I get the feeling that no one on here is gonna call themselves an asshole, so I won't be the first one to do it. Besides, I'd be lying. Usually. I mean.... not usually that I'm an asshole, but usually that if I were to call myself that, I'd be lying. Not that I'm a liar or anything. The times I call myself an asshole, I'd be telling the truth, but that would be unusual (that is, calling myself an asshole would be unusual (as opposed to telling the truth would be unusual)); and, if I were to call myself an asshole in a usual way, I'd be lying. But, because I'm not a liar, I don't usually call myself an asshole, though, in an unusual situation, I can.
So, if you insist on the truth (which may or may not include seemingly asshole-like color), I'm the guy. Years from now, you will be thankful you met someone like me.
Hakuna Matata.