About Me
- NME HISTORY -NME were founded 20 years ago when four guys simultaneously realized that there was a magazine from all the way across an ocean that no one had stolen the name from yet. After seizing upon a name they were sure no other band had used, NME (the band) quickly set about trying to prove NME (the magazine) had stolen their name. This was perhaps a foolhardy thing to attempt, since NME (the magazine) had not only been around for several years, it also had the foresight to copyright its name. Vocals, stated, “NME is nothing but a collection of snippets from old porno magazines. Each issue is glued together, and sometimes you can still see cum stains.†NME (the magazine) pointed out that this was outright slander, which led to a lawsuit. Vocals of course had no money, and was sentenced to 15 years of hard labor for denouncing a conglomerate corporation. As the years went by, he spent each rock breaking moment enraged that he'd been tricked by Drums to be the one to deliver the now infamous “cum stain†accusation.
Vocals spent years planning his escape and revenge, but like the rest of NME (the band), he instead spent the years smuggling beer. So, before he'd actually begun his proposed 300 foot spoon-dug trench, he was released because the warden wanted Vocals to found his own ale company, having taken particular delight in his “microbrewed†Golden Fall Ale. Instead of founding a new beer production company, Vocals went into hiding, biding time while trying to figure out the best way to get back at Drums.
Meanwhile, NME (the band) had continued the crusade against NME (the magazine); insisting that the editor had been behind the shooting of Jam Master Jay. This particular lie had severe repercussions later, given that Jay was still alive at the time. When Jay was shot in 2002, NME (the band) became prime suspects in the case, and found themselves in front of a jury. In between the legal proceedings with NME (the magazine), NME (the band) had written no less than 112 songs in an alcohol-fueled burst of creativity. Of those 112, they paired it down to 30 to choose from for their first album. The pruning process wasn't too difficult, as the other 82 songs had essentially been bursts of noise with a sample of Ned Beatty squealing placed over the top and called “Squeal Piggy 1-82†Using the money they'd procured from writing Michael Jackson's multi-platinum album Thriller, NME set about recording their 30 songs. When NME got into the studio, they realized that of the 30 songs, 26 of them had actually been part of the “Squeal Ned†series. That left them with four tracks, which they laid down as the Machine of War demo tape. The tracks were “Love Smell,†“Regal Post,†“Fun Peak Table,†and “I Said, 'Rain!’†Unfortunately, the person that was transcribing the songs misheard Bass when he said the titles of the songs, resulting in the tape being labeled as containing “Of Hell,†“Lethal Dose,†“Unspeakable,†and “Acid Reign.†This was to be a bane of NME's career, as each future recording of “Regal Post†they felt obligated to call it “Lethal Dose†so as not to mock those fans who believed the titling. If you listen closely to the original recording, you can in fact hear that those four tracks have entirely different lyrics to later versions.
With a demo in the can, NME (the band) thought it was time to have another go at NME (the magazine). Loudly proclaiming on several talk shows that NME (the magazine) was worthless, NME (the band) issued the statement: “WE have recorded the four best tunes in the history of the world. What has NME (the magazine) done for music? That's right, nothing!†NME (the magazine) did not dignify NME (the band)'s claims, and eventually NME (the band) became too drunk to remember that they’d been involved in an aggressive bash session, anyway.
To follow up their whirlwind of anti-NME (the magazine) activity, NME (the band) decided to allow New Renaissance to release a few of their songs on a compilation called Santa's Revenge. Initially the record was to come out in November in time for the holidays, but a delay saw it actually released early the next year. The quick thinkers at New Renaissance realized that by just changing the order of a few letters, they could pretend the whole thing hadn't been set up as a Christmas album, and released it as Satan's Revenge. Unfortunately, NME had decided to do something very special for the compilation, and recorded what those who heard it consider to be their masterpiece. A 17-minute epic thrash number entitled “I Hope Lars Gets Sodomized With Coal By Santa,†the track featured several pointed lines aimed at that goony Metallica member, Lars Ulrich. Once again, NME were trendsetters, commenting on Lars’ idiocy well before most people even knew who he was. The song contained such immortal lines as: “Sodomize him with lengthy fig bars, Shove candy canes up the backside of Lars, He really sucks, he's dumber than a plant-a, I hope Lars Gets Sodomized with Coal By Santa.†But because the song featured the prevalent Christmas cheer that NME was soon to become well known for, New Renaissance thought it wouldn't fit in with their reworked compilation. It was sadly scraped, and “Love Smell†was quickly added in its place, only it was now officially “Of Hell.†NME had sent New Renaissance the only copy of “I Hope Lars...,†and when it got cut, somehow the recording was lost. Many an NME fan has long pined for this lost track, which prominently featured several interesting rhymes for “sodomy,†a trash can solo, and the vocal stylings of Olivia Newton John's younger brother Newt Newton John. Private collectors have offered substantial sums of money to anyone that turns up a copy of the recording. Over the years, several bootleg editions have been found in circulation, but anyone unfortunate enough to purchase them would be saddened to find they all actually contains three different versions of “Hello Mudda.†After the tragic loss of what the band still considers their piece de resistance, NME went into hiding, each going their own separate way.
Bass became a crash test dummy, Drums used his new found ability of growing hair to help create wigs, and Vocals was still in hiding. Guitars moved to South America, and began smuggling large amounts of guns and ammunition across the Equator. Earning millions in a matter of months. Guitars became a major player in almost everything illegal on the southern continent. He would no doubt still be in South America, but he was deported when a Safeway in Hocodeloville framed him for stealing a Corona. His assets were frozen, and he returned back to his homeland, stopping briefly to try and drum up some interest in funding for his would be archeology career. After seeing Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom he believed he really could find treasures in lost worlds, and managed to get enough financing for a bus fare back to the Pacific Northwest.
Meanwhile, Drums and Vocals had made up. Upon Guitars' return, NME (the band) decided it was time to reform, but had to wait while Guitars went looking for Aztec treasure in Longview. When he came back broke and smelling of cheap whiskey, NME set about writing some more songs. Once again, an alcohol fueled writing frenzy ensued, this time with the band producing 4 songs almost immediately. They later realized that they'd plagiarized themselves, and that "I Said, 'Rain!'" and the other tracks were songs they'd written for their first demo. Naturally, NME decided that they should sue. Taking themselves to court for plagiary didn't work out, so they turned to their favorite target, NME (the magazine). Claiming that NME (the magazine) had written subliminal messages in their publication that forced NME (the band) to steal from themselves, NME (the band) asked for punitive damages in excess of four million dollars, or assistance in unfreezing Guitars' accounts in Brazil. The case was thrown out of court, and NME (the magazine) asked that a restraining order be placed on NME (the band). As a result, no present, past, or future member of NME (the band) may visit England. This ruling caused some confusion when it was realized that virtually anyone could be a future member of NME, and all Americans were briefly denied access to Britain. The ruling was then modified to include only those established as part of NME (the band). The banning of the band from England created quite a furor, and later Ozzy Osbourne would try to create a similar media circus by suing The Alamo for making him bite the head off a pigeon. When that didn't work for Ozzy, he just peed on the building. NME became enraged with Ozzy Osbourne, and sued him for stealing their idea of lawsuit scandal as a promotion item. Unfortunately, Ozzy just went back to England, where none of the band could follow. So, NME turned its attention back to the studio and re-recorded their 4 songs, plus 7 others written in courtrooms around the world.
