Andrew Jackson

Hello, I'm Andrew Jackson...and I am an absolute badass! I was president from 1829-1837, during which I killed the national bank (as you will soon see, I'm pretty good at killing stuff), vetoed more bills then all the other presidents before me combined, and expanded voting rights. I was born March 15, 1767, in the Waxhaw area on the border between North and South Carolina. I had a long and glorious military career, but my first engagement with the enemy came when I was just thirteen years of age. I was captured and imprisoned by the British, who treated me poorly and ultimately took the lives of all the members of my immediate family. I was eventually released and decided to "study" law. I use the term "study" loosely, as I spent most of my time breaking things and beating the living hell out of people. One time I even took it upon myself to invite a group of prostitutes to the local dancing school's Christmas party. (Yeah, I'm cool like that.) Also I enjoyed hiding outhouses in the wilderness. Later in life, I developed a great love of murdering people! (Wow! Neat, huh?) Despite my immature and downright psychotic shenanigans, I soon developed a distinguished career as a lawyer and moved to Tennessee, where I served in that state's Constitutional Convention, then in the House of Representatives, and later in the Senate. I grew weary of this life (mainly for it's lack of blood-thirsty killing) and took a job as an officer in the Tennessee state militia. While serving, I executed numerous men for disobeying orders and behaving mutinously (it was like the good ol' days all over again!). Soon the War of 1812 broke out and I saw a chance to get my revenge on the British. Yes, it's true, I just couldn't wait to whack a few of those red-coated tea-drinkers, and before long I got my chance when some pansy British general named Pakenham decided to try to take New Orleans from me. In typical British fashion, the enemy forces forgot to bring their ladders along, which were necessary for scaling the earthworks held by my men. As a result, they could do nothing but stand around in a wide open field while my forces casually slaughtered them. When all was said and done we had killed or wounded approximately 2700 British soldiers with a loss of only thirteen of my own men. This battle actually occurred after the treaty ending the war had been signed, but I was nevertheless dubbed a hero by the American people and it was this reputation that would eventually carry me into the White House. In 1824 I ran for president, but lost to that spoiled punk-ass brat John Quincy Adams thanks to a whole lot of shady backdoor dealings with bastard extraordinaire Henry Clay that eventually handed Adams the presidency even though I won the popular vote. In 1828, however, I came back and put that snot-nosed aristocrat in his place when I gave him a complete ass-handing-to in the presidential election. Once in office I implemented the notorious "spoils system" by giving key federal positions to my good friends and supporters. I then set about conspiring against the national bank and eventually had it's charter repealed in 1832. In addition, I managed to expand voting rights to include all adult white males (pretty slick of me, eh?). After serving out my two terms as president I retired to my home in Nashville. I died on June 8, 1845, at the ripe age of 78. So there you have it, my life and career in a nutshell. I'm dead now, but my spirit will forever be honored on Myspace!