Jenni

*Cum On Feel the Nose* A Terrified English teacher last night old how she almost drowned after a drug addled farmer squirted up her nose. Fighting back tears, Jennifer McKenzie (27) revealed agrarian menace, Tommy Coyne, performed the disgusting act during a romp in Renfrew. She sobbed: “It was supposed to be a dream romantic break but instead Tommy used my nose like some kind of twin tunnel vagina.” Mckenzie first met Coyne during a bizarre night club accident. But she was soon won over with his tales of derring do. Mckenzie explained; “I had been living in Alicante for four months when I bumped into Tommy at a rave. He soon told me all about himself, saying that Hooch gave him a hard on and that he had a body like a bin bag stuffed full of links. I thought he was funny and charming and agreed to meet him in Bilbao. He seemed perfectly normal. We went for dinner and drinks and chatted the night away.” But McKenzie told how a second romantic visit turned to horror after Coyne revealed his deviant side. Shaking, McKenzie went on: “I felt comfortable with Tommy. He had been such a gentleman in Bilbao, so when he suggested we meet in Renfrew I agreed immediately. The date started wonderfully. He had brought me a gift and made sure that I had my favourite green tea. I suppose I was naïve. But when he handed me a cigarette and asked me to smoke it, I did so. It was only later I realised he he’d given me some reefer. My head started to feel woozy and I wasn’t comfortable in the room anymore but I couldn’t move. I remember Tommy saying something about how he was going to sit on me. I thought he was joking but the next thing I knew he was straddled across my shoulders rubbing his pie against my face.” McKenzie – a self confessed sexual ambivalent – went on: “It was clear from the nick of his pie that Tommy was aroused. I wanted to cry out ‘no’ but the words didn’t seem to come. Unfortunately for me, Tommy's pie did. Jets of thick mince shot up both my nostrils - some also splattered me in the eye, blinding me. Instinctively I breathed in but of course that just made the meat run down the back of my throat, burning and choking me. I was gasping for breath as the gravy filled my lungs.” McKenzie explained that she thought she was going to die as Coyne’s greasy pie-oil blocked her throat. She said: “I was fighting for air. My chest felt as if it was going to collapse. And then I started to feel blissful, just like you read about when people are drowning and all I could think about was, ‘I’m going to die: they’re going to find me here, drowned in pie’. But just as I felt I couldn’t take another breath, I found some inner strength and exhaled violently. Around three quarters of a pastie shot out of my mouth and nose, landing on some flying saucer sweeties, which began fizzing and popping as the gravy dissolved them. Tommy just stood there laughing and saying ‘yeah, baby you’re so hot’. He had a camera in his hands and he suggested I lick the mince off the bed. I was still confused and agreed to do it. God knows what I was thinking. Tommy Coyne is a disgusting man, and other women should know what he’s like. I would advise them to have nothing to do with him. On september 9th, I am going to live with him.” ENDS