Steve the Rockboy

Peanut or Plain? Let's go with plain. I'll be very plain and clear about this. If you're into numbers, you've been duped. If you are taken with demographics without reading content, you've been blinded. And if you don't bother with the blogs, well... you might want to check to see if your mother and father aren't brother and sister.
What do you want to know? You can unscrew the light bulb, but you can't unscrew the preggers wench. Did you download "Two Girls One Cup?" You know how once you watched it you wished you could unwatch it? Or did you get a savory craving for warmed Hershey's Syrup on rich fudgy brownies? Either way. There you go. It'll ruin your life, but read on if you must. Pick up your socks.
Am I the only one who wanted to see Marty McFly boink his teenage mom? Loraine was an A Cup marvel in her high school years. Plus, how messed up would Doc Brown's "skewed timelines" have been if Marty knocked up his mom when he went back in time? Cue some Huey, please. Maybe there would be an alternate timeline where he was his own dad, so if he didn't go back in time and dip the wick with protomom, he would have never been born, but how could he have gone back in time if he wasn't there to knock her up in the first place, since he wouldn't have been born to go back at all? More importantly, would incest statutes still apply? As said, Loraine was a blue plate special, easy on the eyes and easier on the fingers. And would Marty have to gouge out his eyes, going all Greco on his bad self? That would have made a much more provocative and interesting movie. Whatever. He did kiss his mom in 1954. You can run back to the future, Marty, but you can't run away from the truth.
Whoa now. Truth takes the floor. If they thought it would go by unchallenged, they didn't count on the Power of the Pedantic. The Yellow Shirt Nerd, the one who represents the lameness of Sprint, has been replaced in the Alltell commercials. You know, the dude who said "I'll beat you with a sock full of wood shavings" or some such nonsense. It's now some chub-bum with a white man's fro. It's like when Dick Sargent replaced Dick York on Bewitched. I say once you've committed to a Dick, stay with that Dick. You just don't go changing Dicks in the middle of things. That is so unclean.
The wait continues. There was a time when "In Search Of" ruled my world. "This series presents information based in part on theory and conjecture. The producer's purpose is to suggest some possible explanations, but not necessarily the only ones, to the mysteries we will examine." The conjecturable aspect of the pseduodocumentary series was lost on an impressionable OC kid. The wait continues, although much of the excitement has, over the years, been elbowed aside by skepticism. All those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Be jealous. I've got the extraordinary ability to determine instantly what a woman is trying to say, saving her and me precious minutes of our lives while she struggles with the vagaries of language. This uncanny gift also allows me to volunteer every possible permutation of advice and solution, as when a woman opens up to a man, the last thing she wants is empathy and understanding. She wants him to fix her problems. You can imagine how slick this superhuman talent goes down. It's about as useful as a magnetic duodenum.
Anyhow, next time you want to set me up with someone, go out with me yourself and don't pawn me off on your mom. What a blithering nincompoop. It's like she's got cracked-out carnival monkeys tugging the tiny strings and bells in that cobweb factory masquerading as a brain. And you with your big, soft, doe-eyed innocence. Did I ever tell you she reminds me of Bambi's mom? Oh, I'm sorry, too soon? Wait... they haven't found the body yet, have they? I said nothing, I know nothing.
I went to lunch with my friend Leann today. We had very spicy Mexican food, which the locals here in Nuevo Mexico love to call "New Mexican food" because it's developed its own "regional style," when compared to the closest Mexican state, Chihuahua. It's still beef and chicken and pork and tortillas and sopapillas and beans and rice and salsa and cheese and onions and roasted green and red chile... you know, Mexican food. Oddly, in Mexico, they just call it "food." I'm sure the same goes for Chinese food in China. I think it's roast pork for dinner tonight, spiced with sliced garlic clove and fresh rosemary from the herb garden. I'll call it "Schweinebrauten mit Pilzsoße," a delectable Old European dish, just to see if I can fool my non-Germanic Jewish friends into eating the most un-kosher of the un-kosher meats. Ich bin ein bastard.
