If you share my beliefs in the afterlife, have psychic ability, or have neat stories to discuss, I'd love to hear from you! I don't really idolize anyone. People are people, some just become famous because they choose to take jobs in the public eye. People that fascinate me are ones who live their lives to make a positive difference. Maya Angelou, Rosa Parks, Princess Diana. That list isn't long enough, but if I had to chose someone I'd like to spend some time with, it would be someone like them, someone who has inspired change, or who has tried to make this crappy world a better place to live in for the rest of us.I'd also like to meet other people that have MS.
I truly believe Steve sends me songs that I need to hear when I'm needing to hear them the most. Music has become a very important part of my life. It helps ease the grief in my soul. One of my favorite songs even though it makes me cry is Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going" (Featuring Dolly Parton) from his Time Well Wasted Album. Yeah, I know it's not on my page, because it makes me cry. If you haven't heard it, you need to go find it and listen to it. It's an awesome song. Even if you really don't like country.
Everyone is asking me to explain why Photograph by Nickelback means so much to me, why it's so personal, and how it describes Stephen so well. To start, I'm going to give the lyrics here, and the explanation, and will add "the photograph" at the bottom of my profile for you to see...
Photograph... By, Nickelback
1. Look at this photograph
2. Every time I do it makes me laugh.
3. How did our eyes get so red,
4. and what the hell is on Joey's head?
5. This is where I grew up,
6. I think the present owner fixed it up.
7. I never knew we ever went without,
8. the second floor is hard for sneaking out.
9. This is where I went to school,
10. most of the time had better things to do.
11. Criminal record says I broke in twice,
12. I must've done it half a dozen times.
13. Wonder if it's too late,
14. should I go back and try to graduate?
15. Life's better now than it was back then,
16. if I was them I wouldn't let me in.
17. Every memory of looking out the back door,
18. I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor.
19. It's hard to say it
20. Time to say it
21. Goodbye, goodbye.
22. Every memory of walking out the front door,
23. I found the photo of the friend I was looking for.
24. It's hard to say it
25. Time to say it
26. Goodbye, goodbye.
27. Remember the old arcade,
28. blew every dollar that we ever made.
29. The cops hated us hanging out
30. They said someone went and burned it down.
31. We used to listen to the radio
32. and sing along with every song we know.
33. We said someday we'd find out how it feels
34. to sing with more than just a steering wheel.
35. Kim's the first girl I kissed,
36. I was so nervous that I nearly missed.
37. She's had a couple kids since then,
38. I haven't seen her since God knows when.
39. Every memory of looking out the back door,
40. I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor.
41. It's hard to say it,
42. Time to say it,
43. Goodbye, goodbye.
44. Every memory of walking out the front door,
45. I found the photo of the friend I was looking for.
46. It's hard to say it,
47. Time to say it,
48. Goodbye, goodbye.
49. I miss that town, I miss the faces.
50. Can't care to erase, Can't care to replace it.
51. I miss it now, I can't believe it,
52. So hard to stay, too hard to leave it.
53. I could relive those days
54. I know the one thing that would never change.
55. Every memory of looking out the back door,
56. I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor.
57. It's hard to say it,
58. Time to say it,
59. Goodbye, goodbye.
60. Every memory of walking out the front door,
61. I found the photo of the friend I was looking for.
62. It's hard to say it,
63. Time to say it,
64. Goodbye, goodbye.
65. Look at this photograph
66. Every time I do it makes me laugh.
67. Every time I do it makes me...
After Stephen died, I realized how very few photographs we had of him. When we'd go to take his picture, he'd usually either turn his head, flip the bird, pull his hat down over his face, or look really serious and wouldn't smile. I became obsessed with obtaining photographs from friends and family, any pictures they might have of Stephen, I didn't care if he was smiling, frowning, flipping the bird or not, all of the things that used to tork me when he was alive, and would get me to delete a picture off the digital camera, which I now regret with all of my heart. God how I'd give anything to have those pictures back. Anyway... Within days, Debbie my best friend sent me several pictures she had found that had Stephen in them, this one, with Stephen and 3 of his friends (Steve's on the far right) makes me smile through all of my pain, everytime I look at it. And... everytime I look at it, I think of this song, and even though the meaning I put to it is sad, it sums up my son's life, and his feelings, and it fits him so perfectly it brings me a lot of comfort to hear it. The picture and song to me are so interrelated, that when I see the picture, I can hear the song in my head, and when I hear the song, I can see the picture in my head. And... it's my boy, his life...his emotion...his way of telling me everything's ok as long as I think about him this way.