Signed by Dutch East India Trading, NME enjoyed a lavish 19 months in the studio, honing and perfecting their songs. Problems arose, though, when Bass became a Free Mason. He was able to cover the life long membership fee okay, but was promised he would be able to identify the true beings from the lizard demons if he would only pay an additional $50 dollars. To come up with the cash, Bass sold the band's tapes to someone looking for some blanks, and the recordings were lost. Bass was unable to get to the next level of Masonry even with his $50 though, because it turns out he'd actually been conversing with a cigarette machine. Dutch East were on the band for a deadline. Their recording budget spent, NME’s members collectively went out and sold sperm and blood until they had roughly $400. This would only pay for an additional four hours of recording and mixing. The funds for artwork were also exhausted, so Guitars got a copy of a local newspaper and Jello Biafra'd something up. Bass returned just in time to finish up the recording, and helped the band with mixing by bashing his head into a wall, perhaps flashing back to his crash test dummy days.
The record was shipped off to the label in that day’s post. Two days later, the vinyl was pressed and it was in stores. Originally to be titled “Unholy Death of a Submarine Sandwich,†Guitars found that he didn't have enough letters for the full title due to a slow news day, so it was truncated to “Unholy Death.†It was released the day the Challenger exploded, causing many to view it as the most evil record of all time. That was certainly the case in Sweden, where Unholy Death went on to influence several black metal bands like Venom.
Several cults arose dedicated to the NME camp, believing the band had special connections with the dark forces and the ability to blow up their enemies (provided they were heading for outer space). NME decided to use these cult members as test subjects for psychology studies. Telling the cult members that for every chalupa sent to them, the band would smite one enemy, NME sat back and watched the Mexican food roll in. Each time they got a chalupa, the band would proceed to deem it unworthy and tell the person that brought it that in order to regain the esteem of NME, they would need to use the chalupa to scale a skyscraper. This skyscraper climbing never went very well. But repeatedly cult members would attempt to “Chalupa Climb.†The end result was always a couple of bruises, and some very dirty first floor windows. The “Chalupa Climb†later briefly became an Olympics event, but when England hosted the Olympics and NME couldn't go, it was decided to drop the activity, since without NME's influence no one would really attempt such a thing. As the event was phased out of the Olympics, rouge Chalupa Climbers decided that the chalupa technique might work better on rocks. This resulted in not only a big mess, it also rendered the chalupas completely dirty and inedible. NME were never ones to waste food, unless it was funny, so they publicly condemned the Chalupa Rock Climbers. The few in number, but big in stubbornness, remaining Chalupa Climbers of buildings did not take kindly to NME's denouncement of their countrified brethren. They began climbing buildings without the proper authority of an NME decree, and soon found themselves being arrested repeatedly. This prompted NME to write a song called “Chalupa Climbers Are Okay In City Limits (As Long As They Still Eat the Chalupa Afterwards)†The song was never finished because he band realized they couldn't fit the title into a chorus.
At this point, NME went through a slight period of unproductiveness. Many have wondered what happened in this 10-year stretch, and now, for the first time, it shall be explained.
It began when Drums got arrested. He'd tried to order a baby rhino from the zoo. He was forcefully informed that rhinos were not for sale. Drums did not accept this minor hiccup in his rhino dreams. Late one night, Drums snuck out to his car, which wasn't really necessary because no one cared if he drove it. He took some tranquilizers with him and one of the large Hefty bags. He broke to the zoo, but was dismayed to find that there was no baby rhino at all. Drums decided he'd have to make do with a full sized rhino, but to make up for having to settle, he also took a sign about being aware of wet rhino farts. He shot the rhino with tranquilizer and tried to fit it in the hefty bag, but the bag broke. Annoyed, Drums drove his car through the zoo gate, quickly tied the rhino to his bumper, and attempted to drive off. The rhino was a bit too big to be pulled by Drums' Gremlin, so Drums had to wait till the tranqs wore off a bit so the rhino could walk behind the car. This was probably for the best, because it would've been unpleasant for all concerned if the streets had been repaved with rhino hide. Drums towed the rhino to his local Safeway, and went inside to complain about the supposedly “Never Break†Hefty bags he'd purchased. Suddenly there was a loud commotion at the store's front. It appeared the tranqs were now completely out of its system, and the rhino was charging the aisles. The police arrived with animal control, and Drums was sentenced to four years for Endangering the General Public with a Rhino in the 3rd degree.
