Bill Wonka - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I used to be the world's greatest candymaker, but now I'm retired and I live in a secret candy-flavored estate in Loompaland. Here I am free to take peyote and all my favorite hallucinogens to my sugar-coated heart's delight! I live with a few loyal oompa loompa servants, including my oompa-lover and muse, Lulu. I also have a pet monkey but we had to quarantine him last week.

My Interests

Chocolate, Vanilla, Cherry flavored syrup, sucking candies of all shapes and sizes, boating, visiting Loompaland, sitting on my ass eating gumdrops and singing obscure songs, military history

I'd like to meet:

Well, I'm pretty fucking sick of kids and midgets (no offense, Lulu). I want a real woman. Someone to lick giant lollipops with and go white chocolate water rafting. Someone with a sweet tooth and a sweeter temperment. In short...someone scrum-diddley umptious!

Music:

the screams of horrified children, al green

Movies:

Chocolat, Candyman III: Day of the Dead, Willow, Gangbangers IV

Television:

I watch cartoons but I don't know which ones because I am always high.

Books:

Anything by Roald Dahl

Heroes:

Dick Cheney, Mussolini, Walt Disney, Stalin, Ella Fitzgerald

My Blog

There really is no life like pure imagination

You know, I've been thinking: there really is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. I mean, how can any life compare with pure imagination? When you're imagining things, i...
Posted by Bill Wonka on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Why is it that every girl that I date puts on twenty pounds in the first month?

Why is it that every girl that I date puts on twenty pounds in the first month? I mean, just because I live in a sugar coated house made of graham crackers, with seven kitchens, butter on tap, an...
Posted by Bill Wonka on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST