Amber

"As some of you know, I recently lost my lil meatball (Amber) to a fUcked up blood disease called Lymphoma. Not much else matters about the illness other than that there's no cure for it. The doctors had told me that if we were to treat it with chemo, she would mAybe have 6 months to live. I, of course, wasn't comfortable putting her through all of that, so the other alternative was Prednisone, which changed her life expectancy to 3 months. 3 mOnths???
It was Thanksgiving day and when I returned from spending a short time with my family, I discovered the lumps that seemed to appear out of nowhere. In that one moment , my whole world once again appeared to be closing in around me. Forced to confront death at a very early age, I've learned a countless number of ways to block out pain. Aren't we all so clever when it comes to finding new ways to suppress the heartache that comes with this very natural, inescapeable part of life? Some of us, like myself, choose to take the easy way out too often and in doing so fail to see the the ''big picture''.
Se7en amazing years with this squishy little creature has indeed helped change my life in more ways than the average human mind could possibly comprehend. During my long overdue transformation, I began to confrot many of my own personal demons and have been blessed with a spiritual life that is forever evolving. Being able to see lifes lessons a bit clearer now, I 'believed' that love and faith were the answer to how we would treat her illness and I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. I'm sad to say that our time wasn't without interruption as my hell is always lurking in the shadows, anticipating my fall and waiting for that right moment to attack.
Se7en months go by and another birthday passes for the both of us. Signs of sickness are noticeable but the doctors agreed that she was still fighting and as cute as ever. Afraid that I would force her to experience aNy avoidable suffering, I made a promise earlier on that if I was to be given some sort of 'sign', I would do what was right and put her to rest. I know how it is to worry about yourself and your oWn feelings so much that you fail to recognize the damage being done to those closest to your heart. I couldn't do that to her, so I had to rely on faith with this one.
Faith proved to be a huge element in this whole process and it came through for me once again. On the last wednesday evening of june 2004, Amber and the team on angels that always seemed to accompany her, gave me the sign that I had prayed for. Now it was up to mE to keep my end of the bargain. It was time for the both of us to "let go". Wanting to get 'just oNe more day', I told myself that I would take her on friday, but when thursday morning came, she woke me up and in her own way and told me it was time to go.
I was fortunate enough to be able to share one more walk with her and we sUre took our time. When we got there, the nurse took her away to be prepped, while leaving me in the room with nothing but a whirlwind of emotions and the now growing urge to leave. ''I can't do this'' I said over and over, but how could I possibly turn back now? How could I walk away now when she needed me the most? When they were finished getting her ready, they brought her back into the room and let us say our goodbyes. I tried to be strong, tried to put on one of my many masks to hide the pain, but I just lOst it. And as always, Amber remained as peaceful as ever.
She left behind an adorable family of her own. Five pups from a litter of se7en and a handful of grandchildren as well. So as I am comforted in knowing that the joy I received from this gift of God was passed on to many, I'm once again saddened by yet another loss. Tatonka, one of her puppies and owned by a freind, had to be put to sleep from the same disease just the other day, only he didn't have as much time.
This letter started as just a short bulletin asking for you to keep my friend in your prayers, but it soon took on a life of its own. I'm sure that many of you can relate to this and I apologize for any sadness that this may have brought you, but I feel sO fortunate for being able to truly see all the good that has come from their lives. What I have to ask of you is that you keep Dave in your prayers so that he can see it too. Thank You.
Bless you all ~Michael"