†I'm not the only lonely boy†

-Once you have GIVEN UP THE GHOST, everything follows dead certainty, even in the midst of chaos. From the beginning it was never anything but chaos: it was a fluid which enveloped me, which i breathed in through the gills. In the sub-strata, where the moon shone steady and opaque, it was smooth and fecundating; above it was a jangle and a discord. In everything i quickly saw the opposite, the contradiction, and between the real and the unreal the irony, the paradox. I WAS MY OWN WORST ENEMY. There was nothing i wished to do which i could as well not do. Even as a child, when i lacked for nothing, I WANTED TO DIE. i wanted to surrender because I SAW NO SENSE IN STRUGGLING. i felt that nothing would be proved, substantiated, added or subtracted by continuing an existence which i had not asked for. Everybody around me was a failure, or if not a failure, RIDICULOUS. Especially the succesful ones. THE SUCCESFUL ONES BORED ME TO TEARS. I was sympathetic to a fault, but it was notsympathy that made me so. It was a purely negative quality, a weakness which blossomed at the mere sight of human misery. I never helped any one expecting that it would do any good; I helped because i was helpless to do otherwise. What was most annoying was that at first blushpeople usually took me to be good, to be kind, generous, loyal, faithful. Perhaps i did possessed these virtues but if so it was because I WAS INDIFFERENT; since i was free of envy..i hate skool, indeed, skool sux, big time. i hate politics. i would rather put a bullet in my head. i hate seeing teeny boppers, it makes my blood burst into angst that would imaginatively motivate me to kill like a crazy. i love commuting; everytime i commute, i feel like my spirit is free. it drains my worries. i love walking alone, especially if im with a stick of cancer in my mouth. i'm a bulimic. though i didn't intend to bulimify myself. i was once sealed in a one year relationship. but i break the barrier, i almost killed the one who adopted me for such a long time. he used to be my only star, but he's now part of my past. i love music. i was a victim of emo thread. yes it's dready. i am sometimes over unannounced. i am forbidden to speak the true lies. very oxymoron, isn't it? im a victim of insomnia, or maybe it's just a curse.i don't care if you love me or hate me...i'm just being indifferent...