Jamie - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I'm more than meets the eye, but sadly, I'm not a Transformer. I wield brutal honesty and deep-rooted hostility. I can throw my voice, but only if I throw myself first. I have taught the deaf to hear, the blind to see, and the Sox to win. I can see what's behind your eyes, yet I can't see through your head to the television. I can pull nails out of wood with my bare hands. I have a porn collection that should be on display at the Met. I am a trend-spotter, but not a trendsetter, nor a trend follower. I believe that if you were still reading the comics page in your newspaper, you wouldn't hate yourself so much. I am the original model for the Kung Fu Grip. I know what Meatloaf won't do for love. I have Buns of Cinnamon. I am everything that is wrong with America, and I am everything that is right about America. I am a force of nature, but sadly, it's just a lower-level disturbance. I can withstand the wind from an F-4 Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face. I can sell you things that you didn't know existed and never wanted to buy. I can kill what cannot die. I can tickle from 20 yards away. If I could name the best thing about me, it would have to be my pants. Well, sometimes one has to make sure that one's eyes don't bleed, so welcome to the new "black is the new black" profile. Now...with more black.

My Interests

Computers, reading, cat juggling, sawing people in half, sawing people into thirds, thinning out the herd, shoveling it faster and deeper than anyone else.

I'd like to meet:

Zombies. Large-breasted zombies. Large breasts. People who don't take themselves too seriously. People who take themselves WAY too seriously. And possibly you, if you meet at least one of the above requirements...preferably the breast one.

Music:

Aerosmith, Zombie-related artists, nine inch nails, Henry Mancini, Fear Factory, Rammstein, the Stanford Fleet Street Singers, da Vinci's Notebook, that guy who does the acoustic version of Highway to Hell at your local country club

Movies:

Noises Off!, Airplane!, Blazing Saddles, Conan the Barbarian, Midnight Madness (fagabefee!), Animal Crackers, A Day at the Races, A Night at the Opera, Cocoanuts, Duck Soup, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, anything that Russ Meyers wants to put on film, After the Fox, Murder by Death, Clue...and others...

Television:

Whatever's on at 1am, lots of Disney (as of late), Good Eats, Harvey Birdman, the Venture Bros., the Muppet Show, What's My Line (from the 50s, thank you), Sportscenter, Food Network Challenge (especially if they're making cake or barbecue)

Books:

Graham Masterton, Clive Barker (now with 15% more gay overtones!), Terry Pratchett, Robert Asprin, Isaac Adamson...

Heroes:

My son.

My Blog

Time Travel! Woo! Woo?

Tonight, I bring you a spine-snapping look into the horrors of war, the terror of time-travel, and the mesmerizing and hypnotic glasses of Dr. Millenium for the white-knuckled action of: Birdman vs. ...
Posted by Jamie on Fri, 20 Jun 2008 11:37:00 PST

It’s Birdboy! No! Not That One!

You'd think that I'd update this damn thing more often, but seeing as I can never figure out how to hold onto a steady job for more than two years at a time, I had to rearrange real life and get a few...
Posted by Jamie on Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:11:00 PST

The Boy vs. The Movies!

Many of you have heard me talk about the boy and his proclivities in the past. The ketchup, the Desitin, the fair. Well, now that the boy is four years old, I felt it was time for him to G...
Posted by Jamie on Thu, 01 May 2008 10:58:00 PST

You Can Wrap It In Gold, But It’s Still an Oscar

It's a new year, and once again, it's time for me to dish out the dirt on the movies that you didn't go see and tell you what's going to happen at this year's Oscar de la Hoya Awards, or the big gold ...
Posted by Jamie on Fri, 25 Jan 2008 10:32:00 PST

You’re Not Saving Money, Dammit.

Okay, let's get one thing straight. You're all about to head out and spend most of your money on stuff for people you can stand at the moment. And you're going to be enticed by advertiseme...
Posted by Jamie on Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:45:00 PST

Play Guitar Hero and Go To Hell!

If you haven't been told, or haven't physically talked to me in the past month, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Come a little closer. It's just between you and me. I prom...
Posted by Jamie on Fri, 23 Nov 2007 12:24:00 PST

Mr. Disenfranchised vs. MegaloRobertSmith

Okay, kids. It's time again to get your wallet out and take one for the team. Christmas is coming, and where would Christmas be without another round of gaming reviews by Mr. Disenfranchis...
Posted by Jamie on Sat, 17 Nov 2007 01:16:00 PST

Punditing the Punditry

There comes a time in everyone's life where they must look upon their peers, those around them that help to shape their world, and wonder what in the hell happened to them to make them so spiteful and...
Posted by Jamie on Sat, 17 Nov 2007 12:35:00 PST

Poetry Corner...with Mr. Disenfranchised...

Once upon a time, when the world was still cooling from the Big Bang, and dinosaurs were still just tiny, baby zygotes in a hard protective shell, I used to write poetry. It wasn't good, it wasn...
Posted by Jamie on Wed, 17 Oct 2007 12:54:00 PST

Visa. Get One Or Die In a Mudslide.

As if there weren't enough issues to deal with in the world today, what with war, famine, genocide, that Survivor show, and the Supreme Court, there's a new threat looming on the horizon. It's i...
Posted by Jamie on Mon, 01 Oct 2007 01:58:00 PST