Wilford Brimley - ProfilesArchive

About Me

My name is Wilford Brimley. I have diabetes. I eat Quaker Oats, roofing nails and burning tires for breakfast. I guess that's why I'm immortal. I once beat three horses to death with a rattlesnake in Mexico. I'm the one who really killed Bruce Lee. On the set of "Cocoon," I slept with every woman in the cast. Jessica Tandy told me she had never seen Hume Cronyn cry like that before. I shoot fire from my fingertips. Steven Seagal used to slap women around until I beat him like one. Until the age of 10, I took nourishment directly from the udder of a cow named Brownstone. Remember when I starred in that '80s TV show "Our House" with a young Chad Allen? I'm the reason he's gay now. I swim in the ocean, tear whales apart with my gnarled hands and eat their blubber raw. Frank Sinatra once pulled a gun on me. I took it from him, ate it and then knocked his dick in the dirt. Chuck Norris spends every waking moment in mortal fear of me. I once drank 16 gallons of turpentine, took a piss and then drank 12 more. In short, I'm not to be trifled with.

My Interests

Farming, rodeo riding, blacksmithing, eating and beating the living shit out of people who piss me off.

I'd like to meet:

Everyone except commie bastards and most queers.

Music:

Old country and disco.

Movies:

Only the ones I'm in. Anything else doesn't matter.

Television:

My television doesn't work because I practiced my spinning hook kick on it one too many times.

Books:

I don't read much because my eyes aren't so good anymore. It's the diabetes.

Heroes:

Hercules, Gilgamesh and the Six Million Dollar Man.

My Blog

Once again, I offer my wisdom to all of you. 2/25/07

Enough questions have finally trickled in for me to take my attention away from booze, broads and blow to answer some more of your simpering queries. And by simpering, I mean interrogatives such as th...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Sun, 25 Feb 2007 05:50:00 PST

Wilford Brimley saves the universe ... AGAIN! 12/10/06

A handful of you accepted my challenge and I shall attempt to pass along my wisdom as I can. Whether you follow my advice or continue on with your rank mediocrity is your perrogative.Let me remind you...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Sun, 10 Dec 2006 09:08:00 PST

Let's try something new.

I've grown weary of regaling you all with my exploits. This is why I have not done so in such a long time. I see no point in giving you all glimpses of a life that you will never have.Still my friends...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:38:00 PST

Follow my commands or face the consequences.

Dear friends,There is a fellow on my friends list that I have become to hold somewhat higher than the lowest esteem.He traveled across many contintents to find my abode. Upon his arrival, he sat outsi...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Sat, 05 Aug 2006 01:55:00 PST

Second star to the right and straight on 'till morning.

As I reclined on an air mattress in the pool of my palacial estate today, my thoughts drifted back to yonder years long gone by.The slight lapping of the warm waters against the cheap vinyl took me ba...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Fri, 14 Jul 2006 06:12:00 PST

Veterans do everything better.

Today is Memorial Day, my friends and fans. And while I've never officially been a member of the armed forces, I have undertaken many missions on behalf of the United States government.One of my perso...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Mon, 29 May 2006 10:05:00 PST

To sleep, perchance to dream.

I would apologize for not blogging for some time, but being as I don't apologize for anything ... go fuck yourselves.However, I will tell you where I've been. It all started with a nap. It was a heart...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Sun, 16 Apr 2006 05:08:00 PST

Holidays are what a fellow makes of them.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I did not wear green. The calendar does not dictate my wardrobe choices and anyone who attempted to give me a pinch received an immediate shido chop to the collarbo...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Sat, 18 Mar 2006 08:40:00 PST

I always feel a bit sad when I don't get to slay the groom.

I attended a wedding yesterday. It was the wedding of my possibly gay myspace friend Jeremy Alexander. He didn't know I was there, but I was. I used my powers of stealth learned from an ancient Ninja ...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Sat, 11 Mar 2006 06:56:00 PST

Frankly m'boy, fuck the Oscars.

I watched the Academy Awards last night from home as I guess my invitation was lost in the mail. They don't want me there because the last time I attended, I flexed one of my pecs on the red carpet an...
Posted by Wilford Brimley on Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:30:00 PST