I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I don't perspire. Children trust me. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
"Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies." - Gore Vidal //"There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other." - Bing Crosby//I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time. - Charlie Brown//There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. - Anon//If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey //"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel? - Tom Shales//Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. - H. L. Mencken//Never play poker with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Algren's Law //If you are completely buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and spit in it. The saliva will fall dowj, giving you an idea of which direction is up. Dig up.//They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now. - Bob Monkhouse //A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - Stephen Crane//I don't intend to offend; I just offend with my intent. - Anthrax, Sound of White Noise//I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg//What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?//I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.//He who laughs last thinks slowest.//Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Bruce Graham//
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Heroes are for those who have Travis.