Matt Kaufman. Desperate Fiction profile picture

Matt Kaufman. Desperate Fiction

It was all going so well...

About Me

(There are many links in this profile which, because of Flash, will not redirect when clicked on. To follow the links, first right-click on them and copy the target URL into the address bar - Matt)There are only seven people in my "Top Friends" who would come to my funeral, FACT. One person in my top friends is in there twice; one is dead; at least four are either bands or club nights or things that are not people.I got kicked off a Kibbutz in Northern Israel at the start of July 2006 for being drunk. This turned out to be fortunate timing as Israel's conflict with Hezbollah broke out the very next week. There are some amusing photos documenting the event on She's Gone Global's Flickr accountON MATT KAUFMAN:
'You sound like a bit of a mental, but there you go. Who doesn't? Dickon Edwards: who he?' - IAIN AITCH, writer and journalist
'You'll forgive me for being a bit busy with other things at the moment' - DICKON EDWARDS, flaneur
'You know too much' - DAVE GORMAN, "documentary comedian"
'If it's any consolation, your death has greatly cheered my morning, and now I'm going to have a piece of cake in your memory' - MATT HAYNES, editor, "Smoke: a London peculiar"
'You are not doing well so far. Ha ha' - RICHARD HERRING, comedian
'Rest assured that as soon as I receive the cheque it will be winging its way to you' - NEALE McGRATH, theatrical agent
'Like an aesthetically inconsistent Gilbert & George, but without the sidekick' - TONY MINES, director, Spite Your Face Productions
'Of course I don't want to buy a bass guitar you prick' - JOHN MOORE, ex-Black Box Recorder
'Matt is a very nice boy and I'm glad I met him' - ROS MURRAY, Electrelane
'I've never met anyone so critical of their own face' - RIA OSBORNE, photographer
'Matt Kaufman - is he a nice guy?' - SIMON PEGG
'Struggling artist? Go on then, you've convinced me' - MICK ROCK
'It's not my sort of thing at all' - WILL SELF
'Be cool' - EVERETT TRUE, "controversial" British music journalist
'I'm sure you'll do a fine job' - DANIELLE WARD, comedienne
'Don't be a knob' - EFFIE WOODS, actressTHE SCHOOLS OF MATT KAUFMAN:1987 - 1988: Rothersthorpe Montessori School, Northamptonshire 1989 - 1992: Holmwood First School, Great Holm, Milton Keynes 1992: Two Mile Ash Middle School, Two Mile Ash, Milton Keynes 1992 - 1996: Watling Way Middle School, Galley Hill, Stony Stratford, Milton Keynes 1996 - 1997: Stantonbury Campus Secondary School (Portway Hall), Stantonbury, Milton Keynes 1997 - 1998: Warwick School for Boys (School House), Warwick 1998 - 2000: The Trinity Catholic School (Dormer Hall), Warwick 2000 - 2002: Stratford-upon-Avon College, Stratford-upon-AvonThe Poor School saga - coming soon...THE JOBS OF MATT KAUFMAN:1996 - 1997: THE MILTON KEYNES CITIZEN, deliveries to Great Holm, Milton Keynes MK8 1999: STAYBRITE WINDOWS, Warwick Street, Royal Leamington Spa, CV32 2000: AMBER WINDOWS, Warwick Street, Royal Leamington Spa, CV32 2001: TESCO METRO, The Parade, Royal Leamington Spa CV32 2002 - 2003: FOPP RECORDS LTD., Warwick Street, Royal Leamington Spa CV32 2003 - 2004: FOPP RECORDS LTD., Earlham Street, WC2 2004 - 2005: VIRGIN MEGASTORE, Piccadilly W1J 2005: WATERSTONE'S, Imperial College SW7 2006: ITCHY CITY GUIDES, Liverpool Road N1 2006: SCRIBBLER, Wardour Street, W1D 2006: KIBBUTZ YIFTAH, Upper Galilee, ISRAEL 2006: ITCHY CITY GUIDES, Liverpool Road N1 2006 - 2007: WATERSTONE'S, Islington Green N1