Did you ever get the feeling someone was watching you? Look out your window, on the Peterson's roof. Let me adjust the focus. Damn, you are smokin' in that rectal floss. Would you mind pinching it out for some highbeams? Thanks. You're a doll.
I dig camping and there's this really cool place up in the San Juan Mountains that overlooks a sprawling valley of pristine greenery with a meandering alpine stream snaking its way through. Did you know it was Einstein who determined river meandering is a result of the helictical flow of fluids in a confined channel? Pretty sweet, that.
What's cool about this place is during migration season a herd of some 100 elk make their way through. At night you can hear the braying of the bulls and cracking of antlers and skulls in the melee of rutting. I guess they think because they're of the most giant of deer they can party all stinking night, that their neighbors in the tent don't have to be up at 5 am to catch the 40 to work, what with all the shit traffic come 7 am... gotta be up to beat the screws. Nope, they got to go with a rankling noisy mating ritual. They can't just whip out their dicks for comparison. Fuckers.
Being out in the wilds of the western US leaves you open to bear attacks. Sad but true, not all predators have been wiped off the planet. As a human, I get kind of bent by the competition. It's usually not so bad, as the bears only try to get into your food, but still, it's a dangerous situation when they come into your campsite. So I got a gun to protect myself from bears, and I had to use it just last summer for the first time. I feel a bit guilty. The hairy ursine gay dude's name was Charlie, and I got him right in his ample gut. I hear he's doing just fine now, that I'd only pierced him through to the third layer of fat, but he'll think a good two or three times about trying to get into my Igloo cooler again.
By the way, Keith, you better keep your fucking cat out of my yard or I'm going to skewer it with a garden rake and then rip its heart out through its tail. I'm just saying.
Summer, 1983, San Diego, California. Madness and Oingo Boingo opening for headliners The Police. $15. Summer, 2007, Los Angeles, California. Foo Fighters opening for headliners The Police. $120. I suppose what with Sting, Andy, and Stewart hyped up on a fistful of Geritol on the hour every hour, they need the pornographically overpriced tickets to feed the habit. Here, kitty kitty. Feed the kitty, you miserly Crypt Keeper douchenozzles.
I was gifted a silk shirt for Christmas, which I thought was entirely homosexual. The smoothest thing I want against my body is the epithelially satiny pleasures of a disrobed lass. However, since I was bound to score some bedpoints for donning the queebo-duds, better sense was checked and I slipped into the sleeves. Man, I'm telling you, gays have it all straight, if you'll pardon the irony. I never knew fabric could be so enticingly erotic. It was so close to the orgasmic fury of a thousand white hot suns, I nearly feinted. I swear. I freaking swooned. I never had hair on my nipple-tips, but they got so enthralled they sprouted follicles almost out of defensive reflex. It's like I got a little pair of symmetrical potted ferns protruding from my chest now.
This is a quick one. Zippity quick. Don’t blink, don’t breathe, don’t even move. Just lie still and let me do all the work. I believe I first learned to spell the word “together” in the first to third grade range of school age. It wasn’t kindergarten for sure. Multisyllabic words were still at least a year off. Maybe it was second grade. Whatever. I was young, and it’s been roughly three decades I’ve been using this word while knowing how to spell it. Here’s the mind-rumping: “Together” can be broken down into the words “To Get Her.” To. Get. Her. Together. I can’t tell if I blew my own mind or just spewed a fart nugget. Either way, it shouldn’t have taken 30 years to notice this. To get her. I’m going to go kip out on the sofa and watch Terminator 3. Term In At Or. Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Talk about miscalculations. I lived under the delusion that my life was unique and dynamic, the envy of all. Sadly, day to day, year to year, look straight ahead there's nothing but blue skies. How boring. Never the difference, always the same. There are never the words and never the time. Sometimes it really sucks being a tongueless sod without a watch. Ironically, my dream girl is bilingual. Can you imagine what she could do with two tongues? Damn.
