"Don't
worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing
it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty
Cobb, Joseph Stalin." (on death of cat).
"And
how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff
out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking
course, and I forgot how to drive?"
"I
won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm
lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll
the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight."
"It's
like something out of that twilighty show about that zone."
"Yes,
honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little
ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that
day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."
"OK,
son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if
you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Me
lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?"
"Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're
both potential murderers."
"No!
No no no no no no! Well, yes."
"Ah,
beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will."
"Well,
I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be
a league bowler!"
"They
have the Internet on computers, now?"
"Facts
are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
that's even remotely true!"
"When
I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I
just know they're about to jab me with something."
"Son,
this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not
okay to lose."
"Well
you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
You just have to read the manual and press the right button."
"If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth
doing.
"Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money
by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."
"Marge,
you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the
woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly
a comfort thing."
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"Kill
my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
"Lisa,
if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't,
it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as
hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Aw,
Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very
old man, and old people are useless."
"It's
not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day."
"Getting
out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced
against all races."
"Here's
to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's
problems."
"I'm
having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not
going to Church!"
"If
this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by
now."
