My name is Paul, I live in Ohio, and I am a lesbian.
I love golf and everything about it. (Except for Lee Trevino, he's a son of a bitch.)
I enjoy doing stand-up comedy, it's really thrilling to me. (Almost as thrilling as shoving a dill-pickle up my anus.) God I love pickles. Here's a clip of me:
The shortest stand-up routine in history
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I like to pretend I'm stupid, even though I'm smarter than most people.
Even though I hate kids, and I wanna murder a few just cause they look stupid, I have good values and I think I'd make a great father.
I like watching TV and stuff.
I like eating Mexican food and stuff.
I like walking my dog and stuff.
I like adding the word "stuff" after a list of intentionally vague statements in a desperate attempt at humor.
I'm very happy with my life. I got a great chick who likes all the things that I like and that's just super if you ask me. (She makes burritos.)
I used to be sexually promiscuous but not anymore. By sexually promiscuous, I mean I masturbated like 6 times a day. I used to cum in my socks and hold puppet shows.
I'm an atheist. There is no god. I don't understand the need to believe in something so ridiculous. It's so fuckin' childish to me. (Not as childish as this Beetlejuice tattoo on my penis, but you get the point.)
In case you can't tell, I have this weird self-defense mechanism where I always have to be funny. I don't really mind, but being the self-aware jizzbucket that I am, I have to actually tell you. I've always wanted to go to a psychiatrist to find out if I'm fucked up or not, but I already know he'll say I'm insane, so I avoid that, just like I avoid everything else in my life. (There goes my self-aware jizzbucket side again.) If you knew my parents and watched them talk to each other, you'd look at me and just shake your head. But that's cool. I just pooped my pants. It's loggy.
My sense of humor is rather strange. I'm obsessed with awkward moments. To me, there's nothing funnier than silence.
I try to make my life fun, cause life that isn't fun, sucks. I can't stand negative people and I avoid them.
On the other hand, I like obscure hot sauces, micro-brewed beer, fine documentaries, The Discovery Channel, and guacamole. I also enjoy talking to my neighbors just a little too long just to let them know that I'm a goddamn creep and they should run when they see me. Actually, I don't do that, but I should try it sometime. I LOVE doing coke and ass-fucking hookers. I'm rambling, my bad, time to go. Kisses! XOXOXO
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Cutie Pie
Birthday: I was aborted
Birthplace: Dumpster behind 7-11
Current Location: Church
Eye Color: I have 2 lazy eyes
Hair Color: Goldilocks with a hint of Conner Peterson
Height: A shade under 3 feet
Right Handed or Left Handed: I lost them both in a tragic ping pong accident
Your Heritage: Swiss
The Shoes You Wore Today: Glitter Pumps. SOOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!
Your Weakness: A priest with a boner and a loving embrace. I like to please Father. ;)
Your Fears: Blowing my load before the log drops on my chest. (Then it's just gross.)
Your Perfect Pizza: Delivered by a mischievous pizza boy. Extra sausage? Yes please.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Find Jesus
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: You're only 8?!?! FINALLY!
Thoughts First Waking Up: "Why am I covered in jizz?"
Your Best Physical Feature: My "naughty" warts
Your Bedtime: When I blow my load, shove the corpse back into the casket, and sneak out of the funeral home undetected
Your Most Missed Memory: When I would play meat swords with my Uncle Larry.
Pepsi or Coke: RC Cola. AHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! That's the best joke on here! WHO THE FUCK drinks RC Cola? AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
MacDonalds or Burger King: Used tampons
Single or Group Dates: I don't date, I cry
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Piss
Chocolate or Vanilla: Cocks? Chocolate then.
Cappuccino or Coffee: I enjoy a tall cup of Joe while I watch Ellen
Do you Smoke: Poles
Do you Swear: I say "Gee golly mister, you are one mean fella" at least once a day. WOW, I GOTTA WATCH MY MOUTH. I'm going to confession.
Do you Sing: Judy Garland showtunes while I cut myself
Do you Shower Daily: Golden usually. Lately I just sit in my bathtub naked with a jar of pickles and a shotgun.
Have you Been in Love: I love taking HUGE dumps. I take them to the movies.
Do you want to go to College: To get freshmen frat guys drunk and uhhhh "hold" them? Maybe. I'm into spooning.
Do you want to get Married: I did and it sure was swell
Do you belive in yourself: I hate myself and want to die
Do you get Motion Sickness: When I'm trying to bang a horse
Do you think you are Attractive: Think Corky Thatcher
Are you a Health Freak: Yeah. I only have 14 STD's.
Do you get along with your Parents: Well, if murdering them and dumping their bodies into a log-chipper is "getting along", then yes.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes, cause my dog cuddles just a little bit closer to me. MMMMMMM.
Do you play an Instrument: A Tuba
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: I drank some alcohol, then had sex with a retard
In the past month have you Smoked: Yes, I enjoy a stogie while I watch Esteban infomercials.
In the past month have you been on : an altar bent over? YES!!!!!!!!
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yeah, I took her to White Castle.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: I pooped in the fountain
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: I've eaten a box
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: (Insert funny joke about smelly pussy here)
In the past month have you been on Stage: Yeah, this one tranny-hooker. His name was Stage.
In the past month have you been Dumped: On, yes.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Yeah, it was more like fat dipping in the kiddie pool. It was awkward.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: If by "stole", you mean "got", then I "stole" AIDS from some Haitian prostitute last week.
Ever been Drunk: Only at funerals
Ever been called a Tease: This one time I wore a belly shirt in a desperate plea for attention
Ever been Beaten up: By this one old dude on a rascal.
Ever Shoplifted: Yeah, depends. No, literally.....I stole adult diapers you idiot, thanks for making me explain that.
How do you want to Die: "Eaten" by a zombie. ;)
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I wanna sell fireworks
What country would you most like to Visit: Oklahoma
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Pirate Patch
Favourite Hair Color: Clown hair
Short or Long Hair: Long and greasy around the vag.
Height: Jonbenet Ramsey
Weight: Blue Whale
Best Clothing Style: Naked, quivering, and crying for mommy
Number of I have taken: Children I have taken from the playground? Golly, I dunno. At least 6. I'd have to dig under my house for a few days to get the exact number...
Number of CDs I own: 3 with showtunes, 550 with Japanese shit videos
Number of Piercings: 1 in the asshole
Number of Tattoos: Yeah, I have a sweet tattoo of Pee Wee Herman on my chest.
Number of things in my Past I Regret: I should have banged that monkey at the zoo. I felt something there.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!
