I was born in Redhill, a small backward town in Surrey outside of London. My parents, making the very wise decision to leave, transported the family to Sutton sometime in the early 80s- a glorious town in South London famed for its liberal outlook, art scene, and quality restaurants. As a youth I patrolled the streets with my fellow street urchins, dodging white dog poo looking for food and trouble. During this time I was placed in a couple of learning buildings where my head was crammed with stuff in an attempt to make a human being out of me. When adolescence hit I discovered the joys of engaging in deviant acts with members of the fragrant sex. I vowed to become an expert in them all but only ever really mastered the art of solo love making. Managing to keep my hands out of my pants for long enough to sit some exams I got some qualifications and headed with all my worldly belongings in an Asda bag to Reading University. Here my eyes were opened to the wonderful world of afternoon TV, cheap booze, malnutrition, credit cards, loans, overdrafts and debt. Somewhere along the way I got a little bit sad and shaved all my hair off...I looked like a prick which was a help of sorts 'cos it cheered me up no end. They chucked me out for a bit but let me back in 'cos I asked nicely and promised never to do it again. More exams and an excellent mark of 'Pass' qualified me for the exciting career of Telephonist in a call centre in Theale, Berks. Not quite believing my luck I got stuck in wholeheartedly into the giddy vocation that is telephone banking - talking to idiots and working Saturday nights. Unfortunately despite my best efforts I suffered a burn out so had to leave my dream career and return meekly to Sutton. Help was at hand as I was offered an outstanding job with a pensions company in Dorking, a return to my roots of sorts, as it is just down the road from Redhill. Here, due to my London wiles, cocky strides and musky odours I was treated as something of a god by the local simple folk whose quaint ways and customs I found delightful if a little intellectually challenged. For three years I ploughed my furrow there, revolutionising the company and touching everyone I met deeply with my sage advice and knowing ways. Eventually, however, I had to move on - I could hear the world calling so I decided to piss off 'round it for 8 months. That done I returned back to the one true place I could ever call home, my Mum and Dad's. I went back to the pension company where I will be until I emigrate to Stockholm in July. Peace out, homies

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