Lines 1-5... Stephen is so stoned in this picture and has such a silly happy smile, you can't help but smile when you look at his grin. That was his stoner grin ALWAYS and we saw it a lot, but that's the only time we ever got a picture of it, but he was genuinely happy. Stephen would sing this song and substitute Charlie for Joey as it's Charlie that has a funky looking bandanna on his head. His fro was so big that it made the bandanna stand up all crazy looking. This is where Steve grew up, with Charlie, Josh, and Dustin. One of the places he loved the most was at Debbie's house. Charlie and Josh, were his Phoenician brothers.
Lines 9-10 Stephen ditched school as much as he went.
Lines 11-12 After Stephen died, I went in to give the police a copy of his suicide note for their file on him and to discuss an ongoing case that they wanted to clear, and was told they had been looking at Steve for "several things." not just the case that I knew about.
Lines 13-16 Stephen had obtained his GED and had tried to go back to school that year at Indian Hills Community College. He wasn't ready the semester he went back, but was considering a different field for next semester. Next semester just never came.
Lines 17-26 Stephen decided on July 17th, 2005 (well before that really) that it was time to say goodbye. I'm sure it was a really hard decision for him to make because before that he had checked himself into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. He fought his demons and lost. He loved his family, he loved his friends (whom he made his extended family and loved every bit as much), but the life he had created for himself was full of enough pain and misery that he felt the only way out was to say goodbye to it and to end it. I think had he known the true pain that he caused us all by taking his own life, he would have done anything but what he did. But, there's no turning back time on suicide. He eased his own pain, but caused an indescribable amount for dozens of other people.
Lines 27-28 make me laugh. Stephen's money slipped through his hands faster than he could obtain it. He never could save a dime, and always spent every dollar that he ever made.
Lines 29-30... Like I said earlier the police said they were watching him for more than one thing. The main thing they had him for was for an arson fire of a post office.
Lines 31-34, Stephen LOVED to sing. He was good at it too, and was even in Ansemble choir in Jr. High. Stephen's friends went on to start a band, and to write songs. They wrote a song about him when they found out he had died. They said there was a lot of good memories and tears shared while they wrote the song. The guys shoved their guitar picks into the fresh dirt over his grave. I'm sure that every gig the guys do, Stephen will be there watching them.
Lines 35-38... I think Steve's "Kim" is Emily. She doesn't have the couple of kids, but you can tell there was a special love between them.
Lines 49-54. Everywhere Stephen ever lived he left behind friends that he'd made so special they became his family. He created wonderful memories with them that he'd never want to or be able to erase, for himself or them either one. Everyone he touched has had such wonderful things to say about him since he died. I'm sure he's kicking his ass for leaving that all behind, and for the pain he's caused us all.
Lines 55-67. I don't think the last thing Stephen did was to actually sit and "Look" through physical photographs before he took his life, but, I'm sure he sat and looked through his mental photo album, as I'm sure he still does, reflecting on all of the good times he had, the things he did, and the people he loves. He'll be loved and missed forever in the hearts of all he touched.
Comedies, and Dramas. I guess that's the bi-polar in me. Make me laugh, make me cry, it's all good :)/:(This is my son Frankie's Church solo Summmer 2006!
CSI Las Vegas, Law & Order SVU, Reality TV, Talk shows, The Soup, Trama Life in the ER, Paramedics, Dirty Jobs, yeah, ok, anything on TLC, Discovery Channel, History Channel, Biography Channel, E!, a lot of the shows on Spike, Jackass, Viva La Bam, Oh hell, if they fix it, modify it, break it, fight about it, give birth to it, test a theory about it, or whatever, that's my show!
If it's a book on the afterlife, or communicating with relatives that have passed, yeah, I've been reading it lately for obvious reasons. I really miss my son. :(
My daughter Kathryn is my heroine. She's strong when I'm not. She's doing things right that her dad, Steve and I all did wrong when we were her age. She kicks ass in school. I'm truly proud of her no matter what.