I'd like to meet:

The re-animated corpses of Pope John Paul II, Vladimir Lenin, and Robert E. Lee. Anyone famous who either died on a toilet (fat Elvis/ Lenny bruce), in the bathtub (Jim Morrison), or choked to death, either on a food of some sort (Momma Cass) or their own vomit (Jimi Hendrix). The Beatles in their speed addled German night club days. Howdy Doody (If I shook his hand would I get splinters?). Bozo the Clown (I would advise him to sue Matt Groening for the blatant knock off, Krusty the Clown). Fess Parker. Peter Parker. Park ranger, Smokey the Bear. Ranger Rick. Rick James. James Taylor. Yusef Islam (AKA Cat Stevens). Steven wright. Mr. Right. Every member of the vast right wing conspiracy (AKA The Man). The man with two brains, Steve Martin. Einstien's brain (if it could still talk without a mouth, maybe it's smart enough to communicate telepathically). Bella Lugosi (He's dead, right?). Generalissimo Francisco Franco (He's still dead, right? Couldn't the same be said of Chevy Chase's career?) The Greatful Dead (b4 they hit the road for good, and were still living in an old Victorian style house off of Haight). Dick Van Dyke (I would ask him to sing "JOlly Holiday" for me, and also inquire as to wheather or not he knew if MTM gave good head or not). The inveterate triumverate of cigar smokers (the Holy Trinity if you will):George Burns, Winston Churchhill, and Fidel Castro. Sorry Kinky, you didn't make the cut. The guy who invented Jiffy-Pop Popcorn. Lester Bangs and Ernie Banks (wait, I already met Ernie Banks, OK so I didn't really "meet" him, I stood in line for over an hour in a high ceilinged room at the Disneyland Hotel and paid $15 for him to sign a glossy photo and a baseball card, he smiled and made polite small talk, asked me my name, signed my shit and that was that). Captain (of Captain & Tinheel). Captain Crunch. Captains Jack and Morgan (we've already met on several occasions, but I've forgotten them already) Captain America.Commander Cody.Napoleon (a la Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure) "Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy!" Ziggy Stardust and his Spiders from Mars, The Rat Pack back in the Sahara days (all together as well as individually), Oprah Winfrey's personal trainer, Alfonse D'Amato, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Howard Dean (I think he's cool beans, says what he means, damn the torpedoes and let out a scream...not a snowballs chance in hell of being elected though...the people want a centrist in liberal clothing, they'll re-elect a Clinton) Chuck-D, Chuck E, Chuck P (Choke was tits and Survivor punk as fuck, Invisible Monsters gave me a chubby and I still haven't read Fight Club!) Thomas P. (Why, V? Why? Why?) Hubert Selby Junior, Junior Walker, Alex P. Keaton, Charlie Chaplain, Aldus Huxley, Mr. Huckstable hisself (Bill Cosby), Louis Armstrong, Charles Mingus, Charlie Parker, Parker Posey, Parker Louis, Louis Farracon, Angels era Farrah Fawcett, You get the idea.

Music:

Jandek On Corwood-Corwood IndustriesBox 15375Houston, TX 77020

Movies:

Shortbus, Mutual Appreciation, POPaganda: The Art And Crimes Of Ron English, the documentaries of Kirby Dick, F**K, The U.S. Vs. John Lennon, Borat, Talladega Nights, Nacho Libre, documentaries about obscure musicians (Jandek on Corwood, The Devil And Daniel Johnson), 300

Television:

Television is evil. Espescially those leeches at PBS, always asking for money, taking all our hard earned tax dollars. Corrupting children's minds with those gay Teletubbies. The Rainbow Coalition all probably grew up watching Ernie and Bert cohabitate and take baths with their "rubber" toys. And what's up with that Mr. Goodbody fellow? Could his body suit have been any tighter? No wonder the boys all turned out the way they did, they grew up ogling his thinly veiled package! OK, if you're still reading this, you've probably figured out that I'm just kidding (it's called satire. look it up) Really I love all fags and people of color too! That's becuz I watched The Reading Rainbow with that nice colored fellow from the Star Trek series. Not Scotty, he was in the original, but the one with the funny glasses who couldn't see. Oh yeah, Anton Levay! What I really want to know is, what was the guys name who hosted the Sunday morning cartoons on KTLA channel five? I used to watch him when I spent the night over at my grandparents. I think he also used to host the Rose Parade. Anyways, he used to wear a sailor's cap and sport a pipe when he showed the old Popeye cartoons. He also played George of the Jungle, Dudley DooRight,Speedracer(?)or another race car themed cartoon, Rocky and Bullwinkle (I will always remember this gag from R&B "That's anti-histamine money. It's not to be sneezed at."), a cartoon about a young scientist who travels back in time (?) with his dog, and also Felix the Cat. What I remember most about Felix the Cat is the car lot signage, down in L.A. by the Shrine Auditorium. MY grand dad is a Shriner (complete with fez and ring and secret handshake) and we used to go to functions there. I saw the circus, plate spinners, acrobats hanging from a rope in the ceiling, I rode an elephant and won some glass ashtrays when I tossed a dime and it landed inside the dish. I also saw a production of Oklahoma there when I was about six. All I remember is the song "Poor Judd Is Dead". Probably because the actor/singer was a big man with a deep voice and holding a noose of rope. No wonder I grew up depressed. Too much Magnum PI, Simon&Simon, A Team (favorite episode: the one where "Howlin' Mad" Murdock goes to prison and screams "Trashbags, I want some trashbags!" All so he can construct a baloon chair and escape!) Sledgehammer, blah blah blah, Etc. Too much T.V. I try to regulate my intake these days, you know, watch out for the sugary stuff, avoid the empty calories. There's only so many hours in the day. Unless you do crank, then you can watch all the television you want. I'm so glad we don't have cable TV. I would never leave the house. That would make a great reality show...Aguy who just sits around his one bedroom apartment watching cable TV. Never showering. Rarely eating, and then it's only junk food. Maybe he orders in some Japanese, just to make it interesting. Rupert Murdoch are you reading this? Fox can have it. There's more where that came from. I've got ideas you don't even want to know. Well, as the stuttering pig says, "That's All Folks!" Bye for now. -This message was made possible by a grant from the Chrystler Corporation, funding from the National Endowment For The Arts, The Corporation For Pubic Broads Casting, and generous donations from viewers like Y O U !

Books:

The Flying Spaghetti Monster Lives | I have been touched by His Noodly Appendage | Join the Pastafarians | Bring back the pirates! Add me as a friend fsmismyhero

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Heroes:

Ghandi, Jesus, Doogie Howser, Huell Howzer, Mr. Goodbody, Alice Walker, Roeper (of Ebert and Roeper), The Jackson 5 (Andrew,Jesse,janet,Jocko, and Tito), the angry monkey from the Family Guy, the Pillsbury Doughboy, th StayPuff Marshmallow man, Bill Murray, Anne Margret, Margret Thatcher, Mr. T, Pat Robertson, Ron Jeremy, Marconi (the guy who invented TV), Bob hope, Rick James, James Dean, Dave Lorenzo, Tokyo Rose, JAne Fonda, Apocalypse Now era MArlon Brando, BErt (and Ernie), Ernest Tubbs, Tubbs and Crockett, anybody who wears socks with their flip flops (especially if they are wearing short pants and watering their lawn), Greg (your life is safe for now. You were right, he's not from Kids In The Hall, he's from the State)Jackson Browne, Jackson Pollock, the song by David Bowie, Tom T. Hall, Charlie Parker, whatever the guys name is who invented the Rubik's cube, Ice Cube, Ice Tea, IceBerg Slim, fat guys named Tiny, Tiny Tim, Weird Al Yankovich (For giving the world UHF, not to mention Fat), JAck Kerouak, Bob Dole, Dianna Ross, Ross Perot, Oppenheiemer (He's the bomb!), Guapo (Keep break dancin' with scisors in your pocket!), white girls with black boys, Carol Channing, Liza Minneli, Eddie Izzard, Eddie Cochran, Eddie Munster and Eddie Haskell, Beck (b4 he started repeat/repeat/repeating himself), my wife and her irresistable chonch, Kubiak and his goldenvoice (RIP Texacalis), hassidic Jews, Allen Ginsburg, Serge Gainsboro, the MArlboro Man, BP, JG, JAbles and Cage, Jakob the Liar, Grandpa Jer(I swear I loaned you my Jeff Buckley), Germ-A, Azik (Some of my friens sell records...), Ryan (the whitest bass player in the history of rawk- whatsup with the white buddies?)Malik (I'm proud to call you a friend- u really funk schitt up!) Rasta Mike, Mikey, Mike D. , San Diego Mike, Steven"I'm not Mexican"Martinez (ur still a ho toe, even though ur married)and the whole sick crew. P.S. Where Is The Love?