My Interests

(I do nothing, all day, every day. Some say, "This is not possible, you must do something, you must take pleasure in something," to which I say, no, I don't. My regular day is as follows: wake at 5pm, puff away at a tab, eat some chocolate, spend until 8am the following morning on MySpace and Facebook, fall asleep again. The only activity to occupy my days is finding a new sofa to kip on for the night - Matt)HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS The addresses of MATT KAUFMAN:Jan 1984 – Dec 1986: Haslemere Road, Crouch End N81986 – 1988: Valley Road, Wellingborough NN81988 – 1989: Loriner Place, Down's Barn, Milton Keynes MK141989 – Jan 1995: Haddon, Great Holm, Milton Keynes MK8199?: Premier Travel Inn, Brickhill Street, Willen Lake, Milton Keynes MK15Jan 1995 – Jul 1997: Gatcombe, Great Holm, Milton Keynes MK81996: Shenley Road, Hemel Hempstead HP21997: Redbridge, Stantonbury, Milton Keynes MK14Jul 1997 – Apr 1998: Leam Terrace, Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire CV31Apr 1998: The Courtyard Marriott Hotel, Olympus Avenue, Tachbrook Park, Warwick CV34May 1998: Park Cottage Guest House, West Street, Warwick CV34May – Jun 1998: England Crescent, Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire CV31Jun – Nov 1998: Hanworth Road, Warwick, Warwickshire CV34Nov 1998 – Jul 2002: Leam Terrace, Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire CV31Jun 2002: Claremont Road, Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire CV31Jul 2002 – Apr 2003: Portland Place, Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire CV32Apr – May 2003: The Warren, Radlett, Herts. WD7May – Dec 2003: Wilmot Street, Bethnal Green E2Dec 2003 – Aug 2004: Fairfield Road, Bow E3Aug 2004: The Sycamores, The Avenue, Radlett, Herts. WD7Aug – Dec 2004: Mulberry Close, New Barnet EN4Dec 2004 – Feb 2005: Sherwood Street, Soho W1Feb – Sep 2005: Cabbell Street, Marylebone NW1Aug 2005: Greene Avenue, Brooklyn, NEW YORKSep 2005 – Jan 2006: York Road, New Barnet EN5Jan – Feb 2006: North Street, Isleworth TW10Feb 2006: Ambler Road, Finsbury Park N4Feb 2006: Archway Road, Highgate N6Feb 2006: Belgrave Road, Victoria SW1Feb 2006: Sherwood Street, Soho W1Feb – Apr 2006: West Hill Court, Millfield Lane, Highgate N6Apr 2006: Rehov Gordon, Tel Aviv, ISRAELApr – Jul 2006: Yiftah, Galilee, ISRAELJul 2006: Rehov Hayarkon, Tel Aviv, ISRAELJul 2006: Rehov Ben Yehuda, Tel Aviv, ISRAELJul 2006: Islington Park Street, Highbury & Islington N1Jul 2006: York Road, New Barnet EN5Jul 2006: Ash Grove, Stratford-upon-Avon CV37Jul 2006: St. Bride's Close, Royal Leamington Spa CV31Jul 2006: Monson Road, New Cross SE14Jul 2006: New Kent Road, Elephant & Castle SE1Jul 2006: Braemar Road, Canning Town E13Jul – Oct 2006: Islington Park Street, Highbury & Islington N1Oct 2006 – May 2007: Archway Road, Highgate N6May 2007: Turin Street, Bethnal Green E2May 2007: St. John's Villas, Upper Holloway N19May 2007: Route de la Cascade, Grandvillard, SWITZERLANDMay 2007: Spondon Road, Tottenham N15May 2007: Burnt Oak Broadway, Middlesex HA8Jun 2007: Muswell Hill Place, Muswell Hill N10Jun – Jul 2007: Burnt Oak Broadway, Middlesex HA8Jul 2007: Florence Drive, Enfield EN2Jul 2007: Anson Road, Tufnell Park N7Jul 2007: Mount Ephraim Road, Streatham SW16Jul – Aug 2007: Woodlands Road, Isleworth TW7Aug 2007: Londesborough Road, Stoke Newington N16Aug 2007: Gaveston Road, Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire CV32Aug – Sep 2007: Turin Street, Bethnal Green E2Sep 2007: Aldenham Grove, Radlett, Hertfordshire WD7

I'd like to meet:

I once shared two words with GENE WILDER about multi-buy discounts on books in Waterstone's.
ALEXEI SAYLE is wonderful; first I thought he was going to bite me but in fact he's just a big pussycat.
DAVE GORMAN , I can't apologise enough.
The same goes for you, SIMON PEGG and DICKON EDWARDS .
I'd still like to meet Catherine Baker .View All Friends | View Blog | View Pics | Add Comment

Music:

You might have seen MATT KAUFMAN as an extra in the video for Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse's new single, a cover of The Zutons' "Valerie" , had he not walked off the set after scoffing the free lunch, therefore missing most of the actual shoot.He currently plays bass guitar for LANGUAGE OF PRAIRIE DOGS (Holloway, 2004-present) and has previously played the bass for:* NAKED WITH HORSES (New Cross, 2005-06)* ELYSIUM [mk.II] (Bethnal Green, 2003-04)* TONI MARIE IOMMI (Stratford-upon-Avon, 2003)* THE SHARKEY RUSSELL TRIBUTE BAND (RLS, 2003)* THE HECKLERS (Stratford-upon-Avon, 2002-03)* ELYSIUM (Royal Leamington Spa, 1999-2002) with Dean Sobers, Oliver Stewart and Sean HealySOME BANDS MATT KAUFMAN HAS SEEN RECENTLY AND FANCIES ALL THE MEMBERS OF RATHER ALARMINGLY:* his own band, LANGUAGE OF PRAIRIE DOGS* the joy to behold that is IPSO FACTO

Movies:

