I am a familiar presence in international spelling bees and logician tournaments. I was formerly employed by the CIA as a forger, after which I became a UN translator of ethnic slurs. After painting countless masterpieces sought after by the world's most elite collectors, directing 12 Oscar-winning films, recording 2 one-hit-wonders under separate stage names, and discovering a new form of aspirin derivative in the Suriname (Surinam) rainforest, I am now learning to exploit the seven deadly sins and perfect the Jedi mind trick. One day I hope to use my fortunes to relieve the 49ers from York's retarded hands and restore them to their natural, due glory.
I spend most of my paychecks on food and shoes; and I spend most of my time zoning out. I have an unnatural obsession with the Mafia and an unnatural fear of insects.
Dogs love me.
I smell like Life-Savers.
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