About Me
Well, I was born originally in Ruggsville county, as Johnny Lee Johns. I spent a small part a my childhood in the Ruggsville county home for orphaned boys till I got myself adopted by a black pastor named Theodore Jensen Rhodes and his family. While I was there, me and the pastor's son, Charlie, well me and him became best buddies. Soon after that, I gained an interest in fucked up sideshows and crime photos. Now that bastard Rhodes, he was a son of a bitch, made me and Charlie work out on his farm dusk till dawn, whole goddamn 160 acres of it. Round' 35, there was a "mysterious" fire, killin both Theodore and his wife. Cops suspected arsen, but no one was arrested. Thanks to them federal subsidies, me and Charlie didnt have to farm the land no more, so me and him moved into the barn. I'm 18 at the time, and my murderin career begins as the clown "Mr. Ding-Dong A Boo-Boo". Charlie starts sellin this piss moonshine called "hoochie-koochie hooch". I changed my name to Pig-Fucker Jones soon after that, but no one hired me for parties no more, so me and Charlie invested in the moonshine buisness and opened up a whore house called the "Dew Drop Inn". There was an "incident" there, where some son of a bitch starts slappin the girls around, so I stabbed him, 47 times, carved out his eyes and his naughty parts, and we bury him in Longwood Creek, and ever since then, Charlie gave me the knick name, "Cutter". Now Charlie, the genious he is, gets caught with 20 pounds of marijuana in his car, and gets carted off to jail. Now with my brother in jail, I started up the clownin buisness again. 46', 47, I met a lady named Eve Wilson, (Mother Firefly to you dumb fucks out there). Eve here was a first class whore, and already had two bastard kids of her own, Rufus and Tiny. Quite soon after that, me and the whore turned out another kid, Verra-Ellen, (or "Baby"). Around 65' I met a stranger in towned named Otis B. Driftwood, and before you know it, he's livin with the family, like he's one of our own. Driftwood in fact, named the family the Fireflies, and gave me my name, Captain Spaulding. 1971, while Otis and Baby are out killin round the country, I start my grand dream, my roadside nightmare, "Captain Spaulding's Museum Of Monsters And Madmen". Around this time, me and Mamma call it quits, and I move out to build my buisness. I get thrown in the slammer for about 8 months for tryin to feel up a girl in the back of my museum, but after that, the victims started rollin in, thanks to my infamous "Murder Ride". Its success is all on account of local Doctor Satan myth, but ol' Doctor Satan is just a figment of my imagination, meant to draw them curious young ladies to my den of horror. Now I've been here ever since, cookin up fried chicken and hackin the shit outta folks!The CricketSoda Myspace Editor
