Priest Abortion [check out Madame Hooligan!!]

Like I said before, music. I am not typing out all the bands I listen to. Nor am I going to type out all of the movies I watch. I WILL, however, tell you about the time in Bangladesh when I survived a monster of an avalanche! ... The night was cold. The wind was howling and the leaves were rustling in the treetops as I looked up at the owl orgy in the sky. I heard a few slight cracks in the distance. My head shot to the left, trying to spot where the noise was coming from. All of a sudden, daylight. In one split second, all became visible. The mountain was about to submit to the mighty shrieks of the banshee. The snowcaps began shaking violently and all knew that it was not okay. Then, it happened. -Shoom!- A team of llama jockeys shot by me as they leapt off of the inn where I was staying. It was a nice inn. The fire was warm. The room was cozy. The bed was comfortable. And the creak in the door was sex to the ears. -Slam!- I hit the ground, spilling my cocoa, as one of the llama jockeys reached out and smacked my face with a croquet mallet. My nose had been broken. The surrounding snow was turned to maroon as I lie in a puddle of my own red-juice. I looked up and I saw the snowcap falling - fast! I got up and looked around, frantic. I noticed a set of keys on the porch of the inn. I took them and began running around the back of the inn to the garage that was conveniently located there. I opened the door, and there it was. Sitting before was something so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. VW. A 1984 VW 18-speed bicycle; complete with two tires, adjustable seat, front and rear brakes, airhorn, and Spree dispenser. I hopped on and started pedaling as fast as I could. I looked back quickly. The avalanche had begun. 'I will outrun this,' I thought to myself. 'You ain't gonna beat me!' Ahead, at the bottom of the hill, I noticed a Pizza Hut. Well, at least I thought it was a Pizza Hut. I pedalled harder and harder. I reached the bottom of the hill, and it turned out to be the American Embassy. I pounded on the gate. "Open up! Open up!" I shouted. "I'm an American!" Of course NOW I know that it would have helped if I hadn't screamed that in German, but I was panicking. What the fuck do you expect? I got back on my VW bicycle and kept pedaling. I soon stopped. All hope was beginning to quickly fade as I saw that the only way to leave was uphill. I turned back around and looked at my fate: a giant sheet of powdered cloud snot. I thought to myself 'How am I going to get out of this?' Then it hit me - literally. A rake fell from a tree, bouncing off of my head, and falling to the ground. I looked down at it. The long, brown handle had been perfectly carved. Chiseled into the handle was a phrase, reading 'He who hold me shall see that I be. Tee hee.' "Of course!" I shouted, aloud. "This is the answer!" I picked up the rake and charged at the avalanche. "Bring it on!" I glared at the snow monster. The erosion of snow sounded like the stampede of a million Shiites chasing a Christian through the desert sands for blaspheming against Allah. "I'm lookin' you in yo' eyes!" I shouted. I ran faster, about to meet the mammoth. Impact. ---------- Well sad to say, I was swallowed by the beast. I stood no chance. Here I am, a scrawny little white boy armed only with a rake, charging head-on into a fucking avalanche. I have to admit, it wasn't the smartest thing I had ever done. I lay buried under feet and feet of snow. Hours passed. I grew hungry. I started to eat my way out, but soon stopped, for I found myself surrounded by a patch of yellow snow. I was finally rescued by the Bangladesh Fire Unit. They pulled me out of the mess and took me back to the inn for cookies and tea. How the inn survived, I don't know. But it all turned out okay, and I survived. Happy? I know my colon is.