They call me "table sugar." Wait. No. Sorry. I think that's sucrose they call "table sugar." Anyway... I'm an intelligent, fun-loving, attractive... HA! I SO had you goin'! You were all, like, Oh, what a nice girl. She sounds really interesting. Well, you're wrong! Fah! IN YOUR FACE!!!!
A STORY NAMED ROBIN - The MySpace Interview
Name: Robin Kathleen
Birthday: February 12; accept gifts year-round
Birthplace: Georgia
Current Location: Oregon
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Black--like my heart. Wait a minute--my hair's not black. Hmm. It sounds lame, though, to say, "Oooooh. I have a blonde heart." I'll have to rethink this and get back to you.
Height: 5'8" barefoot (in favorite heels: 6'1"; when skulking: 4'11")
Right Handed or Left Handed: Yes. Oh, pick one? I'll say...right!
Your Heritage: Appalachian-American
The Shoes You Wore Today: Are the Evidence They'll Be Seizing Tomorrow
Your Weakness: Some residual range-of-motion limitation in my left arm from a near-fatal prison stabbing incident and the ensuing necrotic infection. Also, chocolate!!!
Your Fears: Oh, last night, I had this horrible nightmare in which I went to an Oak Ridge Boys concert, and their final number was "Elvira"--except in the dream, they sang it as "El-Rob-in! El-Rob-in!" Anyway, I went backstage after the show and ended up having group sex with the whole band. It's kind of funny, because the Oak Ridge Boys actually DID play here in town last night and... Oh, God.
Your Perfect Pizza: Ahhh... Is there anything better than a quiet evening at home with an economy-size bottle of Nyquil and a special someone called Chef BoyArDee?
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: get the Sub-Club reinstated at Subway; Jared, you have a cold, cold heart.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "court-ordered apology"
Thoughts First Waking Up: Who IS this guy? And what's up with the Taco Bell uniform?
Your Best Physical Feature: magnetic colon
Your Bedtime: involves duct tape
Your Most Missed Memory: What the devil does that mean? Man, I HATE when they translate these instructions from the Japanese
Pepsi or Coke: Look, I don't mind answering questions about my deepest fears, religion, or sexual orientation, but I think the soft drink thing is a little too personal.
MacDonalds or Burger King: Tee hee hee. You spelled it "MAC-Donald's." That's how my cousin Doris pronounces it. Sigh. I miss that guy.
Single or Group Dates: Depends on market prices
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: What? Um, I dunno. The one with Don Meredith.
Chocolate or Vanilla: NOBODY
Cappuccino or Coffee: CARES
Do you Smoke: Not cigarettes.... And not marijuana, either! But... Well, I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but have you SEEN my latest Glamour Shots? SSSSSSSizzle!
Do you Swear: Not since I learned to substitute Renaissance phrases for common swear words. Next time you slam your left breast in the car door, try saying, "Well met, sir!" It works!
Do you Sing: It really depends on what sort of plea agreement they're offering.
Do you Shower Daily: If the next question involves talc, I quit.
Have you Been in Love: Um, you're not gonna start singing that "I've Never Been to Me" song, are you?
Do you want to go to College: Wait! Did Sally Struthers send you?
Do you want to get Married: Which is it? Get married or go to college? STOP PRESSURING ME!!!
Do you belive in yourself: Of course I do, but you're talking to the girl who spent $12,000 on mascara in preparation for Y2K, so... grain of salt.
Do you get Motion Sickness: I wish. Then, maybe they'd finally quit seating me in those exit rows.
Do you think you are Attractive: Do YOU think I'm attractive? I asked you first!
Are you a Health Freak: No, just the regular kind
Do you get along with your Parents: Definitely! Our relationship has really improved in the last few years. When Jerry Springer says he'll get you counseling if you appear on his show, he ain't kidding!
Do you like Thunderstorms: Depends; am I in a field holding a giant key? If so, then yes.
Do you play an Instrument: Heh, heh.... Oh, um, the piano. And banjo. Currently learning the trocar.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Oh, sure, laugh all you want, but I live in a small apartment and so I have to store my Fresca under the bathroom sink. The bottles look strikingly similar--especially when you're loaded.
In the past month have you Smoked: You already asked me that--unless now you're talking about have I used my Lil'-Chief-brand meat smoker in the last month, to which I say, "OF! COURSE!"
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Does Super Mega Weight Gain Powder count?
In the past month have you gone on a Date: No man can tame me! Well, I guess that's not strictly true--after all, those SWAT team guys did a pretty serviceable job of it that one time.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Only to buy novelty cell phone covers or to take surveys. My opinion is very valuable! Once, they gave me a trial-size bottle of fabric softener. Honestly, though, I couldn't detect any taste difference between the two brands.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Trick question; they don't come in a box.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Sure! A whole box!
In the past month have you been on Stage: Hmmm. Would a police line-up or Showbar pole count?
In the past month have you been Dumped: "Dumped" with a capital "D," huh? You're mean.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: OK, in my defense, that driver's test was not gonna pass itself.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Only everyone's HEART I'm always stealin'.
Ever been Drunk: OK, again: I will get RID of those CANS when I get a RIDE to the RECYCLING center. Sheesh!
Ever been called a Tease: Only once, after I was, all, like, "Forget it, Mr. Nugent. No job is worth THAT."
Ever been Beaten up: No way! Nobody's got the guts to try and take me down. Just look at them, quivering behind their restraining orders!
Ever Shoplifted: Yeah, right. YOU try stuffing a family-size tub of Country Crock down YOUR pants and maintaining a normal gait as you leave the store. Not so easy, is it, smart guy?
How do you want to Die: OK, you're starting to make me uncomfortable.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I want to make the salary that I put in my profile.
What country would you most like to Visit: See, this has been kind of a sore subject for me ever since they revoked my passport. Honestly, I didn't know that "don't make a bomb joke" sign at the airport extended to folksy bomb anecdotes, too. Oh, and pardon me if I must have certain gels and pastes with me at all times to prevent chafing.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: pink (I have an albino fetish)
Favourite Hair Color: white (see above)
Short or Long Hair: When you say "boy/girl," are we talking about
Height: a new race of men/women or do you
Weight: mean "a boy OR a girl"?
Best Clothing Style: I've always heard that you can tell a lot about a man by the cut of his clothing. I haven't had a lot of luck with this so far--the men on the bus don't seem to like it when I try to measure their inseams.
Number of Drugs I have taken: Since lunch? Or, like, all day?
Number of CDs I own: Gosh, with interest rates so low, I really haven't... Oh. Well, I don't really like music CDs. I'm more of a purist--I love me some 8-tracks! You see, I think it's a shame that, in our modern world, we crave instant gratification so badly that we're not willing to listen to a whole three-song "program" of REO Speedwagon songs until we get to "In Your Letter." Ka-junk! Ka-junk!
Number of Piercings: I have never pierced anyone. My record is clean.
Number of Tattoos: I'm not very good at drawing, so I've never done a lot of tattooing. Besides, the guys are always waking up right about the time I finish carving the "R-O-B," so I guess you could say I don't have any completed works under my belt--or under theirs! Ha!
Number of things in my Past I Regret: OK, look. I know they weren't the most upstanding of men, but do we really need to reduce ourselves to their level and call them "things"? Take the high road--that's my motto! Besides, selling their kidneys to those guys from El Salvador really helped me to achieve "closure." Recommended!
