Major Frank Burns - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Okay, number one, I served in this man's army for six years, and am currently serving in the National Reserves- actually, it's the Fort Wayne Lion's Club Action Force Strike Team, but it's a legitmate, fully functional military unit so I still get to be called, "Major." Number two, no, I will NOT be posting ANY more pictures of my beautiful daughters on this website EVER AGAIN!! The comments some of you degenerates posted were disgusting! They are teenage girls and how they get their legs tanned is THEIR business! And to suggest that any of them- and, in one case, all of them at once- would actually be interested in engaging in- Oh, just send your perverted suggestions to someone else! Or we'll just have to see what Tom has to say about it! That's right, Tom, the Myspace big shot! If you think I'm above telling on you, then you don't know Frank Burns! And, although no one has asked, I think I should tell you that I will not be posting any more photos of my darling wife; Louise, either. I can't believe some of the horrible things you rude miscreants said about that dear, sweet woman! To say that Janice Ian would call her homely, now what purpose does that serve? To say that a drunken Sandra Bernhard would be a more alluring sexual partner, how does that help anything? That's just being hurtful. Well, if you want to be hurtful, how about being hurtful for America? How about being hurtful in Iraq? We'll see how smart your pants are then, Mr. Smarty-pants! I will not be posting any more pictures of my yacht- It is too a yacht! It's fourteen feet! Well, it WAS fourteen feet before the bow snapped off. Well, you won't get to look at it any more anyway so put THAT in your bowl and peel it. And no more pictures of my wonderful home- What am I, crazy?! With all you lunatics walking around out there, let you see where I live, what my house looks like?! Not in this lifetime, Bub!

My Interests

Good clean American living. Taking care of my family. Treating any and every patient in need who shows up at my office, with a major credit card between ten and four Monday through Thursday.

I'd like to meet:

General MacArthur, Albert Switzer, Jessica Alba

Music:

Oh, something very musical, with a nice melody, without being too loud or ghetto-like. The Lettermen were very good.

Movies:

The Green Berets, The Guns of Navarone, Stroker Ace, and anything with Christopher George.

Television:

McCloud, Rockford Files, Alice, Columbo, Hec Ramsey, The "A" Team, She's the Sheriff, The Liar's Club

Books:

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one book they call The Good Book, and that one book is good enough for me, any version you like- except the jewish one, or that crazy radical muslim one.

Heroes:

Julius Ceasar, Robert Conrad, The Hager Twins

My Blog

keeping the home fires burning

The following is a letter I wrote to Louise from Korea. I found it in the attic next to a box of old medical equipment I swiped. ...
Posted by Major Frank Burns on Sun, 18 Dec 2005 06:49:00 PST

My American Pledge of Honor

I; Major Frank Burns, do solemnly swear, to serve my country, to the best of my ability, in whichever capacity she might need me. Except combat. An unfortunate skin condition prevents me from mixing...
Posted by Major Frank Burns on Mon, 12 Dec 2005 12:20:00 PST

simmering rage

The following is a copy of a letter I have written to a Mr. Robert Vogelman, my neighbor who lives directly across the street from me. Listen up, Vogelman, this isn't that foo-foo cosmetics salesma...
Posted by Major Frank Burns on Sat, 10 Dec 2005 11:27:00 PST