To begin with, I must apologize for using this field in what is by definition an inappropriate manner. What follows is not in any regard "about me". Yes, it is "about" something. "About" someone? Perhaps, but merely a fictional someone. As this myspace account has inexplicably been established to represent the human being known as Brian Risselada, I feel as though it is my part to intervene and declare that such an entity does not, has not, and (with the exception of a mathematically negligible probability) will never exist.
Many of you have undoubtedly heard of Brian Risselada and all of the spectacular lore surrounding this fictitious personage. As the story goes, he is currently residing on the north side of Chicago in an apartment building of questionable existence dubbed "The Castle". During the day it is said that he is employed by an insurance company in the Loop, a place so crowded with confusion and deception that no trusted evidence should ever be sought out of such a den of corruption. Many have claimed that by night Brian is often found engaging in the prolific world of the Chicago improv scene. A few have even proclaimed with relentless vigor that they have witnessed Brian perform such improvised acts often as a part of groups with such supposed names as "Very Real Cops" and "Monster Plantation" (sightings have also recently been placed at somewhere termed "The Annoyance"), but the proclaimers are few and often deemed psychotic lunatics upon further examination. Other more outrageous reports detail legends of Brian attending a church that he "really likes a lot" and, more recently, regularly attending a gym in a new commitment to increased health. Whatever the specifics of the various versions of this tall tale, it is ultimately irrelevant to my point.
Brian Risselada is a myth, obviously perpetuated by those who could care less about maintaining a realistic and truthful worldview of those cohabiting the society that is consistently swirling around them like a displaced communal whirlpool.
To attempt to disprove the existence of Brian Risselada would be fruitless for several reasons. For one, it would require philosophical explanations that could not be comprehended by most recipients or else would be over debated by intellectuals who have too much time on their hands after already reading all of the colorful books in their offices.
Secondly, the virtually universal acceptance of the condition that Brian Risselada already does exist and the fact that this belief is held on to so strongly (with often bloody grips) in all sensible practicality prohibits the media from exploring or perpetuating any theories that would suggest the opposite. Surely with the knowledge of the inevitable resulting outrage or possible disinterest, this would make about as much business sense as advertising a bathing suit that violently consumes the wearer's own genitals.
And one final point (among numerous conceivable others), this author feels as though there should be no need to be required to prove the quality of nonexistence of any particular item when the task of proving that such an item DOES (capitalization my own) exist is riddled with equal difficulty.
Next is the question of how the fabrication of this individual was conceived: While the question may be a daily struggle for those few elite who have ultimately accepted the reality that all that those around them have been severely deceived, answers are apparently unattainable. Scientists in this field who share my opinion have agreed that while not only does the person of Brian Risselada not exist, but answers to the origins of his legend do not exist either. Many who believe the former ignore the latter. And thus these Scientists stand to be among the most ridiculed and outcast members of the human race. True knowledge is isolation.
And thus with my belief that such an individual does not even possess the quality of existence, there should be no other qualities to discuss. For if existence is not present in the list of qualities possessed by any particular object, what is the point of discussing any further qualities? There can be no argument to their validity. Thusly, the mention of such traditional information usually included in this very section of myspace (i.e. place of birth, description and status of employment, general interests, and properties often preferred in potential mates of the opposite sex [or in the same sex if such an individual is homo- or bi-sexual which as stated before because of the quality of nonexistence is not a quality that could even by speculated as to whether it pertains to the imaginary Brian Risselada]) will have to be forgone.
Any customary closing comments would as well be less than applicable.
addendum: some anagrams for "Brian Risselada" which also don't exist:
Sir Adrenal Bias
Israeli Sandbar
"Badass" Ira Liner
Arabian Sliders
Rabid Linear Ass
Slain Arse Braid
Basilar Sardine
Real Bad Raisins
Sad Labia Rinser
Salaried Brains
Liar, Andrei Bass
and of course...
Alias Bird Snare