scott

it all started two thanksgivings ago, that is to say two years ago on thanksgiving, when a friend and I went over to visit my other friend Alice at her restaurant, but Alice doesn’t live in the restaurant she lives in the church nearby the restaurant in the bell tower with her husband ray and facho the dog, and living in the bell tower like that she had a lot of room downstairs where the pews used to be, now having all that room, seeing that they took out all the pews, they decided that they did not have to throw out there garbage for a LONG time, well we got up there and found all the garbage and we thought it would be a "friendly gesture" to take the garbage to the city dump, so we took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and loaded a half-a-ton of garbage in the back of a red vw micro bus, and drove off looking for the city dump, well we got there and there was a big sign and chain across the dump saying "closed on thanksgiving", now we had never heard of a dump closed on thanksgiving before and with tears in our eyes we drove off looking for another place to put the garbage, we didn't find one, until we came to a side road and off the side of the side road was a 15 foot cliff and at the bottom of the cliff was another pile of garbage, now we thought that one big pile was better than two little piles and rather than bring that one up we decided to throw ours down, and so we did, and we went back to the restaurant and had a thanksgiving diner that just couldn't be beat all went to sleep and didn't get up till the next morning, when we got a phone call from officer "Opie", he said "kid, we found an envelope with your name on it on the bottom of a half a ton of garbage and we just want to know if you had any information about it?", I said, "yes sir officer Opie, i put that envelope under that that garbage", well we talked on the telephone for about 20 minutes until we got to the truth of the matter and he said we had to pick up the garbage and he also said that we had to go talk to them down at the police officers station, so we took the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed off for the police officers station, now we figured that there was only one of two things that they could do to us down at the police officers station, and the first one was that they could give us medals for being so brave and honest on the telephone, but it didn't seem very likely and we didn't expect it, and the other thing was that they could ball us out and tell us not to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again, now that seemed a little more likely and it's what we expected, but when we got to the police officers station there was a third possibility that we had not even counted upon and we were both immediately arrested, handcuffed, and i said "but Opie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on", he said "shut up kid, get in the back of the patrol car", so we got into the patrol car and drove to the quote scene on the crime unquote, I want to tell you a little something about the town of Stockbridge MA where this is happening here, they got 3 stop signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the quote scene of the crime unquote there were 5 police officers and 3 police cars being the biggest crime of the last 50 years and everybody wanted to get in a newspaper story about it, and they were using all kinds of cop equipment that they had hanging around the station there, they had plaster tire tracks and dog sniffing foot prints, and they took 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, and they took pictures of the approach the get away the northwest corner the southwest corner and that is not to mention the aerial photography, well after the ordeal they took us back to the jail, and Opie said “kid, I’m going to put you in the cell, I need you wallet and your belt", and I said "I can understand you wanting my wallet so I don’t have any money to spend in the cell but what do you want my belt for", and he said "kid, we don't want any hangings", now I just looked at him and said "did ya really think I was going to hang myself for littering?", well Opie said he was just making sure and friends Opie was because he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drowned, and he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars throw the roll out the window climb down the roll and have an escape, well it was four or five hours later that Alice, you remember Alice, its a story about Alice, Alice came by and with a couple of nasty word to Opie on the side bailed us out of jail, and we went home and had a thanksgiving diner that just couldn’t be beat all went to sleep and didn’t get up till the next morning when we all had to go to court, well we were there and Opie was there and he had his 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, then the man walked in and said "all rise" and we stood up and Opie stood up and the judge walked in with a seeing eye dog, well he sat down and we sat down and Opie he looked at the seeing eye dog, then he looked at the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, then he looked at the seeing eye dog, the he looked at the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, then he looked at the seeing eye dog, and Opie started to cry because he came to the realization that this was a typical case of American blind justice and the judge wasn’t going to look at the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us, and we were fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that’s not what this story is really about, it's really about the draft, there's a building in New York city called white hall street, and you go in there and you get inspected detected infected neglected and selected, well I went in one