BATTLECRUISER

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BIRCHVILLE CAT MOTEL
'Birds Sister Blasphemy'
compact disc $12nz
Oh dear Lord... NO! Just when the heavy meds were kicking in and I was beginning to think there might be some kinda universal point to all this working and eating and sleeping, Birchville Cat Motel re-adjusts the good/evil ratio back. Thanks. No really, thanks a lot. You'll no doubt be as delighted as I am to hear this is NOT the new Black Boned Angel album, in fact Mr Cat Motel himself told me this has "more to with W.A.S.P, 'Kill Em All' styled too-tight denim, and big white sneakers than the ceremonial pre-historicism of the current neo-doom movement". PRE-HISTORICISM?! What a dick. These prowling, growling eruptions of frantic thrash'o'delia will surely attract babes like a burning tyre scented aftershave. Is that a twin guitar solo in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
DEVOID OF ALL MERCY
'Your Children Left With The Stranger'
compact disc $12nz
EEeew. As the positively revolting title might suggest to some of you who are alert and paying attention, this release is a veritable shrine to perverted, in-bred, hillbilly atrocity. Misanthropic to a degree I previously thought impossible, this is quite simply the BLACKEST of folk/horror-inspired black metal (or should I say black metal inspired, horror-folk?) with an unbelievably high 'Deliverance' factor. Think rusty pickup trucks and cages in the basement. Think pathetic whimpering death. Sounds like the house in 'The Blair Witch Project' or the forest in 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' or maybe the sledgehammer in 'Misery'... I feel strangely compelled to shower. Again and again.
MIRAG
'Black Temple Carved In Smoke'
compact disc $12nz
Urgh, my aching head! The 'apparently very mighty' Matthew Bower wrinkles up the spacetime continuum in car-sickness inducing fashion... cleaving a hole through my frontal lobe and transmogrifying my spindley legs to boneless black jelly. The asphyxiating riffs just keep coming and coming, turning all to darkness, daaaaarkness... no escape, NO ESCAAAAPE! AAAAargh... argh... urrrh. Right before I passed out I had a split-second vision of a neon-pink Blackie Lawless telling me his band was "back and stronger than ever!". I thought I had either died and gone to some kinda cat-piss stinky heaven or I was doomed to spend eternity in a gothic girls wardrobe. The most frightening thing this one-man behemoth has ever committed to tape. NO ESCAAA-AAA-AAAPE...
BLACK BONED ANGEL
'Eternal Hunger'
compact disc $12nz
SORRY, SOLD OUT... ABOUT TO BE REISSUED ON VINYL LP ALONG WITH 'ETERNAL LOVE' EP ON RIOT SEASON (UK)
If once every thousand years a monk licks a mountain... I guess EVENTUALLY it will become a pebble. Although I'd prefer to drink my own spew rather than wait around for this to actually happen, the idea seems rather more attractive than being locked in an enclosed space with a candle-snuffer like 'Eternal Hunger'. "Any band whose shows turn to custard after their morbidly-obese bottom-end blasts their own power plugs out of the wall, should be be strictly avoided" seems like a sensible proverb that all good people who refuse to eat small children should attempt to live by. A sickening seismic rupture of unplumbed magnitude as the angels roll up the four corners of the earth at a top speed of 2kph. The floors are swept, the lights are turned out, and God goes home. I'll stick with my bargain-bin Bolt Thrower cassettes... chow down little monk!
ALL PRICES ARE QUOTED IN $NZ
POSTAGE: $7NZ for 1st item, $2NZ each additional item