I was raised by a family of acrobatic wolves.
Perhaps you have heard of us: Los Lobos Acróbatas.
Yes, I was breast fed.
They refuse to go to therapy with me, but that's their issue not mine.
I do not blame them for this.
They once had a very bad experience at the Vet.
My evil twin brother Maolo was touted as an expert thrower of flaming machetes. (Si piensas era yo que hizo o dijo algo terrible, él no era yo. Era Maolo.)
After we left the burnt down circus and its one-armed, two-toed, one-eared, blind, burn scarred ringmaster, I was the only one that did not become an attorney.
(I must confess that I still occasionally use flea and tick shampoo. También capturo ardillas y conejos, pero los libero para capturar otro dÃa.)
I attempt to live only by two rules.
Rule Number 1: Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Rule Number 2: No Bad Poetry. (Is that not really the summation of Rule Number 1?)
Sometimes in the evening I like to sit outside and behold the beauty of the sun set and the glory of the night sky. As I am contemplating the innumerable stars, the vastness of the universe and my place of significance in all that has been wonderfully and majestically created my mind always wanders to this most important thought.
If another extraterrestrial flushes their toilet over my house they are going to receive one very nasty letter.
Soy Batman.
Soy Zorro.
Soy la leyenda de la máscara negra.
I believe that Roger Moore is the Sean Connery of James Bonds.
Sometimes I dream that I am awake, but when I awaken I am sleeping.
I am the world's largest collector of baboon art.
That is art created by baboons.
I have one piece.
I am like an Altoid Peppermint.
Curiously strong, yet minty fresh.
I lost a staring contest with Andrea Bocelli.
I could not make him blink.
I love beans.
Además de habas, el café y el chocolate son mis verduras preferidos.
(Claro que sÃ, son verduras. Son del reino de planta.)
¿Y tú?
I perform all my own stunts.
I have a gun in the shape of a cross made from Kryptonite.
It shoots silver bullets and is also a flame thrower.
The next party I give that Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein, and Superman are on the guest list and they get out of control as they usually do at parties I will pull out my gun and say,
“Hey, cool it! Don’t make me use this!â€
Decaffeinated Espresso should be called "Depresso."
I love to time travel.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
I have a recurring dream that I am Zorro and I am surrounded by all the great Dons of California.
Don Knotts.
Don Reekles.
Don Yohnson.
Don Osmond
Don Duck.
My cereal never gets soggy.
I am a volunteer teacher at a local community college.
I teach two classes.
"Let Us Learn You To Talk English Good"
and
"Aprendes a el español de modo que te sepas lo que Latinos estamos diciendo sobre ti."
I am multilingual, but mostly I speak hypothetically...
...in the language of love.
I know all the words to the Star Wars Theme.
In my house in Argentina I have a very large well furnished comfortable room that I use for entertaining.
I refer to this as the "Conversation Pit".
There is only one requirement to enter.
You must take an oath of silence.
Aquà está otra pista para ustedes. La morsa era Paolo.
In one breath I can say, "Johann Gambolputty de Von Ausfern- Schplenden-Schiltter-Crasscrenbon- Fried-Digger-Dingle-Dangle-Dongle-Dungle- Burstein-Von-Knacker-Thrasher-Apple-Banger- Horowitz-Ticolensic-Grander-Knotty- Spelltinkle-Grandlich-Grumblemeyer- Spelterwasser-Kurstlich-Himbleeisen- Bahnwagen-Gutenabend- Bitte-Ein- Nürnburger-Bratwustle-Gerspurten- Mitz-Weimache-Luber-Hundsfut- Gumeraber-Shönendanker-Kalbsfleisch- Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopft of Ulm."
Me encanto el EEUU porque allà tenemos el mejor de todo. En los EEUU soy un latÃno. En mis paÃses de España y de la Argentina soy solamente un hombre y un buen ciudadano. Muchas veces en los EEUU en ciudad grande o ciudad pequeña me han preguntado, “¿Tú qué eres?†Soy un ciudadano del mundo. Nacà en España, pero también tengo ciudadanÃa de los EEUU y Argentina. Mi herencia es español, griego, italiano, y anglo. Tengo la familia y amigos por todas partes. Viajo mucho. Puedes encontrarme dondequiera. Últimamente, sobre todo en los EEUU y la Argentina. Muchas idiomas que entiendo, pero deseo ser fluido en la lengua del amor. Nunca he sabido que cualquier persona que era amó demasiado.
