Far Away Eyes profile picture

Far Away Eyes

Fear, anger & judgement, the things we can control

About Me

first let me say, I don't add friends who ask to be added, i'm not really looking to network, just express myself & chat with people i think have some insight.*****No offense***** ok here is my story and i am going to TRY to make this quick. born in indiana, an very shy only child- i climbed trees, swam, read books, swam some more, tromped around the woods & wondered why i couldn't drink out of our creek like the indians did & had my first thoughts of rain catchment all before i was 7 (something to do w/a tarp over my treehouse). my parents divorced at 8, we all changed then. So, i was forced out of my shell or be alone. my mom went to school to support us, dad paid child support. they sent me off for a week w/a friend, I came back & my home had moved. dad got the house w/my stepmonster & my stepbrother (i won't even get into that whole scenario- she f'ed a little girl up). Mom & i moved into the "crackerjack house", as in 'as big as', but we held each other up, missed dad and cried together. Mom got into a horrible wreck, broke her ankle irreversably, i almost fainted-dad never showed. Pain, we know it. Mom became a nurse, dad is an attorney. Mom dated a couple of guys & one proposed, but we both didn't feel like he was "it". We moved again. Then right before my freshman year of high school, mom said "we are moving to Texas". i said good. Mom became head nurse of an emergency room. i met my new family there & best friend- they saved my life, just by caring. Good times, drinking, dancing, hauling ass down real country roads, learning the lyrics to Beastie Boys, flying by the seat of my pants & holding my breath until i could get out from under my parents lives. My mom discovered she was bi & asked me if i cared and i said no, as long as she was happy (which she deserves). Then her girlfriend moved in with her demon dog. She was a bitch to me & so was her dog, so i was never home. Mom changed, i changed we all changed. I saw my dad once a year- which is better than nothing. Luckily i had great nice, stable families & friends who let me in their lives, encouraged & cared about me. My normally A,B grades hit the skids when my parents divorced & suffered since. I just didn't care about anything, myself included. Then starts my addictions. Which I've had many. i drank a lot in high school. Luckily i noticed my addictive personality early & steered clear of anything worse than X or pot, which i didn't do at all until college and some until after college. I had some of the best times of my life in college, 3 hrs from home. I learned about interior design, made fantastic, talented friends. I really felt like i was finally in my element. I was around creative, accepting, loving people, just enjoying their 20's, as most do. Then school ended everybody moved. I met my husband somewhere in between. He is a drummer. The moment I fell for him was when i saw his kindness to his dog. And good God, that chiseled face & washboard abs! ( ; '94 he moved in after he & my roomate talked me into it (he was there all the time anyway) & we've been together ever since. He was so different from how I was raised. He didn't play by any rules. We were broke as a joke for what seemed like forever. His band played & i supported in everyway i could, knowing & accepting full well the sacrifices it takes. I lost touch w/most of my friends, i wasn't living up to my own expectations so i could look them in the face with our lifestyle? My husband isn't exactly social either. In truth though, in many ways i don't respect that party girl i was in high school & I'm not exactly sure how to make that transition with them. Later, changed professions & my husband supported me. I got in to plants. For some reason i can remember latin names!? I felt like i was really combining design & my connection with nature. I managed an organic nursery for 3 years or so. It fit like a glove, I liked my peers & teaching people how to work w/mother nature & touching lives. The band was doing well & i was working long hours & weekends-so my husband & I never saw each other! Also, we needed more money & less hours, so i had to change jobs. I took a job i hated, but with better pay. So, i tried to make the best of it. Later i did some landscape design for a friend, but the partnership dissolved. Meanwhile my husband, with no formal education but, being the extremely hard worker he is, moved up & surpassed my income. so we sold one of our two cars (which we bought with the money my husband's grandmother left us -God rest that kind woman's soul- thank God for her generosity) for a down payment to buy some land in '98, got married in '99 and in '03, after blood, sweat & tears we literally built the house. Mom & the first girlfriend split & now i have my favorite stepmom, sweet, strong, loving & intelligent. Now hanging out w/the ladies is a retreat- really great women & i don't have to worry about mom anymore- she is in great hands. As a matter of fact she is a kept woman, lovingly allowed to follow her hearts desires in her hobbies & staying off that ankle! Now i am trying to figure out what to do w/the rest of my life/time or lifetime. Trying to figure out how to combine my passions & make a contribution. Qnly thing missing is a baby. I've always wanted to be a mom & am trying to smooth out the wrinkles of my life for a safe haven. To me a child is a gift to the world, so precious, so bendable. Maybe i'm putting too much responsibility on us as parents????? i just want the child to grow up strong, stronger than me, smarter than me, better than me. Who knows, i may wait too long- which would SUCK, but such is life. Any advice from the enlightened?