I'm a bit of an urban-dwelling media whore. But like a media whore with character. You know: a sailor's mouth, unsightly fashion-sense, endearing addictions and a heart of gold. Oh, and STDs. Lots and lots of STDs.
<[b> Correction: I've recently been made aware by the good people who design those curved, hard plastic Public Health warnings we've all seen on public transit that we're supposed to ditch the whole STD acronym and instead start endorsing the term STIs , i.e. Sexually Transmitted Infections .
Ridiculousness I say! I mean if we're really serious about preventing the spread of inane definitions for sexually-induced illness', then what we need to do is jump off of this PC wall once and for all, grow a pair of shiny brass ones, and send this organic concept of STIs back to the hemp-lined drawing board of the vegan brain-trust who insist on ignoring the truth by sticking their heads in the sand like a flock of free-range ostriches.
It's time to face facts folks! This is our Vietnam! We need to get on board the Straight-Talk Express and unite like a million-man march for the adoption of a new acronym: " STZs ". Yep... there ain't nothing that'll shrivel up your happy bits quite like the possibility of contracting the weeping genital sores of Sexually Transmitted Zombie Syndrome.
I mean, if you were given the 'from-the-hip' Sue Johanson straight goods on STZs would you really risk letting some hardbody pre-law stud ply you all night with Jaggermeister-shots knowing there was a plausible chance of waking up the next morning with a roofie headache and a case of full-blown Sexually Transmitted Zombie Syndrome? Hmm..., congrats hon, not only won't you be having any periods for the next 9 months, but think of all the weight you'll gain what with the cravings for pickles, ice cream and, oh yeah, BRAINS!!! Ben & Jerry's 'Cherry Garcia' might not satisfy your hunger, but Ben & Jerry themselves just might. And the less said about early Zombie morning sickness the better.
If we don't intervene while we still have the numbers on our side, the zombie-welfare class, left unchecked to their own depraved vices, will have inter-bred to the point of STZ saturation and the epidemic will become, rather ironically, impervious to any and all Public Health warnings, PC or otherwise.
Hell, I won't even be able to get halfway through reading the new STZ ads on the bus home from work before the girl with the cute pixie cut I noticed sitting across from me violently erupts from her seat and lunges at me through the swaying swarm of semi-autistic 9-to5ers that fill the aisle between us. Her crackled eyes mimic her bloodthirsty shrieks as she rips the iPod headhpones from out of my ears; a frenzied ballet of fingernails and torn skin that distracts me long enough so as not to notice her sharpened canine teeth until they've anchored themselves deep into my skull.
The bus driver, either oblivious to my screams or satiated from an earlier feeding, blindly continues to pick-up and drop-off his passengers. No-one notices or seems to care as the girl who was my fleeting bus crush starts gnawing feverishly through my temporal lobe, severing the nerves which now rendered me incapable of hearing or even comprehending my own soon-to-be-silenced screams.
Ah, but life is not without it's humor. Like all good things in life, be they media, violence, drugs, sex... it's all just a matter of time until the you get that tickle in your tummy, and you realize it's time to get off the couch and join in on the feeding frenzy.
I guess that's why I'm a just a media whore and not a real one. It also might explain why I suffer from both major depression and the debilitating isolation & crushing loneliness that are the inevitable results of such an affliction.
But... at least for the time being, I'm safe from the outside dangers of STZs ...
...FOR NOW!!!
I'd like to meet:
Stephen Colbert , as he presents my second installment of the On Notice board!
Music:
In no particular order...
Belle and Sebastian, Neko Case, Scissor Sisters, The New Pornographers, The Verve, The Detroit Cobras, Emmylou Harris, Gram Parsons, Underworld, Spiritualized, Spacemen 3, My Bloody Valentine, Ride, Now It's Overhead, Sufjan Stevens, Marah, Lily Allen, The Pipettes, Stars, Amy Millan, Broken Social Scene, Antony and The Johnsons, The Magic Numbers, Ellen Allien, Everything But The Girl, The Fiery Furnaces, Gillian Welch, Kate Rusby, Interpol, James, Jamie Lidell, Bjork, LCD Soundsystem, Gang Of Four, M.I.A., M83, Sasha, Telefon Tel Aviv, Mates Of State, Mazzy Star, Minus The Bear, Nada Surf, The National, Noonday Underground, The Notwist, Sam Cooke, Paul Simon, The Doors, Bruce Springsteen, Elton John, The Perishers, Young Heart Attack, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Wolf Parade, Arcade Fire, The Velvet Underground, Talking Heads, Tom Waits, The Streets, Embrace, Ted Leo/Pharmacists, The Shins, Cat Power, Bright Eyes, Radiohead, Jerry Lee Lewis, Primal Scream, Pixies, The Smiths, Joy Division, New Order, Portishead, Massive Attack, !!!, Sarah Harmer, Rilo Kiley, Asobi Seksu, The Black Angels, The Knife
As you can see, I likey the music
Movies:
Breaking The Waves, Head-On, Lost In Translation, All The Real Girls, The Muppet Movie, Ghost World, Footloose, Magnolia, Morvern Callar, Bottle Rocket, In America, Suicide Circle, Gozu, Who The Hell Is Juliette?, Le Samourai, Children Of Paradise, Code 46, Ratcatcher, George Washington, V For Vendetta, The Descent, Battle Royale, Human Traffic, West Side Story, Requiem For A Dream, The Passion of Joan of Arc, The Godfather, Blue Velvet, Sex Lies and Videotape, Boogie Nights, M, Thirty-Two Short Films About Glenn Gould, On The Watefront, Long Days Journey Into Night, Who's Afraid Of Virgina Woolf, The Celebration, Wings Of Desire, Run Lola Run, Ruby In Paradise, Brick
Television:
The Simpsons, Twin Peaks, 24, The Office (UK and USA), Prison Break, Arrested Development, Family Guy, Futurama, South Park, My Name Is Earl, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Muppet Show, American Idol, The Wire, House, Battlestar Galactica,
Books:
One Hundred Days Of Solitude, Neuromancer, Microserfs, Girlfriend In A Coma, The Intuitionist, On The Road, The Grapes Of Wrath, The Last Magician, Out (by Natsuo Kirino), The Bell Jar, A Scanner Darkly, Watchmen, The Pornographer's Poem, American Psycho, The Ticket That Exploded, Beloved, The Sound And The Fury, Snow Crash, A Confederacy Of Dunces, VALIS, The Divine Invasion, The Transmigration Of Timothy Archer, Blindness, Foucault's Pendulum, The Word For World Is Forest, The Southeast Asian Book Of The Dead, Rosey The Baby Killer and Other Stories, Fox In Socks, East Van
Heroes:
It's on Mondays @ 9:00 on NBC
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