My name is Gregory Ivan Allen. I was born Aug 15th, 19XX with a piece of J.C. Penny stainless steel flatware in my mouth. I scratched and clawed my way out of the upper middle class ghetto of North Hollywood, Calif. to become the feared yet loved pariah that I am today. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I write award winning operas and translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I can pilot a bicycle up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook two minute eggs in less than a minute. I have been known to remodel subway stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat dispersion. Occasionally, I trade ribald jests with heads of state. I have worked tirelessly in Adobe Photoshop for the last 8 years. I am an expert in glass bricklaying, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil. I breed prize-winning clams. I often pay my bills on time, I only perspire when asleep. I prefer digital to film, however I don't believe either to be superior. I wrote and produced a film for Paris Hilton, and refused to have sex with her. Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from an attack of ferocious army ants. I can read ancient Egyptian manuscripts in the original Sanskrit. I think that flash photography is dishonest, but sometimes necessary.
I edit my photos on a rapidly failing PC I built with my own hands. I am an abstract sculptor, a master archer, and a ruthless bookie. I once met the Dali Llama and unknowingly offered him a bite of my hot dog. I own many of Kevin Gilberts early 80s recordings and periodically annoy the neighbors by playing them at high volume. I sleep only fifteen minutes a night and I do so standing up. It is not true that I performed covert operations for the CIA. I think Peter Gabriel was a brilliant artist until he underwent EST training. I am an unselfish lover, an investor in the Chinese stock market, a rabble rousing activist, and an inspiration to freedom fighters everywhere. My father was a stand up comic, my mother, a singer. Children trust me. I can use electronic devices without reading the manual. I do not own a PlayStation,,, or a snowboard. I was the bass player and songwriter in Larger Than Life. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I get Monty Python. I think Macs ARE for dummies. I firmly believe The Beatles were the greatest band EVER and once met Francis Ford Coppola. I got my first camera when I was 10.