Before boogieing out of here, eyes front and at the chalkboard. "You're," the contraction for "you are." "Your," the possessive case for "you," an attributive adjective. Next, "their," "they're" and "there." "Their," another possessive case, this time for "they," again used as an attributive adjective. "They're," the contraction for "they are." "There," a multifunctional word that can be an adverb, a pronoun, a noun, an adjective, or an interjection, with a base meaning of place or placement. Keep up your campaign for complete grammatical entropy and I'll keep up the petition to have you branded King Schlemiel the Great of Schlemielistan. "What's that?" you ask? A pronoun. Thanks for asking.
So what's all this have to say about me? Yes, I'm the greatest guy to ever tread the terra. That's all you really need to know about me. What does it say about you that you actually read all this crap thinking I was going to reveal anything meaningful or insightful about myself? You're of the ilk of climatic doomsayers. aren't you? This saddens me, for you otherwise seem a bright kid. Just be ready to duck and cover, for I will crush you beneath the heel of my carbon footprint. You've got a lot of heart, but ask the wizard for a brain, Isaac Newton. I'm out of here.
All Theory, No Action:
Life is eventful. Find me at these events.
Dismantling a Sacred Mandala:
I can see clearly now, my brain is gone...
Half Man, Half Boy
A Few Words with Chris "Chrissy Boy" Foreman
Chris "Chrissy Boy" Foreman is an icon of British pop music, the man at the guitar for British mega-hit band Madness. One of the original "nutty boys", and co-songwriter of the international sensation "Our House", for the better half of 2007 Chris threatened to do an interview with me for the Madness Trading Ring .
Always a man of his word, and many words has this man, below is the final edit of what turned out to be one of the more revealing looks into the life and career of Chrissy Boy, bouncing from topics like his baby girl to the new album to his now-mellowed feud with singer/hornman Cathal "Chas Smash" Smyth.
Many thanks are extended to Chris, who went above and beyond expectations with his replies, chock full of his trademark wry wit and puckish sense of humour.
A note by way of explanation: Any goofball questions are mine. Any trainspotter/anorak questions were fielded from the MTR subscribers. Well, I did have a few poignantly erudite questions. But most were pretty goofy. You should read the crap Chris and I exchange outside of the interviewing arena.
Originally published on July 5, 2007, at the Madness Trading Ring . Check out the MTR. All the cool kids are.
Caning away. A.Get.Life.
Guitar in hand and a song in his heart, Chris belts out the madness onstage in Los Angeles, California.
Steve Bringe: How are you feeling today? How about yesterday?
Chris "Chrissy Boy" Foreman: Today. I just had a German exchange student arrive with my son Felix and despite my strict instructions it’s a boy student. Yesterday. I can’t remember. My daughter has got chicken pox and looks like Spotty Muldoon. Tomorrow is looking good.
SB: There is a continued war of words in the papers between the Kaiser Chiefs and the Arctic Monkeys. In the 1990s there was a similar battle between Blur and Oasis. In the 1980s your closest rivals in the charts were probably Duran Duran. Madness and Duran Duran couldn't have been more different, yet there was rarely any public animosity, so what did you actually think of each other. Was there a mutual respect? Did you get on?
CB: I personally really liked Duran Duran. Great pop songs and the videos just got better and better. I am not joking. I would have loved to have the sort of video budgets and locations that they had. As for getting on with them our paths never really crossed that much. You would often meet people from other bands at TV studios and the like but we never met them. I met Simon Le Bon once at an awards thing and they had just done “Wild Boys.” I was in awe at the sheer scale of it all. When we did “Tomorrow’s Just Another Day” I had an image of us buried in the ground from the waist. In reality I dug the holes myself and we were dressed as flowers playing cards. Duran did “Blue Moon on Monday” and it was all shot so beautifully and there were people buried in the ground properly. Still, our one was funnier.
SB: Gravy or syrup?
CB: Both.
SB: Pete Doherty apparently eats, sleeps, drinks etc. with his one gold disc. Madness have so far clocked up over 30 BPI awards (let alone all your worldwide award discs). Do you (or any other band members) have a similar attachment to your discs as Pete Doherty? How many have you kept and how many have you given away? Do you have any on display still?
