....sarcastic, teller of jokes and speaker of bizarre monologues, known for cynical (and oft harsh) put-downs, owner of "really nice" eyes, future revoltuionary leader, child prodigy, Brandon Flowers obsessed, eloquent intellectual, slayer of dragons and winner of hearts, charmer, schemer and lover, poet and joker, king and pauper....a star
Once upon a time in a town not very far away, on the 19th day of the fair month of March, a quite momentous event occurred. This event would so shake the oundations of the very world around it that from that day forward nothing would ever be the same again.
In lamens terms this day marked the beginning of a very special life: the life of one 'Daniel Carrington'.
You may ask yourself what was so special about this child, you may ask yourself why exactly I have chosen to pen this story about a life that may sem to you trivial and uninteresting. I will tell you. I'm bored out of my fucking brain and so, despite the fact that Tess is telling me not to ('Dan, thats too long no-one will ever be bothered to read it') I will absolutely continue typing.
After around eighteen years of unremarkable life (except his being a child prodigy and general stud) Dan moved to his current abode: the 1940's styled Eastern Block-esque, Mulberry Court.
At university he found time to develop his talents at hunting down, trapping and generally amusing himself with various members of the male species (and continues to do so to this very day) while somehow still managing to drink, smoke and moan to an insane degree. He also sometimes found time to write a cock-eyed essay about psychoanalytic literary criticism or the development of the hero in ancient Greek literature. Sometimes.....
Thursday nights were always a special night for our dear hero as it was on this night that, clad in pinstripe pants, waistcoat and skinny tie, he would advance (in the company of the delightful Tash, the oft-innebriated Hanna, the Welsh Dan and the slightly, ever so slightly drunk Louise) down into town to G-Bar. It was here that he, along with Tash, would dance in a bizarre way to songs such as 'I touch myself' and 'Better the devil you know' (although always secretly he would be singing Mr Brightside in his head to keep himself sane, indie and within the realms of acceptable gayness).
These details are trivial and, after all, you're here for details about what our beautiful hero is like......
Daniel Carrington is perhaps the most sarcastic, bitchy and downright nasty piece of work in the whole universe and such is his brilliance that not one individual in the entire scope of this world is able to best (or indeed simply match him) at verbal jesting. Our man is able to scythe down his victims with a well aimed quip at any moment and very rarely resorts to the simple 'You're fat' line (although again he recognises its usefulness).
One of his greatest abilities dear reader is just how modest he is about his own accomplishments - he really does not like to blow his own trumpet. Indeed you would never catch him writing a hugely pretentious myspace profile section thingy like this one here (thats much more a thing that Tess would do - she is from Dorset and, as modesty has not yet been discoverd down there, we shall excuse her weakness in this matter).
But what of his opinions I hear you cry? What makes dear Daniel tick?
The simple answer here is treble whiskey and coke from The Pilgrim.
I sense you desire a more in depth answer. Bugger it, I thought that would do. I shall here pause for a second as I have just dropped burning ash onto my leg and would wish greatly to remove it before my leg hair catches alight!
.................................
I return. Well, Daniel is a rather intellectual kind of fellow (he even drinks loose leaf tea and has a teapot in his room) and so his opinions would take up far too much scope than this mere pin-prick of an entry will allow. Perhaps I will summarise:
1) On Alcohol - Dan loves whiskey. If there are any boys out there who desire Dan's heart and mind they would be best advised to visit Bargain Booze on the way up the hill and bring a bottle of Jack Daniel's with them. He is however also uite partial to Snakebite, Vodka, Beck's, Grolsch, White wine, Red wine, Jagermeister, Gin etc etc......
2) On Food - Cheese. Cheese is high on Dan's list of food priorities. Mix Dan and cheese and you have the perfect combination. Enough said really: words are incapbe of capturing the brilliance of cheese.
3) On Men - Generally men are high on Dan's priorities in life. He has a high opinion of their value in some situations (emphasis here is on SOME). When a man is sweet, good-looking, carrying alcohol and also has access to cheese Dan is quite capable of suspending judgement on certain failings that are shared by the whole male race. It would be highly beneficial to any man who desires our sweet hero that he despises back hair, people who are afraid of washing, men who dont understand that eyebrows are meant to come in PAIRS and men who only wish to smoke his ciggarettes, kiss him, fondle his backside and then piss off back to their friends.
4) On God - Dan does not believe in God. He only advocates the use of the capital 'G' just incase He does indeed exist and strikes Dan down with some form of malady ('Big up The Big Man' is not something Dan says often). One thing that really annoys Dan is the whole 'What would Jesus Do?' thing - honestly, Jesus had a track record of turning water into wine, hangin round with a bunch of dirty men who constantly touched eachothers feet and having large parties. Jesus was much more like a standard student than the church would have you believe! Next time you dont know what to do you may aswell cry 'What would Dan..Tash..Louise..Hanna..Leah..Tess..Lucci..Emma etc etc do?!'. At least we wont bugger off back to Heaven at the first sign of trouble!
Anyway, time grows short for me here and I am afraid one must depart. I shall leave the final word to our darling comrade Dan and his ode to STD sufferers everywhere. Goodnight sweet children.
That boy over there, well he's pretty hot
What a problem you'll see now that he's got
Inflamatory herpes and genital fleas!
Oh, how he ignores my gentle pleas,
To go to the clinic and simply ease
The irritable itching and unsightly blotches
That induce retching and fetching of multiple creams.
He may be quite hot but he always botches,
The final immutable act of my dreams,
Namely the removal of said STD's!
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