- i'll take it! *****So, in summation, we've worked hard for everything we have, we are nice people and yet..... "it was the best of times it was the worst of times", but it could have been worse and it could have been better ( ; ************** i'm brave & shy, strong & weak, happy & sad*************Symptoms of Inner Peace1. Tendency to think and act spontaneously rather then from fear based on experiences 2. An unmistaken ability to enjoy each moment 3. Loss of interest in judging other people 4. Loss of interest in judging oneself 5. Loss of interest in interpreting the action of others 6. Loss of interest in conflict 7. Loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom) 8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation 9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature 10. Frequent attacks of smiling through the eyes from the heart 11. Increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen 12. Increased susceptibility to love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend itMy best friend in college gave this to me years ago & had forgotton about it. Haven't felt this in a long time, but working on getting back there..."If we make sure children know they're important, help them to discover their individual gifts, then give them the skills to succeed, they will." It's that simple."TURN ONS: Deep souls, brown eyes, integrity, truth (however hard to swallow), kindness, true heartedness....just think for yourself, be yourself & form your own opinions...fing lemmings! TURN OFFS: Pretty boys, bullies, pompous jackasses, people who think intelligence is handed out on a piece of paper or how a person is raised (these things help feed intelligence but do not constitue wisdom), lemmings & gossip!SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION: Each to his own- whatever speaks to you. In hard times it is absolutely necessary. I have always been spiritual, but I am just now- really getting it. I believe that there is "the one" who created all (the Big Bang) and many cultures just translate differently. Much like a parental figure that can only give us guidelines, but cannot make us do anything. our lives are the product of our own doing. Also like a parent, will love us regardless, but saving our own souls is up to us, with real regret &/or responsibility. As far as finding your guidelines- it is in your heart & no where else.LIFE IN GENERAL "An unexamined life is not worth living" -Socrates. I am always thumbing through my pages- reviewing, trying to learn and always, always asking Why? This is a highly painful trip & I do mean trip and many avoid this deep plunge into how much we are responsible for- ourselves & each other. I can't say I blame them. Afterall, ignorance is bliss.MY SUN IS IN TAURUS: I AM IN ALL WAYS A TAURUS! I like things with soul, things that look good, feel good, smell good, taste good. Loyal, loving, strong willed. Normally even tempered, it takes a LOT for me to loose my temper, but if I do....get out of the way.MY MOON IS IN LEO: On the day you were born, the Moon was in Leo. You like to do everything in a big way, and the more you splurge on yourself, your family, and friends, the happier you are. Your feelings are large, and they reflect the aura of your sunny personality. In romance, you want to go the whole nine yards.THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: Fall, blackberries(the fruit), dragonflies, wildflowers, wildlife, trees (large, old, wise trees or anywhere trees are abundant), kind words, children that are yet to be tainted by the world, the color green in every shade...i know there is more....just not coming to mind ?: i have a thing for canoing & rivers. i like overcast days (much like my moods & the colors are so vivid then), the sound of a mourning dove, turtles, buffalo (after all i am....a taurus) the colors of a sunset or sunrise......FAVORITE SMELLS: grapefruit, peaches, & gorgio GIO (damn that stuff smells good!),a stand of pine trees, the forest floorFOOD: I think I was Itallian in another life....give me some bread, wine, cheese & pasta & I am a HAPPY girl!THE EARTH In many ways I feel the earth is my religion, it is our direct connection to "the one", our gift & our responsibiltiy. I feel we were given the gift of compassion (women)for this purpose.My connection with the earth- this living, breathing, life giving, beautifuly intricate entity we live on- there is only one like her in this massive solar system. my birthday is on Earth Day. When I watch something like Nature's "Christmas in Yellowstone" Something inside me pops, spins & breaks free. I respect all living things- for i am no better/important than they are.I will not argue environmentalism- but it is clear to me what I believe in. For all that wish to argue - no one will ever know for sure what is contributing to her demise/change (though the numbers look to be swinging towards us)it is only for our benefit that she be back in balance- really only for mankind- for she will live on, long after we are gone, however we will take many other things down with us......So, the question is are you willing to take that chance and not do anything? Do you really feel man is the epitome of the entire solar system? is it only ours to kill if we like, for the mother earth to waiver back and forth to try and catch her balance? if so, live with the consequences. Are you that selfish? Even for the athiests; you have to acknowledge the preciousness and the rarity of this planet!?- nothing else like her that we know of- not even close!!!!MY SOUL The one thing I will fiercely stand up for are things w/no voice. I don't want accolades. I just want to make a positive impact. Seeing an 3 lizards living under our bridge, makes me happy, I gave them a home & food. Maybe I have already made a difference, in those small things- I hope so. Right now I am trying to wait patiently for my next path to arrive, meditating- thinking on where to go next. Wondering when it will all make sense and learning to love without needing love in return--so difficult for me!!!!! I tend to be passionate about things which many times gets in my way emotionally. I have been trying to figure out how I came to be, what traits I inherited & which came to be out of experiences. My soul is extremely complicated, as I think most souls are. So, a work in progress as my life waxes & wains. As Rocco says...."speak to me with your heart". I always do....which has been a curse & a blessing. but I think God sees and understands the truth in me when noone else does.More later when I have time and/or feel like it.Many blessings to all & have some compassion for heaven sake!Layout made by the_legend at CreateBlog.com .