CB: I had two sort of “stolen” and I gave away the “It Must Be Love” single to a friend for charity a few years ago. I used to have them all in a room in my house and one of my girlfriends took the “One Step Beyond” and “Absolutely” discs to pay off some dodgy debt of hers. I didn’t notice for ages because they were both above the door. Er… the thing is the first ones you get, it’s great then you get like hundreds (OK I’ve got about 50 or so) and it’s a bit lame having them on the walls really, in my humble opinion. I do know where the missing ones are though. In good hands.
SB: How does it feel being the 50 year old father of a brand spanking new baby girl?
CB: Tiring indeed. But it is so nice to have a girl after all these years.
SB: An MTR (Madness Trading Ring) local of your new hometown (Hove, England) was wondering what prompted your move to Brighton, and do you enjoy living there?
CB: London is just too much my dear. We wanted to move and I ended up looking at houses in NW5 (which is where I grew up) and they were so expensive. We have a few friends down here; the schools are good so off we went. I really like it down here, I don’t regret it a bit and it’s been over a year. I miss the parks in London and the shopping and so on. Plus the radio stations down here are crap. I used to love all the reggae and local Pirate stations and all that in London.
SB: Why was Axecam (TM Steve Bringe) upside-down at the Brighton gig?
CB: Steve Bringe [TM] didn't set it correctly. Actually fact fans the axe cam is a Samsung D600 phone in a sort of gaffa tape (duct tape US readers) cigarette box type holder. I have to set it to film then put it in. For some reason it has a function where you press a button and it films upside down. I uploaded it loads of times and had to edit it in Final Cut Pro to turn it the right way round - or did I do that song standing on my head? I am hoping to get a Nokia N95 soon, which apparently has a really good video camera in it so we shall see. This will hopefully sort out those technical gripes that some bean flickers have been moaning about I hear.
SB: Have you written any songs for the new album?
CB: Er… I don’t know as usual I sort of wasn’t in the band. So they wrote loads of great songs without me and the impetus was there. “NW5” for example is a brilliant classic Mike Barso/Thommo/Madness song. I have written some but they are sort of bottom of the pile as I am an underachiever and we have so many good songs already. Hopefully it’s do an album then do another and I will get more involved.
SB: Follow up: How comes the new album? Is it nearing completion? What are some of the song titles?
CB: “Bingo”, (Thompson/Barson) - done last year; “Let’s Go”, (McPherson/Barson); “Dust Devil”, (Thompson/Woodgate) BRAND NEW and not recorded yet but some may make a live Debut this very night (Thursday, 5 July, 2007).
SB: A train leaves London northbound for Newcastle at 1 pm, traveling at an average speed of 100 kph. A second train leaves Newcastle southbound to London at 2 pm, traveling at an average speed of 90 kph. The southbound train makes a stop at Birmingham for 1 hour before continuing on to London. The northbound train stops three times before Birmingham, twice to let out passengers (24 passengers total) and once to take on passengers (14 total) and a herd of sheep. Given this, what is your favourite song that you've written for Madness?
CB: “Madness (Is All in the Mind)”. Reason? It came out more or less exactly as I meant it to.
SB: An MTR member states, "Back in 1981 I sent a postal order to MIS for a t-shirt which still hasn't arrived. Each day when the postman comes I still have a glimmer of hope. Any ideas when it might arrive?"
CB: I used to work for the GPO (post office). They had these fantastic conveyor belt type machines that sorted all the letters. Anyhow, every now and then a letter would fall off. It would remain there gathering dust until someone put it back on the conveyor belt. This could take 8 years or more, so the shirt will turn up soon. The letter that fell off was usually the letter O. Surreal bit there for you.
SB: We collect Madness records and paraphernalia. What do you collect?
CB: Money - any denominations. Children. I used to collect comics but ran out of space. So really, unless it’s a 12 part graphic novel by Frank Miller I don’t bother any more. I am a bit of a completist you see.
SB: What are the chances of this being the final Madness album? Do you feel like continuing on with the band much past this project?
CB: I would like to carry on for a bit till we get it right. There is still so much talent in the band. 2009 will be 30 years.
SB: This is a question from the masses, so don't blame me for it: How are you getting on with Carl?
