Challenge #1: To try and get through this section without being (a) pretentious, (b) unfunny and (c) racist.
Don't hold your breath:
I live in the barren post-apocalytpic wasteland that is Ynysybwl, South Wales. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister named Bradley, Wesley, Ashley, Blakeley, Kimberley and Macauley.
I also have a sister in law and a little nephew named Harrison (Biggest. Eyes. Ever). My parents possibly overdid it, reproductive wise, but what the hell, China's more crowded than the Bwl.
Anyone who knows me knows I like (understatement) films (see list) particularly Memento (2001) and particularly film noir (genre/movement/fucking hot dog stand/whatever).
I study Film and Media at Glamorgan University looking to a career in film. As if thats going to happen. Not only am I severly lacking in talent and charisma, but also facial colour and tone.
I spend most of my time drinking, talking and murmuring homo-erotic outbursts with my clan of gayness and wisdom, Doctor Blood Diamond Dave Berry Foley and Fearless Rees. You're bound to see us in Cardiff next year making noises down dark alleys.
I love steaks, coffee, Coors beers, my iPod and I'm quite partial to a cigar. I like music, but not the shit you hear on the radio or on the playlist in Virgin Megastore. Fuck that.
I like early rock (The Doors, Hendrix) and stuff from the early 90's (Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins).
I think Music as a medium is a bit like Chandler from Friends (1994), it started out really great and entertaining, then just got pussy-whipped and unfunny when it started going out with Monica.
I work at Showcase Cinemas, which while the pay isn't great, a majority of the people are - Chrissy Bear Rees, Liz Cookie, Cooper, Stevie Knowles, Craig Masters, Shane "Rape and death etc" Hatsum Lewis, Lewis The Man and anyone else who's priveleged to be hugged by me.
It's a cool place to work when we're not being suppressed by petty materialists who just wanna make a buck through low brow films such as Black Christmas and Material Girls. Oh and Spider-Man 3; say what you will, that Jazz scene was the gayest thing ever in any film)
I hate people who do adverts (you can say what you want in defense of selling out, its still sucking giant cock, Chris), Moulin Rouge, ugly people, The Arctic Monkeys (they suck) and anyone or anything that's involved with the above.
I have a extreme phobia of heights and carpets that are scratched with fingernails. I like darkly coloured clothes as opposed to lightly coloured ones (not in the emo or gothic sense though, I am actually happy).
When I was little I wanted to work as an animator for Disney, somewhere along the road I got sidetracked and chose a cinema on the industrial estate instead.
People who I look up to, if I had to narrow them down, include Clint Eastwood, Ricky Gervais, Orson Welles, Chris Cornell, Guy Pearce and Christian Bale. People I look down at with extreme hatred and disgust include Robbie Williams, Ben Affleck, John Wayne and Lord of the Rings fans.
I am a quiet,shy individual, except when I'm drunk, which is when I'm quite loud and boystrous. I've been told I'm funny, but the person who told me that is a liar.
P.S I'm available for children's partiesOh well, guess I failed. Stay tuned, kids.
