I hate baseball caps. The people who wear them are usually assholes. White baseball caps are the worst. Some guys wore baseball caps to one of my parties and their house burned down. I shit you not. Other than that I'm pretty mellow. I think.
I have an unhealthy interest in large islands and their fauna. My three favorite islands are Madagascar, Borneo, and Spitsbergen, but not necessarily in that order.
I find Lobot to be generally underappreciated. Love him, ladies. Love him.
Once I wrote a short biography. It went like this:
At a very early age Josh was stricken with a positivity that the universe immediately began striving to erase. By the time he reached puberty, Josh was a bitter, cold, adorable tow-headed pimple factory, and the girls loved him. After high-school, he attended New College in Sarasota Florida and was able to graduate, fifteen years later, from Eckerd College in St. Petersburg (also Florida.) During those fifteen years Josh accumulated innumerable skills which help make him the interesting and amusing baby-eating scoundrel he is today. These skills include: kung-fu, rock and roll, video-game competency, and wit. He also knows a lot about stuff, as fifteen years of college tends to impart some small knowledge of the true nature of everything. Brian Nell is his best friend, and inordinate amounts of Josh's time and energy have been spent trying to kill the bastard. The addition of Melissa to the mix as a co-conspirator promises the impending fulfillment of this long-time goal. In closing, Josh thinks life is generally amusing and often stupid, but he does manage to enjoy himself from time to time.
Sometimes I hate almost everything. Except...
The fossa is the largest carnivore on Madagascar .
The fossa is cooler than you. It hates baseball caps and will attack them on sight. Fossa have been trained to hunt ducks. Ducks!
The clouded leopard is the largest carnivore on the mist-shrouded isle of Borneo .
It also is cooler than you. It experiences intense ambivalence in the presence of baseball caps. Because of its ungodly awesome pelt, it is being hunted to extinction. If you see some fucking lady wearing a clouded leopard fur, kick her in the tit until she dies. Long live Borneo!
The polar bear is the largest carnivore on Spitsbergen. Spitsbergen is part of Svalbard , a small group of islands far to the North which are of note primarily because of their exceptionally cool name. Polar bears are actually the largest land carnivores on the planet, motherfuckers.
A polar bear could eat you alive, so it doesn't really care if you think it's cool. They couldn't give a shit about baseball caps. Polar bears don't give a shit about anything. They just sit around, sipping whiskey, dreaming of the good old days when there was an icecap. Sigh. Polar bears.
This is a Red Panda .
These vicious bastards live not on an island, nor are they the largest carnivore anywhere, even the entire universe, but I bet a red panda could beat up a polar bear if it tried really, really hard. Red pandas have the strongest, most hateful reaction to baseball caps of any creature in existence on this hallowed planet. This is the result of eons of being hunted by a now extinct predator whose head closely resembled the nasty and stupid baseball caps of our modern era. I saw a red panda at the zoo use its ten-inch poisoned claws to reduce a man's head to a fine red mist just because the guy was thinking that maybe he might want to buy a baseball cap someday. I love red pandas and that is why I made up these facts about them.
