA "HARI". - Come at 3 o'clock and I will do you a "favour".
Eleni plays the killer card:
ELENI: DIO BRIZ'OLES KE 'OSES PAT'ATES BO'RIS NA FAS. THA SKASIS APO TO FAI! - Two pork chops and as many potatoes as you can eat. You'll burst from food!
YDRAVLIKOS: 'PAME! - Let's go!
Getting People to Forget Things
This kind of bribery is slightly different. The golden rule is that the TROHO'NOMOS (traffic policeman) is always right. O TROHO'NOMOS EHI PANDA 'DIKAIO.
In this example, he has stopped you for speeding at 160kph. Note how our hero avoids being shot and imprisoned, or imprisoned and shot. You too can avoid the nasty consequences of being shot and imprisoned, so long as you take care to follow this model.
TROHONOMOS: 'KSERIS OTI ETRE'HES? - Do you know that you were speeding?
ODI'GOS(Driver): SIG'NOMI, THEN TO 'IKSERA. - Sorry, I didn't know.
TROHONOMOS: A'PO POU 'ISE? - Where are you from?
ODI'GOS: TIN ANGL'IA. - England.
TROHONOMOS: 'ANGLOS 'ISE? DOS MOY TIN TAFTOTITA SOU. - You're English? Give me you ID card.
ODI'GOS: THEN 'EHO.- I don't have one.
TROHONOMOS: DIAVAT'IRIO? - Passport?
ODI'GOS: STO KSENODO'HIO 'INE. - It's at the hotel.
TROHONOMOS: STO KSENODO'HIO? POU 'MENIS? - At the hotel? Where are you staying?
ODI'GOS: HOTEL MARIA, OD'OS PSEFTIK'ON DIEFTHINSION. - Hotel Maria, Fake Street.
TROHONOMOS: 'NOUMERO? - Number?
ODI'GOS: EKAT'ON 'IKOSI TRIA. - 123.
TROHONOMOS: 'DIPLOMA 'EHIS? - Do you have a license?
ODI'GOS: 'OCHI 'VEVEA! HRE'AZOME? - Of course not! Do I need one?
TROHONOMOS: TELOS'PANDON, 'ISE 'VLAHAS! THA PLI'ROSIS 'ENA KI'LO 'DOPIES BRIZ'OLES KE DIO SOUVLAKIA. - Anyway, you're an idiot! You'll pay 1 kilo of local chops and 2 shish-kebabs.
ODI'GOS: 'THELIS SAK'OULA? - Do you want a plastic bag?
In the above example, the driver escaped a large fine and three months eating cockroaches and chips in prison.
In lesson 7 we will learn more about driving and road etiquette. Fasten your seatbelts.
Lesson 7: How To Be A Good Greek Driver
Before you can start driving in Greece you need to get a license. If you think that this is easy, you can think again - the driving test has been tightened up in recent years. Gone are the days when being sober enough to unlock the door (passenger or driver's side) was a national qualification.
The test comes in four parts: insurance, parking, interacting with other road users, and theory.
INSURANCE (ASF'ALIA) - Under greek law, all cars must be equiped with: icon of Saint Christopher (IK'ONA TOU AGIOU CHRISTOF'OROU), worry beads (KOMBOL'OI), pomegranite (RODI) and fire-extinguisher (PIROSVEST'IRAS). Failure to do this will get you a fine of 5kg pork chops (PENDE KI'LA HIRI'NES BRIZ'OLES) or six months in prison eating cockroaches and chips (EKSI 'MINES FILA'KI 'TROGONDAS KATSAR'IDES ME PAT'ATES).
PARKING ('STATHMEVSI) - the aim of greek parking is to clear a space big enough for your car to fit into. This is acheived by carefully crashing into and moving other vehicles to create a space big enough for your car. Once you get the hang of this, greek people will show their admiration by sounding their horns and shouting STAM'ATA VRE POUSTI! (Very) roughly translated, this means "Well done, you can stop now."
INTERACTING WITH OTHER ROAD USERS (VRISIES) - As everyone knows, when english drivers meet at the crossroads they take off their hats, say "How do you do?" talk about the weather and drink a cup of hot tea (not forgetting to pour the milk first and the tea second) before continuing on their way.
In Greece things are done a little differently. As you approach the crossroads
(DIA'STAVROSI) you must kiss you Icon of Saint Christopher, hit the horn to warn other drivers who might think they are more important than you, make the sign of the cross, close your eyes and hit the gas. One of four things can happen:
1. You die in a horrific accident - no action required: this is a good outcome if you are feeling particularly lazy.
2. You crash into the back of a driver who inconsiderately waited for a safe time to cross the junction. In this case you hit the horn again and shout, PERNA VRE MALAKA! This phrase means "Pass, you stupid w***er!"
3. Someone who doesn't realise how important you are crashes into the side of your car. In this case you shout, ELA VRE POUSTI! TIF'LOS EISAI?, which means "Come now you stupid p**f! Are you blind?"
4. You pass safely to the other side. Other drivers will show their admiration of your superior greek driving skills by hitting their horns.
THEORY (DORODOK'IA) - In theory, you have to pass your test to get your license - in reality those of you who are less patient (and or skilled) and want your licenses as quickly as possible can pay for them. The current rate according to the Athens money markets is 2kg pork chops.