CB: Really well. We have probably both changed. It’s Barso who drives me mad the most these days.
SB: I can't reword this mess. Here's the question:
”Sorry - You played some excellent guitar at the Madness show in Dublin on this track - why didn't this get added to the mix and put on the single, think it added a new dimension, and secondly what exactly is the true story behind this release, while the main versions are slicker the original on the seven inch and the live version at the concerts seemed to be lacking a certain something and a bit of structure. With this in mind it seems string that it was an early contender for a single.”
(Ed. note - Was there a question in there?)
CB: I think there was. That song was put forward by our new management team. Fortunately, I wasn’t in the band at the time. There is not a lot of the band actually on it apart from Suggs and Chas. No sax from Thommo, not much piano, drum machine, written by someone else. I didn’t think it’s as good as the new songs, to be diplomatic. We play it live to (mostly) a backing track and I would play along. You can see this on one of my Axecam ,, songs on youtube at madnesstour2006. Where was I...
SB: Is "NW5" and homage to Chrissy Boy?
CB: No it’s not about me. Think again chaps. Listen to the lyrics really carefully like.
(Ed. note - The best guess on the lyrical inspiration is Carl "Chas Smash" Smyth.)
SB: Speaking of "NW5", thus far it's only been released as a German single not featuring your guitar work. Will the song be re-recorded for future releases?
CB: I most certainly think so and Thommo should do some stuff on it, too.
(Ed. note - As of the republication of this interview here on this Space, Madness has since released "NW5" as a UK single, out on 7" vinyl, Cd single, and DVD single, as well as digital download.)
SB: General question begging a general answer: How come the recording sessions? Can you relate any tales on the recording sessions?
CB: The recording sessions are not happening lately. Most of the new songs were recorded last year.
SB: How confident are you that the record label (Lucky 7) is behind the band this time, as in, are they willing to spend money to make money promotionally speaking?
CB: Ha ha. Pass.
SB: Are we ever likely to see "Madness Live At The BBC", which is long overdue? Will we ever see the release of the original "Madstock" as a special edition DVD and CD deluxe package?
CB: Funny you should say that. I just came across the “Madstock” master tapes.
SB: As long as we're on the topic of long overdue releases, whence Singles Box 2?
CB: Well the first one didn’t sell many so Virgin have released it in a digital format which frankly sucks. I used to spend a lot of time at Virgin overseeing such things but the last few years I have not put in the effort. So it is coming up to that time when we renegotiate a new back catalogue deal and this could be part of it.
SB: Did you notice your socks are untied? I'm just saying.
CB: Socks don’t have laces Steve. You have tried that one before on me and well, maybe you did fool me once, but not this time.
SB: Does a studio version of "Precious One" (obscure track released in 1992 as a live b-side) exist?
CB: Yes I think it does. Funny enough I found the tapes the other...
SB: How many guitars do you currently own and what are they?
CB: Two Gibsons, a Les Paul and an SG, two Fender Telecasters (although one of them is allegedly a fake), black Stratocaster black “the Strat”, blue Stratocaster, a Gretsch Chet Atkins, and a Fender “Bullet” bass.
SB: Every noteworthy musician has "musical influences"? Who are the axemen (and axewomen) who have inspired you?
CB: Wiko Johnson (Dr Feelgood), Chuck Berry, Phil Manzanera (Roxy Music), Angus and Malcolm Young (AC/DC), Mick Jones (Clash), Eddy Van Halen, Bo Diddley, Nile Rodgers (Chic) Ernest Ranglin, that’s just for starters...
(Ed. note - A late entry sent in from Chris is Marco Pirroni of Adam & the Ants fame.)
SB: Are there any plans for Crunch! (Chris' band with Madness saxophonist Lee Thompson) to continue their quest for World Domination this year? Failing that, what about the occasional gig now and again?
