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breathing . . . . in and out about every 8 seconds. pretending to be a statue. I also enjoy collecting lint and adding it to my lint castle. And perfecting my super hero status.
One boob is filled with chocolate milk, the other is filled with 2% skim. So I would like to meet someone who enjoys milk.Here's a few quotes from my favorite comedian Mitch Hedberg. God rest his soul.I saw soda-pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price fucks with your head, 'cause then you start to think that you're gonna sell pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch?" "Not much, man, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refrigerated 'cause this is a half-assed commitment." I play golf. I'm not good at golf. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore." But I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it! Build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament." I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store often times I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. I got a business card cuz I wanna win some lunches... That's what my business card says, "Mitch Hedberg: Potential Lunch Winner." Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch... if I'm lucky. I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. You are using that machine to its exact purpose! That machine has been misunderstood for years... I was at a park and saw a kid flying a kite. He was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now had he had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have known. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means it's dirty. I was at a casino, I was minding my own business, this guy came up, he said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. So I think we should get only three honks a month on the car horn because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens... you're like, "Shit! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!" I can’t tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved. They said, “Let’s call this hotel something tree.†So they had a meeting. It was quite short. “How about Tree?†“No.†“Double Tree.†“Hell, yeah!... Meeting adjourned!†I had my heart set on Quadruple Tree. We were almost there. I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well, you won't believe what I have in store for you, and it's to your exact specifications. I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up, too!" I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Crispies box: Snap, Crackle, Mitch, and Pop. "Hey, how the fuck did he do that?" Hey, in Hollywood, it's all who you and I know Crackle. I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes...
To Quote George Carlin:The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind...
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