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When I was 7, I had my first erection. I was amazed. Whoa, a new toy! Like a transformer robot! I had once seen my father's erection and so I was quite proud that I was becoming daddy's boy. Papa! Mummy! Look my transformer! "Ah boy, put away your toy, we have visitors."But I really didn't know how to play with my new toy until I was 12 when a classmate and I went went to the toilet behind school to compare sizes (wah, you so big; no lah, you bigger - bloody hell, it's a tie!). "Come, let's goncang together," he said. What is goncang? I asked. "There you shake it like that." Oh, so that is what "goncang" means, I said. Um, I don't feel anything lah. "You just keep shaking. You will see." Eh, so boring, man, I see you back in class.When I was 14, I left Malacca and studied in Singapore. I was living in a hostel, and I found a way to always end up sleeping in other boys' beds. They taught me to masturbate (ooh, so that's what happens when you keep shaking it!), or let me touch them while they pretended to sleep ("Hey, stop touching me please, and stop pretending to be asleep."). Well, I touched a few, and fell in love with many. But I never told anyone my feelings, and so in silence my heart broke over and over.Frightened of the monster I was becoming and feeling desperately alone, I tried to go straight with jesus and the holy spirit. "Just as I am without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me." For 12 years I wanted to be like all the rest of god's chosen ones, everyone so perfect, arms raised to heaven, secrets buried under their songs. I felt even more alone.But then I thought maybe it's okay to be alone. Here we have spent all our lives trying to deal with being alone by joining different crowds - at the clubs, the malls, the churches, the mosques. But I have read enough books and seen enough movies to realise that ultimately the only way to deal with being alone is to be alone.I learned that faith, identity and truth are all constructed in the mind - and they are largely determined by the crowds around us. Here's what I believe: Whatever you believe becomes true to you. So I alone must decide what this life means and keep searching.I came out at 26. At first very slowly, and to close friends. I would say, hey, I know there are rumours going around that I am not straight. I just want to say that there is truth behind the rumour. Then they would say, "Oh we know." For people who have a problem with who I am, it is their problem, not mine. They should see a shrink.Now, I often bring guys back to my apartment. Someone asked, your straight housemates don't mind? I said, I don't mind them, why should they mind me? Breeders and their children, most of them live only to consume the earth's limitted resources; so much misery is born everyday, every hungry mouth asking why are we here in this universe. But me and my kind, we are just trying to spread some love around, make it beautiful while we are here. Laying in each other's arms, perhaps we will find our reasons. Or perhaps the question becomes unnecessary. Perhaps the universe can wait. In the space of each other's arms, time holds us in a bubble even as we float towards the night's horizon. And if our bubble should burst, we still have the ocean and the stars, my friends.