morning to get my physical examination, and I got good and drunk the night before so I would look and feel my best when I went in that morning, 'cause I wanted to look like the all American kid from New York city, I wanted to feel like the all, I wanted to BE the all American kid fom New York city, and I walked in and I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all kinds of mean nasty things and I was just having a tough time sitting on the bench there, then the sergeant come over and said, "kid, see the psychiatrist room 602, so I walked up to the psychiatrist office there and in walked in and said, “shrink, I want to kill...Kill...KILL" I said" I WANT TO SEE BLOOD AND GORE AND GUTS AND VEINS IN MY TEETH, EAT DEAD BURNED BODIES, I WANT TO KILL.... KILL.....KILLLLLL" then I started jumping up and down yelling,"KILLLLLLLLLL.......KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL........KKKKKK IIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL" and do you know what happened? the shrink started jumping up and down with me and we were both jumping up and down yelling,"KKKKKKIIIIILLLLLLLL, KKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, KKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL", then the sergeant came over to me and put a medal on me and said, "your our boy!", well I didn't feel to good about it but I continued on with the whole big thing there, and I was there for three hours, four hours, five... I was there for a really long time and they were inspecting detecting infecting neglecting and selecting every single part of me and they were leaving no part untouched, finally I came up to the very last man and i walked up to him and said, "what da ya want", and he said, “kid, we on got one question, did you ever go to court?" so I proceeded to tell him the story of Alice and her restaurant and the half a ton of garba.....and he said "Stop it Right There Kid. did you ever go to court?" so I proceeded to tell him the story about the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with the......."Stop it Right There Kid. I want you to go and sit on that bench right there called group w. NOW KID!!!" so I went over to the bench there and there was group w, were they put you if you weren’t "moral" enough to join the army after committing your special crime and there were all kinds of mean nasty ugly horrible looking people on the bench there, there were father stabbers, mother rapers, father rap...FATHER RAPERS SITTING RIGHT THERE ON THE BENCH NEXT TO ME, and the biggest one, the most horrible looking father raper of them all, he come up to me and he said, "kid, what'd ya get?" and I said "I...I...I...I...I...I didn't get nothing, I had to pay $50 and pick up the garbage" and he looked at me and said "what were you arrested for kid?" and i said "littering" and they all moved away from me on the bench there, gave me the hairy eye ball and all kinds of mean nasty ugly things until i said "and creating a nuisance, and they all came back shook my hand and we had a great time sitting on the bench talking about crime mother stabbing father raping and all kinds of great things that we were talking about on the bench there, and we were smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things when the sergeant came over, he had a piece of paper in his hand, he held it up and said, "kids, this piece of paper has 27 paragaphs58wordsandwewanttoknowthedetailsofthecrimewnttanoda rrestnofficersname.... and he talked for 45 minutes and we didn’t understand a single word that he was saying, but we had fun filling out the forms and playing with pencils there on the bench, and I filled out the massacre with 4 part harmony and i filled it out there, and when I was done I turned over the paper, and there, there on the other side, in the middle of the other side, away from every thing else on the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated read the following words, “KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOUR SELF?", now I went over to the sergeant and said, "you got a lot of DAMN gall to ask me if I’ve rehabilitated myself, I mean, I Mean, I MEAN, I'M SITTING ON THE BENCH, I AM SITTING, HERE, ON THE GROUP "W" BENCH, BECAUSE YOU WANT TO KNOW IF I AM MORAL ENOUGH TO JOIN THE ARMY, BURN WOMEN KIDS HOUSES AND VILLAGES, after being a litterbug, and he looked at me and said "kid, we don’t like your kind, and I’m going to tell you what we are going to do, we're going to send your finger prints off to Washington, and friends some where in Washington eshrined in some little folder is a study in black and white of my finger prints, now you might be telling yourself that you know someone who could be in a similar situation soon enough or you might be in a similar situation very soon due to the war in Iraq, and if you are in this situation there is only one thing that you can do, and that is walk into the shrink where ever you are and sing a bar of Alice’s restaurant and walk out, and if just one person does it they'll think he's really sick and they wont take him, and if two people walk in and sing a bar of Alice’s restaurant in harmony they'll think they are both faggots and they wont take either of them and if three people walk in sing a bar of Alice’s restaurant and walk out they'll think that its an organization, and if 50 people a day, i said 50 people a day walk in sing a bar of Alice’s restaurant and walk out then they'll think it's a movement, and that's what it is, the Alice’s restaurant anti-massacre movement and all you got to do to join is sing this song, "you can get anything you want at Alice’s restaurant, you can get anything you want at Alice’s restaurant, come on in it's around the back, just a half a mile from the railroad tracks and you can get anything you want at Alice’s restaurant