As Drums was about to get released, Bass was arrested and detained for the sale of skunk skin hats. Bass had not realized that he needed to remove the skunk's spray pouch, and so several of his customers had accidentally triggered the deceased animals’ defense mechanisms. It might have been settled out of court, but one of the skunks went off on Barbara Bush. Years later, while visiting Japan, her husband vomited on another person, and blamed it on the stench his wife still exuded. “Having to sit next to Bar for the whole flight over made me a bit queasy. Sorry, little fella,†was how Bush tried to cover the ordeal. Bass was sentenced to one year for Assaulting the VP's Wife With a Skunk. The furor that this incident caused lead a budding Japanese band, Abigail, to check out NME’s work. Thoroughly impressed, Abigail remain some of NME’s biggest supporters, and have recorded covers of several tracks from Unholy Death.
Vocals didn't like how things had been going, and decided to leave NME. He sold all his possessions except for a single handkerchief and stick, thinking it gave him a quiet dignity. Later he would be quite annoyed that he hadn't kept anything to store in the bundle, resulting in his marches down long roads looking like he was playing a game of capture the flag, and not at all like he was on a life fulfilling journey of discovery. Vocals found his travels taking him East, mostly because there wasn't much land further West than Seattle and he'd never learned to swim. He ended up in Richmond, where he decided to settle down and raise a family. When this didn't happen immediately for him, he chose instead to become the world's richest dairy farmer. Buying a cow and giving it the rather clichéd name of Betsy, Vocals then began milking constantly. Touting his milk as the best in all of America, the number of cows he owned soon grew to two, then three, and then exponentially all the way up to 3,000. With the world under his feet, Vocals essentially lived the life of a recluse, coming out of his multi-story mansion only when REO Speedwagon came to town.
Guitars decided NME needed to carry on even without Vocals. To inspire his remaining bandmate (down to only one as Bass was still in jail) Guitars decided to convince Drums that their band's quest was of divine origin. Purchasing a wooden cup at a thrift store for 27 cents, Guitars hid the cup in Drums' bass drum. While practicing, Drums would often complain that there was a noise coming from his kit, to which Guitars would reply, “That's God's rattle.†Drums continued playing with the annoying noise for several weeks. Finally, Drums decided to investigate the sound. Discovering the wooden cup, he asked Guitars what it was. Guitars said he had no idea how it got there, but that it was obviously the Holy Grail that those rabbit builders had been on about. Drums was so taken aback by the appearance of the relic that he ran out the door singing “Hallelujah.†Taking his treasure to Billy Graham, Drums proclaimed it was the cup of Christ. Billy Graham did not respond well to this, and said Drums was mocking his religion. Graham retaliated by sicking a strung out Tammy Fay Baker on Drums. While defending himself, Drums broke his cup. Depressed beyond belief, Drums once again ran out the door, this time winding up in a bar and attempting to drown his sorrows. Drums got himself drunker than he'd ever been before, which is quite an achievement, actually, and wound up arrested for Drunken Disorderliness.
Guitars was now alone, pining for his bandmates spread out in various penal institutions and dairy farms across the nation. But he would not let his group die. His first idea to keep NME going strong was to sire several children, who he would raise to be his musicians. After his first son was born, he realized that children would need at least a year before they'd be able to handle an instrument, and placed this idea on the back burner. While trying to think of another plan, he absentmindedly strolled across a busy intersection, and was nabbed for jaywalking. He was made Bass's cellmate for his three-week stint, which gave Guitars even more drive to keep NME alive. When he was released, he did the one thing he knew would bring NME (the band) back together.
Guitars knew he needed the band could rally around. Because he lacked an alliterated battle cry like “Avengers assemble,†he knew all he had was NME (the band) collective’s one big adversary, NME (the magazine). Getting NME (the magazine) in court proved to be difficult, as Guitars was banned from England. However, with the use of a fake moustache and a stolen Guam passport Guitars soon found himself in Great Britain.