My Interests

I never met a plant I didn't like. Ecological restoration, native plants. Anything creative, expressive, w/character. Art, music, dance, design. American Indian culture- facinating really.......i read where a certain tribe would do a ceremony each year to symbolize their connection to the earth. They would pick a cottonwood tree strip it, tie long ropes to the top & upright it in the center of a large circle. The men would then impale stakes into their chests (vertically, under the skin) and tie the end of the stake to the end of the ropes, then aparently danced around the tree..........talk about sacrifice & a super symbol of faith! Admirable!

I'd like to meet:

Old souls & anyone who is short on judgement & long on heart. people who can make me laugh or stretch my mind. people w/morals, something to stand for & true to heart. i get tired of the masks of cool that are so afraid to let out some emotion, originality or inkling of truth...as they might be judged. Oh and the heros I've never met, Mark Twain (I like his down to earth points of view), Joseph Campbell Bob Marley (the integrity he had!)& Jack Nicholson (we have the same b-day). All dead, except one. Well, maybe in the after life.**********************many thanks to Sa'rah for her inspiration & letting me repost this! I just love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.” It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.-The Invitation; by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Music:

God that is never ending but my staples are; Fiona Apple, Red Hots, AIC, Soundgarden, Toadies, Rage Against the Machine, Helmet, QOTSA, Mother Love Bone & Pantera CFH to name a few. There is a lot of quality music & extremely talented people out there. Would like to mention Orange 9mm, a brief, but good band that more people should have heard.*******Latest fav: Rocco DeLuca & the Burden, GD this is a good CD! LOVE IT!**********I had floor seats w/great friends to see Pearl Jam in the 90's (my drunken roomate lost her ticket in the portajon & we all pitched in for a ticket from a scalper, GT!), I saw Helmet on a musically delicious day at a small outdoor venue w/Primus, I've seen Soundgarden twice, I had great seats for QUOTSA at the Ridglea (highly recommend it), I've seen Toadies multiple times, I saw Pantera back when they were throwing warehouse parties in Austin, I saw Seedfreak, Happy Trader, SSB from conception (many thanks to all who supported them, friends & Frolic friends). Good times, who knows what is next. Life has been good to me so far..... hopefully I'll see Fiona someday and/or Red Hots.I like Alternative, Rock, Blues, Jazz (Coltrane is my fav) & Classical Acoustic Guitar. I grew up w/Aretha & Gladys.FAVORITE SONGS THAT MAKE ME TINGLE: Jesus Christ Pose, Wooden Jesus, God Am…that says something doesn’t it, me and my never ending quest for spiritual growth.FAVORITE GUIITAR SOLOS: Suck My Kiss, anything that Ron Haney lays down…the world should know Ron Haney, wait a minute, Ron does know everyone ( ; Last, but certainly not least, Rocco DeLuca with his heartfelt, soulful, note bending.

Movies:

i can watch a movie i like over & over same w/good books; Fav of all time: Gone w/the Wind, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (every scene in this movie is GORGEOUS) and both stories are fantastic, they hit home for me. Strong minded women, misconceptions, betrayl.....story of my life.

Television:

I like comedies or light hearted, feel good stuff. My waters tend to run deep, so this helps me lighten up.

Books:

Fav of all time, Siddhartha. Latest read, People of the River & the like.Sadly, I usually read for information anymore. But my goals are to catch up on my classic literature. Me with more info on life- I might scare myself (;

Heroes:

Maya Angelou, Susan Sarrandon, Molly Hollar, Todd Franks & Joseph Campbell. my oldest dog border collie mix, Coltrane (he's 11) he comforts me when i'm sad & protects me when i need him! Poem by the master; I'm not black, but I understand;Still I Rise...........You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise.Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise.Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own back yard.You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise.Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise.Maya Angelou..................................................... ............................................................ . IF.....IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son! (or a woman, whichever applies)Kipling gold/orange/moderate green layout; tables are set at 80% opacity to give a clear view of the golden flower in the background

My Blog

who I am?

I am a wayside flower. I have never been a rose or even a lupine. Many people call me a weed,try to pull me out, mow over me and step on me.I am a small, inconspicous, blue as the sky, flower. my f...
Posted by Far Away Eyes on Fri, 09 Mar 2007 10:15:00 PST

To my little nephew

I got your pictures yesterday & though I haven't met you yet, it brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful that you are getting to grow up under the trees as I did. May it grant you with a peaceful...
Posted by Far Away Eyes on Wed, 06 Sep 2006 10:25:00 PST

Memorial Day

Yesterday i was thinking of all the fighting for freedom, for human rights...the never ending struggle for power & wealth trying to sqelch these things over the centuries.  i am hum...
Posted by Far Away Eyes on Tue, 30 May 2006 10:37:00 PST