Now that you have your license, you are ready to learn more about driving in Greece.
The roman poet Virgil gave this advice, which still holds true today:
FO'VOU TOUS ATHIN'AIOUS ST'AM'AXIA 'TREXONDAS - "Fear the Athenians speeding in cars."
It was only in 1974 that wheels with swords sticking out were outlawed and some strage laws still exist. Even nowadays it is illegal to stop at pedestrian crossings such as zebra crossings (For the greek readers out there, I mean those white lines on the road you're supposed to stop at). The origin of this law is in the belief that the zebra is an unlucky animal - anyone who has given a zebra as a pet to a lion will understand this. Other quirks of greek roads are due to geographical reasons.
Greece is 80% mountain and because of this there are a lot of winding mountain roads, so a steering wheel is a must. In fact, if all the roads in Greece were stretched out they would reach the moon and back 5 times. It has been calculated that it would take 10,000,000,000kg of pork products to persuade someone to fill the 6 billion cracks and holes in Greece's roads.
Instead of repairing these holes, in 1974 the goverment introduced the minimum speed limit to ensure that all cars could jump over the holes in the roads rather than falling into the depths of Hades. Anyone intentionally driving below the minimum speed is forced by the traffic police to eat 5 penalty watermelons (KAR'POUZIA).
There are many accident blackspots in Greece, where accidents happen on a frequent basis. Scientists at the University of Athens are unable to explain why accidents keep happening in the same locations but they do hand out the following advice:
When approaching an accident blackspot (usually a tight turn in the road) you will see a roadside shrine. On seeing this, stay calm, kiss your icon of Saint Christopher, take your hands from the steering wheel to make the sign of the cross, put your hands to pray and then put your hands back on the steering wheel.
This lesson was brought to you with the assistance of the Greek Ministry of Transport, who wish you all a very lucky stay in Greece.
Lesson 8: Going out
For english people in Greece, going out can be a real minefield. People ask me all kinds of questions - Howwill I know if something is edible? What about table etiquette? Which table am I supposed to dance on?
Not having ever seen food before, most english people find it difficult to decide what is edible. Knowingwhether something is edible or not comes from experience. If you eat something and any of the followinghappen:
*You die
*You are violently sick
*You hear a crunching noise followed by intense pain in the teeth
*People start laughing and pointing
*Somebody calls the police
you know that you have made the wrong choice.
The most common mistake is not being able to tell the difference between lamb and dog. In fact, every Easterthousands of greek students are arrested in England because their neighbours wrongly thought that greek studentsroast dog on a spit.
The easiest, not to mention least embarrassing, way of finding out isquite simply to ask about anything that you aren't sure about.
John and Helen go to a taverna...
TI 'PSINETE? SKYLO? - What are you roasting? Dog?
OXI, DEN EHOUME SKYLO, AGGLI ISTE? - No, we don't have dog, are you english?
NAI, TI INE AF'TO? - Yes(,we are). What's that?
AR'NI INE.- It's lamb.
A! KA'LO MYR'IZI! - Ah, it smells good.
TI THA PIITE? ASPRO I 'KOKKINO? - What will you drink? White or red?
NEFTI. - Turpentine.
As for table etiquette, animals were given bones for a reason. The bones are in fact easy to use handles - aknife and fork are never used for eating your own food. The knife and fork are used for eating food from otherpeople's plates. You should also have a long knife and fork for sampling food from neighbouring tables.
Helen leans over to the next table...
SIG'NOMI, TI TRO'TE ESIS? - Excuse me, what are you eating?
KATSI'KAKI KOKKINIS'TO. - Goat kokkinisto.
INE KA'LO? - Is it good?
NAI, MIA HA'RA INE. - Yes, it's fine.
KA'LO MYR'IZI, BOR'OUME NA DOKI'MASOUME? - It smells good, can we try it?
'VEVEA. - Of course.
Helen takes her long fork and takes some food from the neighbouring table.
EFHARIST'OUME! - (We) thank you!
PARAKA'LO. - You're welcome.
Note: In fish restaurants, customers are provided with miniature fishing rods to take food from neighbouringtables.
Once you've had your lamb and a couple of bottles of your favourite drink, you will probably be either spoilingfor a fight or wanting to dance on the table. In the heat of the moment it is all too easy for you to dance onsomeone else's table or someone from another table to dance on yours. For this reason the following dialogue isworth learning.
ELA MO'RE! HO'REVIS PANO ST'AR'NI MOY! - Hey, you're dancing on my lamb!
SIG'NOMI, SINGHORE'SEME! - Sorry,forgive me!
The phrase "You are dancing on my lamb!" can be replaced by a number of alternatives:
ELA MO'RE! HO'REVIS PANO STON ANDRA MOY! - Hey, you're dancing on my man!
ELA MO'RE! HO'REVIS PANO STI YI'NEKA MOY! - Hey, you're dancing on my wife!
ELA MO'RE! HO'REVIS PANO STO PSARI MOY! - Hey, you're dancing on my fish!
In each case the response is: SIG'NOMI, SINGHORE'SEME! - Sorry,forgive me!
In lesson 9, we will learn about relationships - SXESIS.