He proceeded directly to the courthouse, only to discover the tragic flaw in his plan: When he announced why he’d brought suit against NME (the magazine), it was quite clear he wasn’t supposed to be in the courthouse, let alone the country. Saddened by his deportation and the detaining of his false moustache for questioning, Guitars made the long trek home wallowing in misery. Fortunately, all was not in vain.
The other members of NME (the band) had indeed taken notice of Guitars actions. When he returned home, he was greeted by his bandmates, all ready to give it another go, with the exception of Vocals, who was still farming cows. The other members tried to get Vocals to return, but he refused on account of Drums always calling him “Llapitan and Tenile.†This left NME with a tough question: Could they forage on without a vocalist? The answer was obviously no. Unable to figure out what to do, the remaining three members decided to draw straws. Unfortunately, Drums put two long straws into the bunch, so both Bass and Guitars ended up with long ones and were assigned vocal duties. Drums was distraught over this, as he’d really wanted to give up the kit and move to the mic. He abated when promised he would get all the groupies the band attracted because, according to Bass, “Chicks dig guys with rhythm.†With the line up only slightly less complete than before, NME decided it was time to announce their comeback.
On the way to the huge press junket, problems arose. The band’s driver made what he referred to as a “Quick stop†at a bank on the way. That quick stop turned into a 15-hour standoff with the police. NME weren’t sure what to do, so they left the car after 11 hours and tried to go inside. Nabbed by the police surrounding the building, NME explained that they were waiting for their driver. The police took this the wrong way, and NME and their driver were arrested.
Luckily, all three members shared a cell. This allowed them to write more music. By the end of their two-year sentence, they had written no less than four songs. One less, if truth be told, since one of them was “Evil Dead†again. The other three tracks were “Taste of Anger,†“Repeat and Die,†and “The Showers Are Grimy.†Just prior to their release, NME recorded the songs on a phonograph they’d constructed from two safety pins, a toilet bowl, a pizza box, and an elephant foot trashcan. Their master recording was made on a piece of vinyl nicked from the shop area. Unable to wait for a proper release, NME decided to press their own copies. The only supply they had in abundance was soap, so the band hand carved out several hundred cover sleeves, titling the EP Songbirds. The band then set about replicating each groove from the original vinyl by playing the master and then digging a matching groove in a soap discus with an unfolded paperclip. After 666 records had been created, NME proudly put them each in a sleeve, glad that each cover was a slightly different edition. The records were playability was never tested, as Guitars left the pile out in the sun, and all the records melted into their covers, which in turn melted into the other albums. The copying process had worn out the original master, so the recording was lost. The members of NME were so disheartened by this turn of events that they’ve never been able to bring themselves to re-record the material of Songbirds.
Meanwhile, Vocals continued to farm cattle.
Drums was released from jail first, and he quickly began looking for a rental place for his bandmates to live when they got out. He hitchhiked into Kenmore, and began scouring the listings for appropriate apartments. Drums thought he was on to a hot lead right away when the owner of a Laundromat directed him to a place she had “for rent out back.†Plunking down the last of his money on the apartment, Drums was dismayed when he got out back and found that he’d rented a small cardboard box that was going to be collected by the rubbish crew the following day. Enraged, Drums stormed back in to demand a refund. But the Laundromat owner called the police, claiming a roving derelict was threatening her. Drums was arrested again, and sent back to jail.
Next out was Bass. He too went in search of a good rental, but had unfortunately not saved any money. Bass took to panhandling performances, but found few people were willing to pay him for bashing his forehead into fire hydrants. Another drawback was that he often knocked himself out hitting his temple on the hydrants’ hookups, and when he awoke, bums had always taken what little change he’d accrued. Frustrated, Bass began living in an arboretum, living off a variety of leaves. He mistakenly consumed some poison asparagus, and had to be hospitalized. While in the hospital, Bass decided it might be a good idea to play Tarzan and swing from the roof on his IV. A good idea turned band, and Bass found himself plummeting three stories down, crashing into a balcony, and nearly ripping a vein out. The hospital called the police, who mistakenly ruled the fall a suicide attempt. Bass was charged with reckless endangerment of himself, and rejoined his incarcerated bandmates.
