eliza.

ELIZA.
everybody wants to be found.
"What about a teakettle? What if the spout opened and closed when the steam came out, so it would become a mouth, and it could whistle pretty melodies, or do Shakespeare, or just crack up with me? I could invent a teakettle that reads in Dad’s voice, so I could fall asleep, or maybe a set of kettles that sings the chorus of Yellow Submarine, which is a song by the Beatles, who I love, because entomology is one of my raisons d’etre, which is a French expression that I know.
Another good thing is that I could train my anus to talk when I farted. If I wanted to be extremely hilarious, I’d train it to say, “Wasn’t me!” every time I made an incredibly bad fart. And if I ever made an incredibly bad fart in the Hall of Mirrors, which is in Versailles, which is outside of Paris, which is in France, obviously, my anus would say, “Ce n’etait pas mois!”
What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war."
WARNING:
the following footage may contain offensive offensive material, it is recommended for mature audiences. if you suffer from any anxiety, diabetes, active ulcers, high blood pressure, heart disease or are currently pregnant: it is not recommended that you proceed in viewing this video. side effects may result in severe emotional scarring and mental damage:
(also nicole kerr is a hot babe)
currently enjoying:
VEGETABLE JUICE! thai food. opp shops. beer. drawing. star girls (ie nicole, han, soph, gen, dom, steph, jew, char, jessie) + occasionally a kid called sam. laughing at myself. 80's movies + trashy romance movies. mornings when i don't look like a corpse. sweet talkers. the sexy man with far too much facial hair from all of the videos we watch in science. public transport. interesting friends made when drunk. home and away + neighbours - quite possibly the best thing to come with being australian. literature. writing. boy smell. art. anything in mini or giant size. vests. the kind of dancing impossible when sober. boys with good hair + nice shoes. my hugh heffner dressing gown. adventures. spending sundays hungover in the maccas carpark. days cold enough to wear a scarf. growing my hair. gigs. funny words in the dictionary. drunken phone calls. grey's anatomy, dawson's creek & love my way. piano + guitar - wishing i had decent vocal chords.
wanting to be
the voice over man
for movie trailers
& my own TV show,
about me.
i'd watch it.
you would too.