Chris profile picture

Chris

Slow down Loris

About Me

I love the bit in True Lies where Schwarzeneggar is pretending to be an art buyer and he walks past a sculpture in the lobby area whilst chatting to the owner and casually remarks "That's a nice piece" in reference to the sculpture.

My Interests

Hngn owt wiv my mtz

I'd like to meet:

Someone who was obsessed with the charater 'Boycey' from "Only Fools and Horses" so much so that they dressed, styled their hair, spoke like and essentially just wanted to be Boycey all the time, year after year. I'd like this person to take it far too far, such that most people would refer to him as; "That twat you can't even talk to without him mentioning his imaginary "Marlene" or some deal he's just (not actually) done. The guy really is a first class idiot, doesn't he realise everyone thinks he's an utter tosser?" Despite this I would find him really funny. It would be great how he virtually says the same crap everytime you see him and how people would talk to him for about five minutes and then never speak to him ever again because he was clearly an absolute nutcase. People would see me on the streets and say, "I know you, you're that bloke who's friends with that twat who thinks he's Boycey from Only Fools and Horses."

Music:

Just take those old records off the shelf, I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself, Today's music ain't got the same soul, I like that old time rock 'n' roll. Don't try to take me to a disco, You'll never even get me out on the floor, In ten minutes I'll be late for the door, I like that old time rock 'n' roll.

Movies:

Any film with John Cleese in.

Television:

I enjoy shows from the following genres: celebrity dieting, house renovation, makeovers, and reality tv.

Books:

Anything by Vorderman (Carol).

Heroes:

Texas Pete and Jean-Charles De Menendez

My Blog

Drink-drive fun day

A UK Police force had a "legal drink-drive fun day" at the weekend. A short course of road involving a few junctions etc. was closed off to normal road users. Members of the public were allowed to dri...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 25 Jul 2006 07:55:00 PST

In England we have...

Social clubs called The Royal British Lesion. These are places where people with tissue abnormalities meet up to compare their lesions. Club members can also drink from a fully licensed bar and play g...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 18 Jul 2006 04:30:00 PST

Punk Rocker (The Remix)

"I wish I was a spunk blocker with towers in my care, I.e. I wish I was a free condom providing safe sex for Tower Hamlets residents."
Posted by Chris on Mon, 03 Jul 2006 04:37:00 PST

Warehouse

If anyone wants some Gideons bibles on the cheap just holla. Just got off the phone with my mate Deano. He said something like this: "Ahh fuckin' hell done a fucking warehouse over last night. Fuckin'...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 23 May 2006 03:44:00 PST

I wish this would happen

I'd love to walk into a room and see someone who is clearly very distressed in a great turmoil. "What's bothering you?" I would ask. The person would nervously and tearfully say, "I just ...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 09 May 2006 06:50:00 PST

Politics

For some reason I ended up going to sleep with Newsnight on in the background last night. This is very unlike me. I don't watch the news because it's shit. Below is a prime example of why.   They...
Posted by Chris on Fri, 21 Apr 2006 06:11:00 PST

Malteasers Advert

The Fuel Advisory Board (FAB) has released a new series of adverts like that old Malteasers advert where the ballerinas enjoyed eating Malteasers before the performance because it was "lighter th...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 10 Apr 2006 05:10:00 PST

My friend Dean

Dean has been a friend of mine for five or six years. Each year I've known Dean I've began to notice more and more weird characteristics about him. He was strange enough to begin with. I first met him...
Posted by Chris on Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:55:00 PST

The William Tell Overture

Yo yo, this is the remix, yo: Motherfuck motherfuck mother fuck fuck fuck Motherfuck motherfuck mother fuck fuck fuck Motherfuck motherfuck mother fuck fuck fuck Motherfuuuuuuuck mother fuck fuck fuck...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 20 Mar 2006 05:55:00 PST

The flower people

Today my boss opened up her email to find out the flower people downstairs had only sold four mother's day flower collabos. I suggested that our department go downstairs to taunt the flower people abo...
Posted by Chris on Thu, 09 Mar 2006 05:01:00 PST