Guitars would’ve been released next, but on his way out of the prison, he flipped off the warden. Bad timing had the “bird†movement coincide with Guitars tripping on a rock, stumbling into the warden with finger blazing. The warden said it was a nasal assault, and Guitars was promptly turned around and sent back to his cell.
Eventually the group paid its debt to society, and once released, the band went north. On the way, Drums revealed that he’d always hated the TV show Flipper. Guitars and Bass also said they hated the show, with Bass adding he’d heard that dolphin tasted like chicken. This intrigued the rest of the band, so they decided to go even further north and hunt for dolphin. The first bottlenose they brought down was roasted on a beach. The band were delighted with the unique flavor of the aquatic mammal, and soon found themselves eating two or three dolphins a week. When Green Peace did a survey and found entire pods decimated and the species now endangered, the organization plead for locals to help ensure dolphin safety and stop poachers. Guitars and Bass then admitted they hadn’t hated Flipper and had just wanted to fit in, and that they really loved dolphins. Drums caved into peer pressure, and the band began attacking anyone they suspected of illegally harvesting dolphin. After an attempt to blow up a ferry because they saw someone board they thought might be of Finnish descent, NME were detained and sent back south. Dolphin populations rose expediently thereafter.
Back in Seattle, NME decided it was time for a comeback. But before they could come back, they needed a new logo. Each band member went off and designed a new look for the three letters, but it did not go well. Two members merely arranged their instruments into the letters of the band name and took a photo. Guitars went to a Guitars store and laid out 17 Guitars to spell “NME,†and Drums used much the much more practical element of drumsticks. Bass forgot about the project and spent the evening drinking. When he woke up the next day, he realized his error, and so quickly typed NME on his typewriter. Since Guitars and Drums were furious with each other for stealing their respective ideas, Bass was the only one able to get more than his own vote for his proposed logo, and so the typewriter font was used.
Meanwhile, Vocals continued to farm cattle.
With the hard part of getting the logo all done, NME were ready to coast through the easy part of recording a comeback EP. But before they got started, it was announced the Moribund Records wanted to reissue Unholy Death. Ecstatic, NME sent all the materials they could find to the Moribund office. In their haste, NME grabbed almost everything in their rehearsal room, most of which was just beer bottle empties. When Moribund asked what happened, NME explained the chaos of their practice area. Moribund were so surprised at the presumed state of the NME practice space they dubbed it the War Zone. When initial reports on CNN confused people, making them think that the Pacific Northwest was under attack, the channel renamed NME’s place as The War Room. The title has remained to this day.
Moribund were able to locate the original tapes to Unholy Death amidst the junk NME had thrown in, and began prepping the release. NME had also managed to toss in some useful things in the lot of garbage they sent to Moribund, serendipitously submitting some previously unreleased NME material. These new songs were added to the CD with the idea of having a deluxe limited edition followed up with an unlimited edition that would feature only the original tracks.
While waiting for the reissue, NME went into the studio to record a new version of the Machine of War demo, featuring the songs as they were being played now, and toss out a couple of other new songs they planned to write on the way to the studio. Enlisting Tom from The Accüsed to co-produce, NME felt confident they would record the best album in the universe. But when NME were unable to play a new song called “Forever Cancer,†the plan was scrapped and the band just played whatever they thought of first, resulting in an almost stream of consciousness selection of covers, before wrapping up with an improvised song called “NME Stole Our Name!†This recording was tragically lost as the tape had run out during the song prior but Tom forgot to mention this to the band.