Tengo un rancho en la Argentina. CrÃo los gyros y lo vendo a los restaurantes griegos en todo el mundo.
My dog Paco is available for dating.
He will go out with you and you will have a great time, but do not expect a long term commitment. He is as loyal as a dog, but like a dog when he smells a new woman...
His favorite expression is: "No sos vos soy Yo.
"He likes long walks on the beach and eating at "good" restaurants.
He can order in French and Mandarin.
Although it gives him gas, which he blames on the cat, he really loves mystery meat.
He has a love affair with that funny looking meat on a stick from Chinese restaurant buffets.
He is sensitive and likes to cuddle.
He has his own car, beach house, and wine cellar.
(Does your boyfriend have these?)
He is a Licensed Pet Therapist.
He does not love Raymond.
He likes to tell everyone he meets that he performs Shakespeare in the Park.
Unlike many talking animals, he is not an actor.
Shakespeare is his code word for mierda.
He loves sports, especially frisbee, futbol, pato, chew the shoe, and swimming.
He once caught a car.
(A Volvo--now do you think you are safe?)
He says he is a Republican, but he always votes for Democrats.
He Tivos all the CSI shows, George Lopez, Desde Galicia Para El Mundo, Sabado Gigante, Bugs Bunny, Sanford and Son, and everything in which Diane Sawyer and Kate del Castillo appear.
He has one gold tooth and is considering a grill.
He thinks the film X Men is about a group of transexual super heroes.
He has a wet sense of humour.
He thinks Chicken Little, The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, any film with Hugh Grant, Richard Gere, or Foghorn Leghorn, and Chicken Run are all Chick Flicks.
He is never around at the same time as Super Dog.
He is allergic to Kryptonite.
In obedience school he was voted Most Likely to Impersonate Julio Iglesias.
Nevertheless, he impersonates Tom Jones.
He once bit Jerry Seinfeld, but let go quickly because he tasted funny.
Bigfoot was his roommate at Oxford.
He loaned George Lopez his leaf blower to use as a hair dryer.
He has a friend named SofÃa Angelina who writes jokes about dibujos animados and bichos raros.
He owns all the Veggietales DVDs and CDs.
He thinks people who have mullets (except for MacGyver, Rod Stewart, and Al Roker) should have their own ethnic group.
Such as,
"Asian, Pacific Islander;
White, Not Hispanic;
Black, Not Hispanic;
Hispanic;
Mullet, Not Hispanic."
He will hold your purse unashamedly while you shop.
He has a silent human whistle.
He has 47 children all named Jorge.
He thinks "Public Toilet" is an oxymoron or the phrase belongs in the Department of Redundancy Department--don't get him going on this (pun) he deliberates it ad nauseum.
In addition to Mandarin, English, Spanish, and French he speaks Cat, Duck, Cow, Tasmanian Devil, and Wombat.
Although he is multilingual, his ventriloquist dummy only speaks Spanish.
He prefers boxers over briefs.
He plays the violin.
He believes in predestination, but looks both ways before crossing the street.
His psychiatrist told the judge that it is OK for him to be around women, sharp objects, and Eric Estrada.
He uses mouthwash.
He sold on ebay for $400.00 an empanada that looked like Earl Hickey's mustache.
He was an extra in a Matt Damon movie and saw Charlize Theron's panties--she was not wearing them, they were in her open suitcase in her dressing room.
He will sniff your crotch, but that's just his way of being friendly and recognising you.
Although he loves dibujos animados, if he were stranded on Gilligan's Island with Bugs Bunny, they would have hasenfeffer for dinner.
Mary Ann would be his girlfriend because Ginger is too high maintenance and Eunice Wentworth Howell is married.
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