Bowel Down And Kiss My Ass

I'd like to meet:

Just my grandmother that I never got to meet cause she died at 49. For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know; take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this... I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863 ............ [***Keep reading, it gets better.] The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass; there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while, things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying," Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up. The jackass said," Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said, "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. It was Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Music:

Saliva, Limp Bizkit, Breaking Benjamin, Sublime, Rammstein, Hollywood Undead, Staind, Celldweller, 311, Daughtry, and much more.

Movies:

I'm the Juggernaut Bitch!

Sasquatch Water Bowl Prank, Internet Only

Sasquatch Binoculars Prank

Funny Commercial - Dutch Woman driving a car

Bear Commercial

Television:

tv sucks except for masn.

Books:

Alex Cross novelsWATCH THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE!!! AMAZING

Heroes:

Anyone on the Hereford Basketball team the past three years, especially Joey Mowell, and Suzanne Stettinius for not ditching me like everybody else of the opposite sex (and for being the best pure athlete I have ever seen), and my old buddy Chris Fort that moved away 7 years ago that was my long lost twin (we had everything in common) and my pimpin cousin Nick, and my best friend Todd for being a good friend to me and everyone, and for his being a firefighter and saving people and good shit like that, and Krissy Upchurch and KT and Rae for being some of the nicest girls I have ever met. Can't forget my main man Macio for being real and genuine, which not enough people are. Not to mention he's one cool son of a bitch. And let's not forget Dave "The Slave" Moore and Tim "Deuce" Scherer for being logical and funny, respectively. And of course, the Villa Julie basketball team for their amazing season this year. They are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. I am so proud of them. Coolest guys ever. Yeah, so I have lots of heroes, so what?