Not wanting to try and think up a new name, NME simply titled their latest recording Machine of War 95. The album was released as self-made CDs (CD-Rs) and came with lyrics and a description of Drums’ award winning ravioli recipe. The actual recipe for the ravioli was NOT given, just people’s thoughts on how good it tasted. This aroused some interest locally, so Drums went on Northwest Afternoon with some of his specialty dishes. Drums then entered in a nationwide cook off, but was disqualified when he was asked to make the ravioli on site and he grabbed a can of Chef Boyardee. Drums had not realized people thought he was doing more than heating the ravioli up and was quite distressed when told he was disqualified. Bass had come along to the contest and would have been Drums shoulder to cry on, but he’d found a beer sample stand at the event and was inebriated. When Drums told Bass of his defeat, Bass simply began twiddling his hair and talking about what Miss Piggy saw in Kermit.
It was at about this time that Guitars decided his true quest in life should be to be a Bruce Campbell impersonator. Guitars had seen Evil Dead just prior to the recording of Unholy Death, and was so enamored with the leading man that he’d written a song in tribute. Having mistaken the character’s name for “Unga,†the song contained several references to the hero with the name incorrect. Guitars went to a thrift store and purchased some tacky 70s clothes, died his hair black, and molded himself a fake chin out of polystyrene. Feeling confident he would fool even the most die-hard fans, Guitars booked himself, as Bruce, to attend a horror conference. Unfortunately, Bruce also had plans to attend, so when both arrived there was a Bruce Off, with fans perplexed which one was the real Campbell. Determined to prove he was who his nametag said he was, Bruce called for a chin duel. As lower jaws locked in a deadly embrace, Guitars’ fake chin proved no match for Bruce’s might. Guitars’ fake chin flew off and into the crowd that the contest had drawn, and Guitars ran away in humiliation.
Bass, Drums and Guitars (Vocals continued to farm cattle) reunited after the months apart and decided the best way to heal their collective wounds would be to beat up David Hasselhoff. The drive down to the Baywatch set took the band about five days, but when they arrived they realized something was amiss. There were no beaches crowded with highly exercised bodies; no Pamela; no Jennifer; and, worst of all, no David. NME had made its cross country trek during winter, while Baywatch was in downtime. NME decided to just wait for their prey, so hid in a bush. Bass then pointed out that it might be awhile before winter was over. Defeated NME drove back up north.
The band waited three months, during which time Drums accidentally torched a bar while doing his infamous Flaming Tequila Hat Dance, and then drove back down to the Baywatch set. This time, things looked like they might go as planned, as people were there for filming. The band found David and was about to pummel him when Guitars noted that David looked kind of like the guy from Knight Rider. Guitars began to ask David about K.I.T.T., and David’s reply of, “He always had a new car smell,†confirmed that David had indeed been in the show. The band could not pulverize one of their heroes, so instead began to gush praise. David liked these odd men so much that he cast them as extras in the episode that was filming that day. If you watch scene 22 (it’s about 37 minutes into the show) of episode 349, in the background NME can be seeing playing air instruments for change.
Things were going really well, and it looked like NME were going to be reoccurring extras on the show. David invited the band over to his house for a party. Things ended badly when David gave into his partygoers’ request for a song. As soon as he started singing, NME realized that anyone that made songs like that SHOULD be beaten, Knight Rider or not. NME rushed David, who received two black eyes, a broken nose, one cracked rib, and several bruises. The band were kicked out of the party and told not to return, but were happy that they’d done what needed doing and also managed to nab some bottles of Don Perignon before being thrown out.
NME (the band) found a place for their rejuvenated David Hasselhoff anger in their music, so after three more failed lawsuits against NME (the magazine), the band set about to record their most recent work. The idea was to do a concept EP about how much the band hated David, and title it Vermin. After the first three songs written didn’t mention David at all, though, the band realized they maybe needed to rethink their concept. Changing the title to Vermination because Guitars said it would be too hard to redesign the cover completely, NME wrote 6 new songs. Realizing that a 12 minute EP would be too short even for a punk influenced band, NME decided to dust off another old favorite, “Brick Wall.†The recording is much superior to the original, as Guitars actually took the time to learn the words before recording the track. Still a bit shy of a decent length, Drums came up with the idea of adding a noise track at the beginning, which would make the EP look deceptively like an eight track full length. Ultimately, the noise track, “Comorbidity,†was fused with the first proper song, “Retribute,†which defeated the purpose of making a noise track for fooling people into thinking the band had recorded a new full length in the first place.