CB: I found some old tapes and I am going to release them on the internet. Probably stuff everyone’s heard a thousand times already. It is the early demos we did before doing the “Crunch!” album. It’s just Thommo and me: “Going Solo” (yawn), “You’re Driving Me”, “One Man Tent”(actually Steve can you send me that list you had once and I’ll see if there’s any you haven’t got.) Then the stuff with the band will hopefully come out. I would like to do some shows but really I’m spending a lot of time on Madness as it is.
SB: Great. Now your shirt is unbuttoned. Who taught you to dress yourself?
CB: You mean T shirt doncha?
SB: What was the first record you bought?
CB: The Beatles “I Feel Fine”, b side was “She’s a Woman”. I just realised that “I Feel Fine” more than inspired “Please Don’t Go”.
SB: Ben Jones at Virgin Radio has recently started a campaign to get the band nominated for the "Outstanding Contribution to Music" award at the Brits 2008. With the exception to the Ivor Novello award, is the band bewildered/amazed/pissed off that over the years they've received so little recognition from the "music industry"... or doesn't it really matter anyway?
CB: Sad isn’t it? There are far more important things to campaign for. A lot of these awards are geared towards how much “product” has been sold. Anything voted for by one’s peers or the public is nice though.
SB: As a special treat a couple of years back the official Madness site posted a version of "Bed & Breakfast Man" with you on vox and Suggs on guitar. Was there ever a serious thought given to switching your roles in the band permanently, or was that a one off for grins and giggles? How do you think your life would be different now if you were the lead singer of Madness?
CB: Singers get more birds. I wrote most of the lyrics to that song. I should have got a song writing credit at least. It was a friend of Bedders, Gary Dovey (ex Madness drummer), who said, “Do you know what they call John Hasler (ex Madness drummer) these days? The bed and breakfast man”. The reason was he would turn up at your house, eat all your food and sleep on your sofa. "What a great idea/title for a song," I thought and wrote some lyrics. That’s why I sung it live as it was “my” song. Barso used to sing “My Girl” as well but when we did One Step only Thommo’s singing passed muster.
SB: How do you feel being back with the band after what ended up being your temporary retirement? Or do you still consider yourself a retired pop star?
CB: Yeah you should see the gigs these days. Nice to be back though. Great guys, great songs, great fans, sob sob...
SB: Why do you spend so much time answering such inane questions for the fans? Don't you have any other hobbies? Really. Do you have any hobbies?
CB: None… and it doesn’t take me long to deal with those questions. Unlike this.
SB: In 1985, when the boys played the secret gig to reveal Mad Not Mad to family and friends, they appeared as the Wayfinders with aliases like "Young Bobby", "Stig", etc. Who had which alias?
CB: I was the Walrus. Sorry but I can’t remember. Send me the names and I might recall. Stig could be Thommo and young Bobby could be... I don’t think they were any one member really.
SB: Time to nail you with your own words: Many moons ago you were asked by a noble and intrepid young Madness fan, "Are there any unreleased Madness songs along the lines of ‘Perfect Place’?", to which you answered, "All songs that were recorded were released." With the bootleg leak of Chas' (Carl Smyth, Madness singer/shouter/trumpetman/percussion) personal stash, we now have songs like “Do Nothing Donald”, “My Mum's Roses”, and a whole boatload of The Madness (band formed after Madness broke up in 1986, featuring Suggs, Carl, Chris and Lee) demos. Care to rephrase your answer?
CB: They are not Madness songs. The whole band aren’t on them. Though if you do have any copies please send them to me and I’ll make sure.
SB: Looking back over the archives of Madness video footage, which video stands out as the finest example of Madness on film?
CB: ”Take it Or leave It” is about as close as it gets to what it was like.
SB: After establishing yourself as a unique and successful musician and songwriter, a true iconic guitar-man of your generational peers, there is one daunting question that has forever gone unanswered:
Sock-sock, Shoe-shoe
or
Sock-shoe, Sock-shoe
CB: SOCK SOCK SHOE SHOE SHOBOOGIE
SB: What does the future hold for Madness? What does the future hold for Chris Foreman?
CB: Save the really hard spiritual ones for last. Happiness I hope. For both of us.
SB: Rearrange the following words to form a common phrase: Thank. Very. Much. You.
CB: Life.You.Have.Got.