March 2005 e-mail from Orian Williams, producer of Anton Corbijn's Ian Curtis biopic, CONTROL:"Matt Thank you for the submission, we are far off from casting I'll keep your stuff handly until that point. Orian Williams"May 2005 e-mail:"Matt,Thank you for your emailUnfortunately right now we have someone in mind to play Hooky. If it falls through we will hold a casting sometime in July.Best Orian"MATT KAUFMAN could have been seen in the "romantic" "comedy" movie Heroes and Villains , if the production company had ever released the DVD. Instead, you will have to make do with an out-of-focus photo on IMDB (see below)[ Blurry production still from the movie ][ Scathing but fair review in The Guardian ][ Official, but rarely-updated, MySpace page for the movie ]MATT KAUFMAN has appeared on a couple of other films to date, few of which he has actually seen himself (the directors keep disappearing into obscurity, usually with my fee - Matt):HEROES AND VILLAINS "Man in cafe" (uncredited) [2006 - dir. Selwyn Roberts*]PASSING "Man at bookstall" [2005 - dir. Andy Thomas]UNTITLED "Michael" [2005 - dir. Leon McFarlane]MAN IN BUSH "Man in bush" [2000 - dir. Noel Edwards]A Fish Out of Water "Boy" [1995 - dir. Faye Gilbert**]Inspired by the fact that any old banker can get a movie made (as demonstrated above), MATT KAUFMAN is on the second draft of his screenplay SEX & DEATH, which will rip-off Woody Allen's "Manhattan" far more lovingly than "Someone Else" (that Stephen Mangan film which surely can't be any good at all, currently to be seen advertised on the London Underground). He will try to sell it to either Girl and a Gun Productions, run by his friend Bea, or Two Sharks Productions, run by an Irish geezer called Stephen whom he met whilst on the piss at the 2006 East End Film Festival, or Fox via a bloke called Chris whom he also met on said piss-up, at the aftershow party for Richard E. Grant's directorial debut, and whose sister it turns out MATT KAUFMAN went to school with in Milton Keynes.[* Selwyn Roberts was the Associate Producer on Clive Barker's "Hellraiser" in 1987] [** Faye Gilbert was nominated for a BAFTA in 2000 for her short film "Perdie"]FILMS MATT KAUFMAN HAS RECENTLY WATCHED include:Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (dir. Hayao Miyazaki, 1984)The Dresser starring Albert Finney, Tom Courtenay, Edward Fox (dir. Peter Yates, 1983)The Stunt Man starring Peter O'Toole, Barbara Hershey, Steve Railsback (dir. Richard Rush, 1980)The Lion in Winter starring Peter O'Toole, Kathryn Hepburn, Anthony Hopkins, Timothy Dalton (dir. Anthony Harvey, 1968)

Television:

Coming soon

Books:

"It was notoriously impossible to starve in London, so there was nothing to be anxious about."MATT KAUFMAN has been writing the same book, "Like Spinning Plates", for three years now. The first paragraph is really coming along in leaps and bounds. He has also been struggling to attempt to write a play, "The Pink Shirts of Success"He never kept a 'blog, but did write short stories once a week for six months. These were never collected in a volume, but when they are they will be called "Treading Water". MATT KAUFMAN's large stack of rejection letters from publishers may one day be turned into an amusing book for the Xmas market entitled "Unsolicited Submissions"His only published works thus far are his self-penned obituary (which appeared in Smoke: a London peculiar issue 9) and a story about how he couldn't even pay a prostitute for sex (which an Indian literary journal, the Taj Mahal Review, somehow picked up for their December 2006 edition)PULPMATT KAUFMAN collects the novels of Evelyn Waugh, but only the 1970s Penguin editions with the Art Deco designs by Bentley/Farrell/Burnett. The only title missing from his collection is "When the Going Was Good"MATT KAUFMAN’s favourite author is either Julian Maclaren-Ross or John Fante, depending on who you ask. Unless you ask a man named Jack Faulkner, in which case you get neither of these answers. He will tell you George MacDonald Fraser or George OrwellMATT KAUFMAN was born in 1984. 1984 is otherwise spelled "Nineteen Eighty-Four". Spookily, he was born on the very day of the anniversary of George Orwell’s death. George Orwell of course being the man who wrote "Keep the Aspidistra Flying"MAGAZINES & NEWSPAPERSThe only magazines MATT KAUFMAN reads are Private Eye and Viz. He has bought The Guardian only once, and that was for someone else

Heroes:

(Not strictly heroes of mine; rather, people - and a shop - I have known who are now dead - Matt)Josh Kirby 1928 – 2001 (natural causes, Diss, Norfolk, GB) Popular fantasy artist, responsible for the Return of the Jedi and the Monty Python's Life of Brian movie posters. Oh, and the Discworld coversAlan Crompton-Batt 1954 – 2004 (pneumonia, Cape Town, SA) PR man credited with inventing Marco Pierre WhiteAndy Roberts 1963 – 2005 (road accident, Bethnal Green, London, GB) Songwriter, guitarist and vocalist in the London-based band LinusBarnaby Kellett 1985 – 2007 (accidental death by falling, Bristol, GB) Promising young actorFopp Records Ltd. 1981 – 2007 (bankruptcy, nationwide, GB) "Independent" cheapo record shopRonnie Kaufman 1926 – 2007 (old age, Colney Hatch Lane, London, GB) London cabbie and grandfather