Vermination is NME’s most accomplished work thus far, combining the raw element of Unholy Death with the more refined skill of Machine of War 95. The songs are a well concocted merging of metal and punk, an accidental result that arose from Drums and Bass not being able to figure out what style they wanted to play, so settling for dead center between the two. Guitars didn’t like this decision, because it meant using more of the harsh metal vocal style that made his throat itch, but lost the coin toss and so was stuck playing along in this re-envisioned NME.
With a new sound and the ability to now play in bars because Drums had finally turned 21, NME began hitting stages in the greater Pacific Northwest area. As notice began to be taken of this “new†band, the venues became more interested. NME were to have a career defining gig at a larger local venue, but the show was canceled when Guitars took a photo of women primping themselves in a mirror and was forever banned from the premises.
Tension grew within the band, and soon NME were notorious for being nixed from venues, often turning their stage show into angered wrestling brawls. The hostility between the members grew, becoming unbearable when Drums began flicking Tic Tacs at Guitars and Bass whenever they had their backs to him. Enraged, Guitars and Bass assaulted Drums, and each member lost a tooth in the resulting battle. As Guitars, Bass, and Drums looked at each other, blood pouring from each one’s mouth, the audience sat in stunned silence. Suddenly, Bass began to laugh, and the others quickly joined him. Realizing the feud had been a silly thing, the band began to try and help find each other’s teeth. Bass and Guitars were able to retrieve their pearly whites and have them re-rooted, but in a moment of poetic justice, Drums accidentally picked up one of the tossed Tic Tacs and had that placed in his gums. The Tic Tac eventually dissolved, so Drums had to have braces for a year to realign his bite.
NME decided they had somehow lost the sense of fun they’d had throughout the entirety of their career, and the best way to reclaim it would be to return to their beginnings. Happily, by this time, the Moribund re-issue of Unholy Death had become a bit hard to find, so NME could keep with the “put out every 10 years†history of the album and re-reissue it in 2004. The release got delayed when Guitars became so obsessed with additional inserts that the printer ran out of ink. Things got back on track when it was decided the CD should be an enhanced disc, and all the inserts were scrapped and included as multimedia. With the re-reissue pending, the remaining NME members thought it would be nice to try and play a reunion show with Vocals, 20 years after the first demo was recorded. Amazingly, vocals not only wanted to do a show, but also was interested in playing a series of gigs, saying he’d tired of being a dairy mogul and wanted to return home. NME decided to play their old songs in their original format and see how it went.
The first show was going great, until Vocals did a G.G. Allin and nearly fractured his skull with the microphone. While being rushed to the hospital, Vocals claims to have seen Michael Landon in the ambulance’s ceiling, and converted to Christianity from his previous religion of Whiffle Ball. At the next show, Vocals again bashed his skull with the mic, but loudly proclaimed that he was, “Bleeding for Jesus!†The other members of NME have adopted a live and let live philosophy towards their Vocalist’s newly established system of beliefs, and don’t seem to mind the paradox that arises from a band that is hugely influential in the Black Metal community having a Christian singer.
It is October 2004 as this biography is being written. Grand things are on the horizon, including the limited vinyl this biography is meant to appear in. NME is continuing to play, continuing to drink excessively (except Vocals, who thinks anything called “Spirits†is blasphemous), and continuing to lose precious recordings. What will the future hold for this trend setting, important band and will the future be as interesting as its past? Well, if it’s not, rest assured that something can always be made up.
Devon Bertsch – Penguin Historian Somewhere North of Seattle, October 2004
